Me and my W are separated, due to my betrayal concerning an anonymous internet (only) encounter I had.

Recently, we agreed (me, reluctantly) to divorce. While the particulars are relatively straightforward, with no children and only the house as a major asset to divide, I am still having a very hard time with it all. I feel very empty inside, and very lonely with the loss of my best friend (along with her stepdaughter whom I grew to love dearly). I am simply looking for suggestions or comments on how others pulled themselves out of this black hole. Obviously, me being the WS, I have guilt, regret and shame to come to grips with, and those are feeding my pain daily. My W has not had an easy time with this either, but she basically refused to work at reconciliation and chose instead to simply move on. There were many other issues in our M, including the huge stepparenting issues, but my incident was definitely the straw that broke the camel's back.

How does one become social again? Many things I read state that I will need time to heal, and to recover, and obviously it is not the proper time to date or be seeking deep companionship. However, every other relationship I try to build - meaning finding new friends - seems so shallow and unfulfilling. I WANT a significant other, and I want a family too, having experienced what it feels like to love a child completely, even if it wasn't my own biological offspring. But time is not on my side (I'm 41), even though I realize for a man it is probably easier at my age than for a woman.

What social outlets do you think I could seek out in my situation? Will I ever find something to fill the empty hole in my soul? I know someday I will be happy again (as my sig below says), but right now life is very hard. I am in therapy, and while it helps, it has not taken away the pain and the toxic emotions of regret, guilt and shame for me. I think I would like to explore religion, even though I've always viewed that as a "crutch". Right now, quite honestly, I feel I need a crutch - or someone to lean on. Everyone says God is always there to lean on if you open your heart to him, but I DON'T like all the ritualistic aspects of religion. Maybe a Bible study group would double as both a social and a religious experience?

I am a relatively shy, introverted person, so social gatherings are a source of anxiety for me. That makes my predicament all that much more difficult, but not impossible - I have a definite need for social contact right now, and that is a motivating factor to get me past the anxiety. I just would appreciate hearing some ideas, and reading what others in my situation have done.

Thank you for your advice.

That's a tough question, finding where you want to worship God.

Essentially that is the role of a church, a church is really a gathering of believers. It's far more than a building.

The members gather to:

Worship God
Fellowship with one another (social gatherings)
Minister to Others (inside and outside the membership)
Discipleship, this is learning to live a more Christlike life
Evangelism, telling others about how God has worked in their lives.

That's it. A church is a place of relationships, where you work on your relationship with God as well as your relationship with mankind.

Without getting into some of the black holes of who has "religion" right or wrong, you are looking for a place that offers these things.

If the relationship with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and your relationships with your fellow man are the most important aspects, then you have probably found a pretty good place to worship and practice your faith.

It's not about the ceremony, it's about your heart.

HTH,

Tony

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by javaSansContour:
<strong>It's not about the ceremony, it's about your heart.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Tony. I agree - however, Sunday morning I came across a televised church service on one of the local channels, and I couldn't help but be turned off by the ceremony, and the ritualistic aspects of the service. That's always been my problem with becoming involved in church. I didn't grow up exposed to it, and it just all seems so... well, foreign, I guess. What are they doing? Why are they doing it? What are they saying? Hearing someone read from Scripture, it rarely makes a lot of sense to me.

I guess what I need is "Bible study", not "church". When I was a child, my parents sent me to such a class on Sunday mornings while they went upstairs to the regular service. Didn't last too long, before sports took over in my life, but... how does one go about learning about such things later in life? Are there classes you can take where they explain what goes on in a particular denomination's church service? How do you decide exactly what denomination you are? My parents raised me as a Protestant, but I don't have the foggiest idea what I really am - that was THEIR choice, not mine. And they didn't really push too hard with it, honestly. I haven't been in a church to worship in years, except for the infrequent christening and/or wedding - and I usually cringed during those services. Rebellion and all that, for whatever reason. Now, in my time of need, I wonder if I didn't make another mistake in my life by not being open to receiving God, and I am wondering how I might correct that - but in a way that satisfies me. Of course I realize I could just walk into a church some Sunday morning, but as I say, I would feel absolutely clueless about it all - and where would the satisfaction be in that? I think it would just add to my anxieties, not calm them...

Thanks for any advice. And it doesn't HAVE to be religious - I am looking for any productive social gathering that would help me cope with my situation... Surely there must be other local people in the same boat as me, no? Where do they go for solace, comfort and companionship besides bars and pick-up joints and all that?

(((ASB3PE))),
I'm so sorry for your pain & that your wife will not give you another chance. Don't give up though!!!!!!! keep reading Dr. Harley's info. Your wife has just been hit with your A. Give her some time, while you work on yourself, And show her you want to change.

Christianity is not about "religion" & rituals & stuff. It's about Jesus. And having a personal relationship w/ Him. Personal, like you had w/ your wife. Yes, every church has its way of doing things and rules & stuff. You have to to have order. Whatever church you choose, the rituals will come w/ time. Just like when I learned how to drive a standard shift car. I felt awkward & like everyone was looking @ me at first. But guess what, I can drive, shift, eat, & feed the baby @ the same time now. OK, that was a bit much. And everyone isn't looking @ you because they are thinking about people looking @ them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyway, I think you should pursue a relationship w/ the Lord 1st. He is the only one who can truely heal you. All the other things & events are great & He is not against them. He is the one who made us social beings. The Bible says to seek Him 1st, & He will add all these things to you. God the Father knows what you are going through. Remember, He lost His family too. That's the reason why he sent Jesus. To get his family back. God is a MB too!!!!!!

Don't wait & try to fix yourself for Him. Just receive Him in your heart, and He will fix you. Lastly, I leave you w/ this, Jesus said He will never leave you, nor foresake you. Here's how I take that: When I drop my kids off to school, I "leave" them. If I were to never come back and get them, I would be foresaking or abandoning them. He said He won't even leave you temporarily!!!! Receive His love, Foregivness, And comforting power "ASB3Pe". He created you & loves you just the way you are. If you were the only person on earth, God still would have sent His son to die for you. You mean that much to Him & that much to me. Take care,
R1

I'm so sorry to hear your situation - it appears very similar to mine. My wife is forcing divorce becuase she fears she cannot count on me.

A friend recommended Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart, along with deep breathing, exercising, yoga and knowing this too shall pass...

I too was motivated to improve with many of months of therapy (just two months marriage counseling) and personal work. I am 42.

And I too, for a variety of reasons, have found myself looking back to the Bible for various insight. Like you I have also been a bit on the shy side when it came to the weekly congregation - I prefered the Church to be Outdoors but more and more I look back and see some huge power in the community aspect of being active in a church. So I am thinking about getting back into that as well.

I know it is tough for you right now, I only have to feel the terrible knots in my stomach and the fact that it is 4 a.m. and I am not sleeping...

But God, or Fate, or Destiny, or maybe just darn random chance, will make this work out for the better. Just give it a little time. And maybe try that 180 policy...

Much Love,