I have finally gotten mad. I think I now hate the man that I have called my husband for two years. I wrote this to get the anger out... but... before anyone says anything...

I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE IT TO HIM!!! (Though I wish I could)

Dear T:

Are you really that stupid?? Why do you play this act? You act as though you know everything, yet when it comes time to proving it, you fail. How can you treat our baby like that?? You don’t prop a bottle in a 4-month-old baby’s mouth and leave her. You HAVE to burp her every couple ounces. You HAVE to burp her when she’s done. You CAN NOT let her suck on an empty bottle!! I had to burp her for two hours straight, and after 15 burps and spitting up three times… she finally stopped crying!!

You need help, and lots of it.

And, you actually think I should give you money?! According to your other ex-wife you do. You think I should give you half of the taxes!! I don’t think so, buster. Please note the name… INJURED SPOUSE. I am entitled to every last cent of this. It is MY money… that’s why it’s not going to YOUR back child support. I already gave you half of the non-Injured Spouse taxes… $100 for the storage unit (since you never gave me access to it, I am not paying for it), and $100 toward “gas and food”. We only got back $300, so really I gave you more than half… aka… more than you deserve. You should be giving me money to help take care of your kids. A good man, father, would do that… without requiring an order from the court for child support. Then again, before we broke up, you always vowed if we split up you would give me all your money except what you needed to survive… You said, “You need it and deserve it. You are a great mom and I want to make sure the three of you are well taken care of.” Apparently it was all lip service. You are a freaking liar and I hate you for that. Do you know what “Keeping your word” actually means? I doubt it.

And to top it all off, you are talking trash about me to the world! How can you do that? You know me and you know what I’m like. The stuff you are saying you have to know is a lie. You know you were an a**. You know you pushed me to the point of no return, and beyond. You know this is entirely your fault and that I did everything in my power to make us work, even to the point of giving up who I am as a person. You turned me into your nanny and blow up doll. That’s all I have been to you and you know it. Now you are coming back telling people that I am crazy! What?! Try telling them that you raped me on multiple occasions. Tell them that your 6-year-old son is scared to death of you. Tell them that your 12-year-old son can’t stand being around you. Tell them that your 4 month old daughter doesn’t even recognize your face. THEN see what judgments they have to make!

It’s time for you to get your head out of your a** and realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you. The world is not out to get you. You are fully responsible for everything you have and don’t have. You bring it on yourself. You beg for it.

My dream for us was this… live happily ever after. Didn’t work. I had to leave you.

My dream for us after separation… you would start your counseling and anger management classes like you promised, we would work on being friends and maybe give it another shot a few months down the road. That didn’t work either because it’s not what YOU wanted.

My dream for our definite and forever separation, that we can be on ok speaking terms, you can be a good father to these two beautiful babies, and I would be ok letting them go to you.

NOW… after yesterday and you feeding Danah like she was a hamster with a bottle in a cage… my dream for “us”… you choke on your cigarettes!!!

I am so embarrassed to have been married to you. What did I see in you?? I can’t see anything anymore! All I see is gross, mean, and hateful… I don’t get it. You refer to your other ex as “the nasty one”… I’m sorry to say that you are the “nastier one”. At least she is TRYING to be a good parent. She has a job. She pays her bills. She has a home. Her kids love her and are not fearful of her.

The word “fearful” should not be in the same context as children or marriage. I have a restraining order against you because you scare me. You are Dr. Jekyl / Mr. Hyde in the truest form. You can be nice, sweet, caring… until something doesn’t go your way. Then… watch out. You do more damage in one temper tantrum than any “normal” person could do in a lifetime.

If I can give you any advise, which I know you will not take… I would say get help NOW. Go to the counselor. Take and finish anger management classes. Take a parenting class NOW. I will be fighting tooth and nail to keep the babies from you until you do. I will not have Danah in pain again because you are too stupid and lazy to care for her the way you’re supposed to.

Why can’t you see this stuff?? Are you really just stupid? Are there screws loose in that pea brain of yours? Do you really want to have your life keep following this path? Do you really want to be a loser the rest of your life? Do something about it!!! I know you think this is just “who you are”… that this is how you were raised… that this is what your dad did to you… stand up and take responsibility for YOU. Stop blaming others. Look in the mirror and ask whose fault this is. The only person then to answer is the man looking back at you. You are 35 years old… it’s time to start acting it and leave this rebellious, immature child behind.

Sincerly,
Me

** sigh **

How can a person be so... I don't even know what the word is. I loved this man with all my heart. I did anything and everything for him. I cared for, not only our two children, but his other 3 kids as well. His thanks... go out partying and not return until 7am. How can a person be like this? I see now that he never really loved me. I would give the world to be loved the way I loved him. Why can't he see this?

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: scubed ]</small>

I know it's very un-MB but I LOVE the line "my dream for “us”… you choke on your cigarettes!!!" Oh, my!

Maybe you could send parts of it to him?

Wow!..All I can say is that was a VENT. Seems as if the pressure has been building on you for some time. Cannot offer my advice as I am still tryig to figure out my own plan and what I am going to do. AAnd as fa as him spreading lies about you, be the duck and let it roll off your back like water.. Or try to. Those that are your true friends wil not believe any of the lies he is spreading. I will read more of your story and help if I can, for now I just want you to know I hoping things get better.. soon
HumbleOne

I thought about sending part of it to him... but I don't know what good it would do. It would go in one ear and out the other, so to speak. He doesn't care to change. I wish he did. I wish he would! I hate to admit it, but for some sick reason I still love him. What's that say about me?!

It says allot about you. First and foremost that your a very caring and forgiving person for all that you have had to endure. Is he fully aware of most of things you wrote about?

I think he is aware of most of it. He knows he has anger issues... but he really does believe the world is against him. Everything is someone or something elses fault, not his. Splitting up, the restraining order, the divorce... all my fault for being "crazy" and over-sensitive. Never does he stop and think... "What did I do? Why did I do that?" How do you deal with a person like this? And, when he can admit that he messed up, he says he couldn't help it because it is how his dad raised him.

As far as feeding the baby... I have NO CLUE if he knows better than that or not. With our first, I was a stay at home mom and WAY overprotective. I never let anyone be alone with my S... STBX never had a chance to show me one way or the other until S was old enough to burp himself. Now with my D... unfortunately now I'm learning what he is and is not capable of the hard way. A person has to have more common sense than that, don't they??