Catnip,<P>I feel your pain. I'm going through the same ordeal with the husband getting the lover pregnant. This is my story.<P>On April 9, 1999 I came home from work and my husband told me that he had an affair with someone from work and she's pregnant. He also told me that he had taken everything that was his out of the house and moved in with her in her apartment. We have been married happily for 7 years and have no children. We had been trying for the last 3 years to have a child and she pops up pregnant. The doctors said everything was fine with me but he had a low sperm count. She supposedly was on birth control but on a low dosage and poped up pregnant. He believes it is his. We started having trouble in January and it trickled into February and March. I was noticing he was distant but I didn't expect an affair. In January when we started having problems is when she and her husband was getting a divorce. I've been told he's a wife beater. So she apparently took her problems to a married man instead of a single man or women. He didn't include me in any of the decisions he made and I've been trying to get an answer from him as to why he doesn't want to work on the marriage and what did he use to weigh his pro's and con's because it seems that I should have outweighed on the pro's not her. He said it took him three weeks to decide what to do and apparently his decision was not to stay with me but her. He seems to try and avoid this type of conversation with me because he thinks he will hurt me more. He gave me our house but I can't afford it so we had to put it up for sale. He makes a lot more money than me. I went and saw a lawyer to get some things in writing dealing with finances so I would be protected. He went to his lawyer to file for the divorce. I don't want a divorce and would like to try and reconcile, but he's made up his mind. He's already taken her to meet his parents and went to Florida to meet her parents. He's moving so quickly on everything I hardly have time to breath. Whenever I've talked to him I remind him that I love him and that I will try and wait out the 6 months before the divorce is final in case he wants to reconcile. His reaction is like he doesn't care and I know deep down he has to still love me and care for me but apparently not enough to try and work out the marriage.<P>I would appreciate a response from anyone on my situation including yourself and also Jenny and destroyed because they say a marriage based on this can be reconciled but he's not even thinking about me he thinking about his new situation that he's so wrapped up in.<P>Love and prayers be with you,<BR>Ladydv

Gosh, this seems to be happening more and more these days.<P>Ladydv, Is your H going to require a test to know this is his baby or is he just taking her at her word?<BR>So sorry you are this boat also!

Smith,<P>Myself and his parents asked him if he sure it was his. He says yes. He really believes it's his. I don't want to believe it's his because of how hard and long we have been trying. He doesn't say anything about getting tested to see if it's his, probably because he really believes it's his. Of course she told him it was his also. I'm thinking of asking my lawyer if I will have the right to request for a paternity test because if I can do it I will.<P>Ladydv

All I can say is, I'm so sorry for all of you.<P>Catnip, as far as lawyer is concerned, start searching the web. The bigger law firms here in NY have sites. You might get a little bit of luck.

Ladydv,<BR>what a horrendous blow!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On top of your infertility problem, my God. Words can't begin to describe these situations...<P>I'm sorry I can't think of anything to offer you. My H was never "in love" with the OW and never wanted to leave me at any point. There are seemingly lots of people here dealing with the problem of one spouse not wanting to work on it and I think they'd have better ideas for you than I. <P>But you've got a double blow here and I DO feel for you. It does sound like things are moving too fast. Any problems that existed in your relationship or within your H will only multiply in this new affair he has... when that reality comes crashing down, you may see him come back. Or, with a child involved, they may be that much more inclined to stick it out and try to make their own relationship work. <P>I know you WILL have grief to deal with EITHER WAY. Be kind to yourself!! It is a painful bitter pill, a butcher knife to the soul, but there is a saying that your greatest burden can become your greatest blessing and your greatest wish come true can become your worst nightmare. Maybe your H will return a better man; maybe you will find a different better man and create a beautiful family. I wish you a better future whether your H comes home to you or not. You deserve better!!!!

Thanks for asking about me. Things aren't going too well here. My H promised me he wouldn't see the OW or baby but I caught him at her house on Monday. He hasn't even taken the paternity test. I paid a lawyer a retainer and started divorce proceedings. I was pretty strong yesterday but today I feel sad. Catnip don't give up. I still have hope even though I have filed.

