Once I decided to file for Dv from my exH back in February, I've had little or no contact with him, as our contact tends to be good at first, and then turn into one of two things: argumentative sniping and finger pointing, or me having to get off the phone b/c I end up in tears over what I have destroyed (I end up feeling the guilt all over again). Life has been easier w/o contact with my H. I miss him, but I miss the old him, who he was when he treated me with love, care and respect as his wife. So I've had little or no communication with him primarily to avoid pain. If and when he's tried to call (which hasn't been very often, maybe once every couple or few weeks) I don't answer the phone. I just listen to the message after.

I just moved and have gotten an unlisted number and have not told him the new number or my new address. In fact, I didn't inform him of my move. I moved just yesterday in fact. BUT, guess what? I think he still has a 6th sense about me. He called me on my cell phone yesterday, after having tried to call my previous residence and discovering that the number was disconnected. He left me a phone message saying how he knew based on that that I must have finally moved into a new house or condo, that he had just called to talk, but since I didn't seem interested in that, to have a good night. Then he called a while later, and left another message saying that it bothered him more than he expected it would that he didn't know where I lived now or how to get ahold of me (phone number).

I feel sort of like I am in a modified plan B. He wouldn't make a genuine effort at our marriage, so I filed for divorce. Now I don't take his calls or have contact with him. But last week he sent me a DVD he knew I'd like. I emailed him a thank-you for that and we emailed back and forth a bit about how he's an uncle now, and "that should've been us" (happily married and with a baby) and how hard it is for him to be an uncle when he doesn't know if he'll ever have kids, etc. And now he's called me saying he wants to talk (although he said he knows that I think he just wants to have sex with me, as I've told him time and time again).

I am so torn....I know from experience that contact with him generally leaves me upset. I know I don't want to tell him where I live or what my number is. I know that I also have this deep underlying desire to at least be friends or on amicable terms after so many good years together....

Why oh why does it feel so dangerous for me to consider talking to my ex? Is it actually dangerous? How many of you keep in contact with your ex for reasons other than joint custody? Do any of you have a friendship with them?

If you've read this far and can make sense of my confusion, please let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Jen

Give it time. It may take years for you and your ex to be on even speaking terms again.

no kids, no contact, period. . and the longer it goes, the more and more he will be forgotten. .

just start now and hold to those boundaries. . .

he is probably toxic to you, and you need to get on with your life. . .

and even consider changing the cell phone number. . .

wiftty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen Brown:
<strong> I am so torn....I know from experience that contact with him generally leaves me upset. I know I don't want to tell him where I live or what my number is. I know that I also have this deep underlying desire to at least be friends or on amicable terms after so many good years together....

Why oh why does it feel so dangerous for me to consider talking to my ex? Is it actually dangerous? How many of you keep in contact with your ex for reasons other than joint custody? Do any of you have a friendship with them?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I'm friends with my x-H. Not the kind of friends who go out for dinner or to a movie together, but friends none-the-less. We don't have kids together, but still co-own our house, which I live in. We talk and joke together whenever he comes over to the house. I've even asked him "advice" on a new relationship I was in (he's good at GIVING advice, just not good at following it..ha!)

I just wanted to say a few things to you regarding this, at least from my prespective:

1) Your desire to be friends, esp. in light of your past is honorable and DOESN'T mean that you still love him or want him. It only means that you want to learn how to be friends with him, pure and simple. I think it's a very healthy, mature attitude, but not always possible or desireable for some people.

HOWEVER....if contact with him leaves you emotionally upset, you aren't ready to pursue this "friendship" thing, imho. Wait until your emotions and feelings for him are gone. That day does come. Then let the friendship unfold little by little.

2) Only you can figure out what the boundaries of that friendship are. If you don't want to give him your address or phone number, then don't. Obviously, he has your email and cell phone numbers...that's good enuf for now, esp. if there are no ties, familial, legal or otherwise, between you.

3) It IS dangerous (at least right now) for you to have contact with him. Number one, it leaves you upset....not a good thing. Number two, it sounds like he still wants something out of the relationship or wants to talk you back into it or something!

If you really are done with the relationship (are you?), your actions need to follow that. Until your emotions are more settled, even little things like casually emailing back and forth aren't a good idea, I don't think. No need to be rude, just don't engage.

As you said....it's leaving you torn.

<small>[ April 29, 2004, 08:42 PM: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</small>

P.S. BTW...I NEVER thought I'd be friends with my x. He hurt me sooooooo bad!! I really don't know how it happened that we are friends, but I think it has alot to do with forgiveness....trying to see them thru God's eyes and realizing that yes, they may have limitations that you just have to accept.

Plus, I think he realized (semi-woke-up) what a stupid thing he did by throwing away us and everything we had together. Oh well.

Jen: You are not alone. I believe each individual will need to heal at their own pace. - Separated since 10/03 and have been divorced now for 1 month- prefer NO CONTACT, unless of emergencies or financial changes. - My daughters and I now live 2000 miles away from WH and honestly, he could care less. It was the best move I could have made - the distance between us has helped us move forward with our lives, though the devastating memories of the PA & emotional abuse to his family will always be with us.

In my situation, it is alittle easier on me because I do not see my WH and OW around town. - I do not share custody with him, my teen daughters want NOTHING to do with the OW.... Its been 5 months since we've since WH and I can honestly say I DO NOT MISS HIM - NC (or at best, Modified Contact if Children are involved) in Divorce in the best way to go, at least until you can get your emotions under control.

Right now I have too much hatred for my EX -- my situation was posted under December 03 thread ; OW came to my home and we ended up in Physical Fight. - So you can now understand why I live 2000 miles away and feel much better about it.

Do what works for you Jen and makes you feel better - Until I can honestly "talk" civil to my EX again someday, I will advise him to email or write me ONLY.

ME 41 (BS)
WH 42
DDay 1/4/03 PA
(2) False Recoveries
Great PLAN A

**His Soulmate***
WH Moved Out 10/03, Divorced Filed

I wish I never had to lay eyes on my X again, but have to because of my kids.

You are no longer under any obligation to tell the X anything Jen. You have no ties, and if that is the way you want it, then you are lucky.

Love and light,

jacky

Jen, you don't have to make a once for all decision on this issue, but keep this in mind-it will be much easier to begin with no contact, then move to being friends at some time in the future once hurt feelings have died, than it will to move to no contact after allowing him back into your life. It sounds as if the only thing motivating you to have contact with him right now is guilt. I think your ex is manipulating you into feeling guilty so that he won't see himself as the bad guy. You don't seem to get any pleasure from these contacts, so why bother?

As far as his actions and comments: it sure is easier to say "that should've been us" than it is to work on a marriage. Making wistful comments and sending DVD's seems to be about as much effort as he wants to put into a relationship with you. That's nowhere near enough. Look at what he really does, not what he hints at that he could have done, or should have done, or would do in the future.

I use my x as my emergency contact as I have no family around and figure if something happens to me, then she will need to get the kids.

I used her last night to come and get me at the hospital as I had an emergency procedure and was put out so they wouldn't let me drive.

I wasn't prepared and couldn't think of anybodys else's phone number. So she came and got.

It was a half hour drive and we talked about her family. OF course she calls her new b/f and tells him she will see him at 8.

So that is the only contact I have with here outside the kids. SHe has tried to chat me up before, but I have pretty much ignored it.

IF it makes you uncomfortable, then don't do it!