OK, so I am not sure that this post belongs on the "divorced/divorcing" board, but I am gonna post here, because this is where I always read and sometimes post.

I am having a really hard time with a good number of things in my life today. I guess you could say that, five months after my final dissolution hearing, I seem to dance a delicately balanced line between extreme confidence and extreme chaos. I have felt that I was ready to date for a while now, but each time I do, it seems that the same thing happens. Not because the guys are bad, but because of the way I handle things.

Really, as many people on this board may say, I will admit that my M was probably over a lot sooner than the final hearing reflects. Emotionally, I feel I had been about bankrupt for at minimum two years or more prior to the end. That being said, I guess the way that I have been acting in the dating realm has been reflective. I have been so hungry for the closeness and attention I was missing from my M for so long that I scare these poor guys off. Patience is not in my vocabulary, which is a major major problem. I'll admit to having met some guys, and dated, and (although I'm not proud of it) even had the occasional "hook up". Of course, I know cognitively that having sex confuses the issue a lot for me, as I was married to a sex addict, so therein, I don't have the ability to not equate the two. Plus, I heard over and over from my XH how bad I was and that I didn't deserve to have anyone love me or care for me. Dating so far has almost been a subconscious attempt to prove him wrong in a way, and it's backfired every single time.

So now, I've met a really nice guy. I think we messed things up in a huge way by making love twice (way too early). Both of us being recently divorced (he has been divorced only two months, but lived outside the home for the last year), we had this idea that maybe we could just be casual about it - be each others' sounding board about the opposite sex, etc - while we're sorting out our feelings and what we want. I started having feelings (not like LOVE feelings, but you know, emotions) for the guy, and said casual and detached isn't going to work for me.

So now...even though I wasn't manipulated, coerced, forced, etc. I still feel like nothing more than a very willing "piece". Not personal against the guy, because he's in no more of a rush for things than I am. I'm just frustrated with the whole sitch and am having a really hard time dealing today. I have been praying that I haven't "dorked" this up beyond starting over with this very sweet guy, but fear that is the case.

Sorry guys...mostly just a vent.

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If you two were friends, you weren’t just tail. But some men and some women can have sex with friends without it meaning more than just physical play with friends. And both of you were incredibly vulnerable. Don’t beat yourself up over this.

On the other hand, maybe you should be your own mother and tell yourself you won’t have sex until you’ve date six months.

Meanwhile, maybe you can find something to fill part of your void. How are your girlfriends? A pet?

GG,

Thanks for the reply. Yes, we'd been friends since December. At that time, we talked, but I wasn't willing to do the "dating" thing, since he was still married (even though he was living in his own place since last April). We lost touch after the first of the year, and I went and did my own thing, since I was already divorced. Basically, I tried to call him a couple times but he didn't return the call.

Anyway, I was in a play in March, and his daughter was also in this play. So, he obviously came to watch her, but called me a week later to tell me that he thought I did an excellent job.

So the problem now is that he told me from the beginning that he wasn't sure what he wanted and I started feeling stuff. I am 100% over my XH and know there is no reconciliation. I understand that some of the things that I do now are old habits dying hard, and frustrations of things from the past (basic "baggage" from the previous M). My friend is not over his XW entirely. He is still bitter, frustrated, etc. with the fact that she has been dating her HS sweetheart since October. Pain there is still fresh somewhat. I basically have gone down the same path, only a few months earlier, so I can only offer what's worked for me.

Basically, I appreciate his honesty about not knowing what he wants, but am still upset more so at myself that I thought I could, but really couldn't. I let myself fall in, and it yet again didn't work out in my favor.

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