NABS,<BR>I'm so sorry. Best wishes... <P>"...With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy."<BR>last words in 'The Disiderata'

Wow, I can't believe that I have missed so much within the last week. The truth is I have been having my own "bad" days for the last week. It truly has been a tough haul these past couple of days. Just re-evaluating my life... and more of the "pity" me. My H and I are getting along great... however, it seems that whenever I see his family I have serious doubts about our marriage continuing. I still don't know how to "fix" this part of my life. I wish you all the best. <P>Catnip- I do not understand why your H is paying this money to the OW right now without the child being born. Is this court ordered? I would suggest that he stops paying. It sounds to me like this baby may not be his. I pray it isn't. What a relief that would be for you. There was another lady that was in her 40's and her H had an affair with a 22 year old. It turned out that the 22 year old was pretending to be pregnant..... So I will keep my fingers crossed for you--- that this baby isn't your H.<P>

Destroyed,<BR>Good to hear from you <BR>I'm sorry to hear you're feeling badly. Family can make such a difference.<P>I got a letter back after writing to tell my father (first of my family to know)... he took it very philosophically, which is nice for us. My H was afraid he'd want to kill him.<P>I sent my first solo e-mail to OW about a week ago when H was unavailable, only about insurance stuff, and she's not responded. <BR>I'm so proud of myself that it did not contain any cuss words Is she not responding because she's going to be a #*#*%<BR>and only answer things from my H?? We don't know.

Ladydv: I am so sorry you're here. Just like Jenny, Smith, Tornapart, Nabs, and Destroyed, we're all here for you and for each other. Things are moving way too fast for you and your H. The same thing started to happen to me. Had she not lived in NY and been in our state, he may have done the same thing your H is doing. He took her word for it that the kid was his and out of guilt and because of her demands for $ for 'vitamins' and 'doctor visits', he paid her $3000 to keep her from calling me and telling me. He called me from NY on Christmas Eve saying he had had a 'moment of clarity' and said that we had to talk...that it was "real important" and that he'd be catching the next plane back. He came back right away and came over to our house and it was very weird. We ended up in bed and then he left almost immediately. He raced back to his apartment to call the OW and sat on the phone with her for an hour and then met me over at our son's house for Christmas brunch. I remember the look on his face when he walked up the driveway to my car when I was getting the food out of the car. He had that 'now I hate you look'. Two hours earlier I was the love of his life and we were going to talk reconciliation. That morning at our son's house was the coldest, most uncomfortable two hours I ever spent with him. His aura/vibes were sending the most hostile, withdrawn, cold messsages imaginable. I became so confused and I hated feeling his coldness, I made an excuse and left. He left shortly thereafter, returning to his apartment for another phone marathon with OW. On January 1 he came to the house and asked to reconcile. He said if I took him back, he'd spend the rest of his life making it up to me, that I would be his focus, that he loved me and only me...blah, blah, blah. Then over the next three days, he confessed the affair and told me all about the OW and their relationship. A couple days later, I asked him why he was so protective of his cell phone and why he was acting so goofy. I said "What's the matter with you? Is she pregnant or something?" (never thinking for a moment that this could really be a possiblity) He screamed at me "Yes, she's pregnant! Are you happy now?" I screamed and fell into the chair and covered my face. He said "She's not pregnant, I just said that because you're badgering me". So the next day when he left for work, I called my attorney (who is also a personal friend of H and me)and talked to his paralegal. I said "Hi Pat. David told me over the weekend about the mess he's in with the OW I don't know how we're going to get through this pregnancy thing." Pat said, "Oh I know. It's such a mess. What are you going to do? Maybe it's not his." BINGO-suspicions verified. I tricked the truth out of her. When H called me a few minutes later all blissed out over our reconciliation and asked me to join him at the health club, I told him I had just spoke to Pat and that I had just got her to tell me the truth. He raced home, we sat on the sofa for two or three days talking and crying. It was horrible/it was good. Bear in mind that until January 1, all of November and December were a complete nightmare. He had told the OW that he loved her, he was divorcing me, that they would be married, he was rejecting me and telling me he wanted out of the marriage, that he just wanted to be rid of me, etc. Everything's changed. He's home and on most days we're working on this and doing pretty well. But there other days like today where it all seems futile and all in vain. Time will tell. It also depends on how much I can take. You are in my thoughts and prayers. He will realize what he has done to you and to himself. Nothing good will come to either your H or the OW...their relationship is doomed.

