DS asked today if dad had an A. Told him the truth, but I didn't know if that was the right thing to do. DS is a teenager I'm just afraid it will hurt his relationship with his dad and his own self-esteem. He already states he feels rejected and now this.
Told H that DS asked and now knows the truth and we start to fight.
How do I help DS and H when my relationship with H is very shaky to begin with.

Lost Rainbow - that was the right thing to do. Your son needs to know that his father has no morals. Your son needs to know that his father failed very badly. I would of done the same thing. Yes, the affair affects our children badly. Mine are hurt, for their father called them all fu*king kids during his affair and me. For we all interfered in their love affair.

As far as your son and his dad. I would get counseling for the son. What he has shown his son is that there is no committment between two people. That he does not accept the path that God has set for the truth and committment and honesty.

To try to talk to h, is going to be difficult. For the betrayer sees life only through their eyes. They don't see the pain everyone else is going through.

What you did was right. The son needs to know, and what becomes between the son and h, only time will tell. Your are angry at your h, which you have the right to be. Be mad, be angry. He betrayed you and who knows what disease he might be carrying with him now. He betrayed his son, and his son doesn't have faith in his father. My boys don't have the same feelings toward their father that they used to. They see him as a failure of committment. I do not any longer wish to be married to my ex, for he is a very selfish man with only one person in mind, himself, and his other woman.

Don't feel like you have done something to harm your husband. I did feel like that during my exs affair, but then I became a doormat. My ex even posted here on MB how I became his doormat. Yes, I was so messed up, and so hurt. My ex doesn't show remorse or guilt. I now know, that I am a good person, just like you are a wonderful person. I know now that my ex is totally messed up. I know that I am moving ahead.

Have you thought about doing plan A or plan B.

I finally have done the no contact, and it has been much better here.

Take care, and remember, we are here to help you. Also, you are a creation of God.

Thanks for the reply.
To answer your questions: I am doing diminished contact with H (he has been away on business for almost 2 months). Now he basically calls to talk to the kids, something he rarely did before. He plans on filing when he comes home. No contact with op (supposedly) has stopped since dday (LOL) so no plan A or B was needed. Who really knows anymore. At this point I really can't think about "it". There has come a point where I am thinking mainly of my kids and myself.

So far DS doesn't want to talk to much about situation and that's ok. He knows he can talk to me, father, counseling, etc..

I think last night, because the situation was fresh, I was worried if I did the right thing. So I came to MB to vent and verify what I did was Ok. Since all this mess has started I notice I am less sure of whatever I do. I can't stand that feeling. I never imagined that H would cause such emotional turmoil.

lost rainbow,

It was a wise thing to tell the truth...honesty is usually best!...and I hope you did it in a way that was appropriate to your S's age and maturity. For example, with my exH's first affair, my kids were toddlers (literally) and would have never understood what an A even was. I told them that dad had a girlfriend and that made me cry because I was sad. They said "Oh. Okay mom." With exH's next A the kids were like 11 and 8, so I told them he was moving out and had a girlfriend, but that he was still their dad. They asked if the fighting would stop, I said, it probably would be less fighting because dad was moving, and they cried and said, "Bye dad." The final A (he had 13 total, but 3 big ones), my S asked my exH if he was having an A again and the two of them got into it. By then, my S was a teenager and he was angry with his dad for hurting me so often and just ditching him and his sister. Now that time has gone by, he and his dad have crafted a relationship of their own that they are both comfortable with...and so have my D and her dad.

You S may need to be angry at his dad. It may be somewhat healthy for S to express that to his dad too. In real life, the fact that you told the truth is not what drove the wedge between S and his dad...it is DAD'S BEHAVIOR. Dad made choices that affected his S, and it may be appropriate for dad to now have to experience the consequences of his choices, huh???


CJ