I completely lost it when I went to drop kids off with H this weekend. I was frustrated cause that day was our youngest's 1st birthday and our oldest's 1st day of Kindergarten. I said to H (in response to OW wanting to put the kids in "activities"), "I am tired of being replaced everywhere. I have been replaced as a wife and now am being replaced as a mother!" He assured me that I would always be their mother, but I think I was more angry about the wife part. I asked him what he was going to do when their "relationship" falls apart the kids are crushed AGAIN! He said, "I will handle it and I'll probably do a better job than you are handling it." I was so angry, I got on the freeway to go to work and literally screamed for about 4 miles. I am surprised no one heard me! He got the "Proposed Marital Termination Agreement" this weekend and a letter from my attorney saying he needs to look it over and get back to him so we can set a court date. Am I doing the right thing? A week ago he was all set to leave OW and actually told her that, but then changed his mind because they just had a misunderstanding. I don't want him back if it is because they are having a bad day, but I don't want to get divorced if ther is still some hope. How do I know? Is there anything he can do or say that might help me to decide? Thanks all!<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<BR>

The OW wants to put the kids in "activities"? IMO, she should have ZERO input into what the kids do, and I'd make it clear to my H that any activities the kids get involved in should be by mutual agreement between H and me. It sounds to me like OW just wants to find stuff for the kids to do so they won't be in her hair. She probably doesn't realize that most "activities" for very young children require that a parent also be present. <P>You know, if you haven't already done so, why not arrange with your H that your kids will have their own clothes and toys over at his place so there won't have to be so much packing up and hauling stuff around with the kids. IOW, you won't get stuck with all the kids' dirty laundry from their visits with their dad.<P>Hang in there! I really think that this affair is probably already in trouble. It sounds like he is not really happy with her, plus it sounds like she's not too enamored of having the kids visit. A man who really loves his kids will finally pick up on her feelings about the kids.

The same thing happened to me. W came crying that om lied to her and took his wife along to see their grandchildren. W asked to come home, was willing to do what ever it took to save our marriage. 5 hours later, after spending part of that time with om her story had changed saying it was knee jerk reaction. At that point I told her I was done. 2 weeks later I got her divorce proposal. See my other posting ,met with her counselor. I am favoring the divorce now. I have a lot of resentment and hurt built up and unless she is willing to make changes as I am trying to do, I see no use in her coming home, start missing om and then leaving again. Its not fair or good for me or the kids.

Rachel,<P>When you first showed up here, I advised you not to pursue divorce. Same advice today. That's not to say that the affair is going to be over tomorrow. But it surely seems on it's way out.<P>Quit the lovebusting. Limit your contact with your husband. Slow down the legal process. You'll get your chance to reconcile. You'll have to "suck it up", because I bet your husband will come back, but it won't be with his tail tucked and him licking your boots. The important thing is to get him back and through withdrawal. After that, you'll be able to start working on the marriage together.<P>I've only screamed for 2 miles straight. I'm impressed!!!

Rachel,<P>All of a sudden one day, my H had all sorts of advice for me re the kids that I am sure came straight from the OW - that the little one needed speech therapy (I'd been telling him that for a long time), and that both she and our six year old needed therapy because they had too many tantrums. Too many tantrums for whom, I wondered silently. The three year old is actually very easy going, but I asked him why he hadn't noticed before that the six year old was not an easy child, to put it mildly. He actually had the nerve to say he was operating in a vacuum, because he didn't have much experience with kids - although we have 4 older ones!<P>My theory about why the OW's try to play mommy - and it is sexist - is that most women know that the fastest way to their heart is through their kids, even if they don't have any. There is nothing that makes me feel warmer and more loving toward my H than when he is acting nurturing and kind toward the kids, and I can't imagine ever being in a relationship with a man who didn't like my kids or vice versa. Heck, I once had second thoughts about going on a date with a guy whom my dog didn't like (and I should have listened to the dog). I think women instinctively act nurturing toward their SO's kids in an attempt to get closer to him, because that is what they would want. I find it interesting that my kids say that their father pays little attention to the OW's kids - I have to wonder how long it will be before that starts to bother her, or perhaps it already has.

camar,<P>My mother told me when I asked her the same question, you rushed into this marriage to begin with and that should have taught you something. You don't have to rush into a divorce. You have plenty of time to get unmarried. Just wait and see what happens. You've got nothing but time on your hands.<P>I listened to her and now we are trying a reconciliation. I know that the circumstances may be different for you, but don't let the pain you feel force you into doing something that you may not be quite ready for.<P>Take your time. <P>P.S. Being the wicked person that I am I also felt, that I would not make it easy on him and OW by throwing him out and giving him the divorce. I figured I slow around with everything and maybe she'd get pissed because she wasn't getting what she wanted and whatever he may have promised.<P><P>------------------<BR>Luv, Liza<P>Never fear, because God walks right beside you, and if you get tired, he will lift you up and carry you.