Destroyed: H paid the money when she first told him about the pregnancy out of guilt. Nothing has been paid since...<P>Jenny: Yesterday was the Telephone Testimony for the Paternity Suit. The Judge gave H a continuance until June 16 to give us time to find a NY attorney. The Judge indicated he would prefer to wait until after it's born for DNA testing, but OW wants the testing NOW by having blood drawn from the baby inutero (sp?) She must be pretty confident it's H's baby. AND she really, really wants $$$. She's willing to endanger that baby's life to do DNA testing before it's born in order to cop a few bucks. My her black heart rot in hell. Meow.

Ladydv: Oh by the way...I'm as barren as the Sahara and can't have a child with my H either. The only thing more painful than and Affair, is an affair when you husband impregnates the OW, and the only thing that could possibly be more painful than that is if you don't have a child together or if you can't have a child together. It is all too bitter for me to endure sometimes. Just think, this OW is actually having my H's child, and I can't! It should be me having this baby, not her! I know exactly how you feel. Do you scream in your car, too?

Oh Catnip,<BR>My God she's cold!! UGH. Having lost 3 babies myself and refusing an amnio with my last pregnancy for that reason (the possibility of miscarriage it entails), your OW GROSSES ME OUT! I'm sorry but I think your man was out to lunch when he found her. (You know, it's not like I can point fingers here, hunh?) What a horrid woman.<P>I haven't forgotten your private letter, catnip. I really need a good hour to myself to write it and I just haven't had time. Am SO bummed the first one got erased...<P>Keep writing ladies. There's power in numbers.

This little exclusive club of ours keeps getting bigger! So sorry to all of us that we are brought together under these circumstances.<P>NABS, I am sorry to hear you are divorcing. Just make sure it is what you want because all kinds of attitudes change once things move in that direction. We are in the process also and my H feels I have no right to say or feel anything where he is concerned now. It is pretty hard to turn off feelings just because you have no legal claim to each other anymore.<P>My H's girlfriend's baby is due Sunday, it is going to be a great weekend for me I'm sure.

Smith,<BR>I'm so sorry. I had to say it but you know the birth can be up to two weeks late, too. And in our case it was another...six weeks at least until the DNA test came back. <P>And I was the one that answered the results from the mail and THAT was the moment I found out OW had given this child MY mother-in-law's maiden name as this child's middle name! PUKE. (And did I mention that when OW told my H she was pregnant she asked, if it were a boy, if she could name it after him??? This was my friend?!?!)<P>Oh gosh... I'm not helping anyone here! I apologize again. Please take good care of yourselves, one and all. It's a very stressful time for every one of us. God bless and keep us one and all. May we be in the midsts of the angels' healing circles of light and love...

Jenny: I just e-mailed you but I had to tell you after reading your post to tell you that I needed to know how long the DNA takes and this is valuable information. We need to hear these things from ONE OF US... not from the OW. Read my post under "To Guilty OW & Very Sad". <P>Smith and Nabs: God love and keep you both and give you comfort and strength. we are here for you. Love Catnip Meow

Jenny: Also check out Very Sad's post under "I have been thinking about Plan B but..."<BR>Meow

My H has withdrawn from me. He is shutting me out and is no longer in love with me and refuses to make any effort at all towards reconcilliation. I believe it is because he has decided to go to NY to be with OW and make a home with her and be with her for the birth.<BR>I have decided to let him go. I won't fight it and I am taking steps to protect myself. His cruelty is off the charts and I am no longer willing to let him torture me. I know he is only with me right now because he doesn't have the money to leave. Pray for me. Thanks.

What's going on now? All hanging in there?

Smith,<BR>Personally I am doing well. This week about every other day has been good--no joke! One morning I woke from a nightmare about OW and that day sucked but I'm slowing healing, slowly getting our act together and it feels good <P>Please see my post to Catnip, who seems to be losing her H bigtime. OW due in Aug. Major grief. So sorry Catnip. No one deserves to be treated that way. After you reopened your heart to him and everything... no words can describe. Smith you could commiserate...<P>Others??????????????????????