I will try to make this short but I realy need some suggestions, possitive outlook, ext.

I have been married for 2 years, together for 5. I haven't felt a connection with my h for 1 year now. There are so many problems that we have and so many things that I can't stand about him. He really does love me and I am the one wanting a divorce. He is trying but I just don't think that our personalities are clicking. I am conservative and plan for the future, although I am only 22 I have always been thought of as older, maturity wise for my age reason why he is 7 years older. I have a great job and I have always been the bread winner. My h worked nights for the past year so that added to our problems. He is also very immature and does not think things through at all so me being a planner and thinker, we have some major major issues. He thought everything was fine, evidently the past year of having tons of fights and me being depressed didn’t click with him. There is a lot of added pressure because my parents never did like him that much and of course all my friends hate him. Everyone always tells me I can do better and basically in the very end of Jan. I said enough is enough. I can’t live like this being unhappy and depressed any more. I told him I wanted to separate. I wanted us to see other people and not each other so I had time to figure out what I really wanted in life or what I could really handle. Well I started hanging out with this guy from work, you know the drill, he of course is everything that my h isn’t so I fell in “love” with him quite fast. Don’t really know if it is true love though because my emotions were flying everywhere. I am still kind of dating him. My H anyway didn’t want to wait for me to figure it out so he told me to make a decision feb 16, that he couldn’t wait any longer and of course he was upset that I was interested in another guy and such so we had a huge fight and I gave him what he wanted. My answer, I want a divorce. I new that was kinda what I wanted but wasn’t sure, heck I don’t know. How can I decide in 2 weeks, geeze. Then he took it back and said that I didn’t have to answer (because he didn’t like the answer), but I already did so I got even more pissed of and just said no its over. After that I had to move out and really had no place to go since I was paying for all the bills since most of everything is in my name (he has bad credit, and makes bad money). I shared the appt with my new bf I guess you can say. Meanwhile my h gets laid off and then moves back to st louis all within a month. He left the appt, that I was still listed as living in, a complete mess. It took 40 bags of trash to clean it up and not to mention all the furniture that he didn’t bother to help move and tons of his stuff that he wanted me to box up and send to him. That is how immature he is. But as much as I hate what he does and wish he were different I think I still have feelings for him. But now everyone is happy I left him, they think it’s a good decision, and I mean everyone. And now he is in st. louis and I wish that I he hadn’t asked me for an answer and I wish I hadn’t given him one that I wasn’t ready for. Now I don’t know if I actually want him back or I am just missing him. I am scared and I feel so alone and I know if I try to make things work and take him back my parents and friends will be mad at me.

Do you have any suggestions.
Thanks

Oh, dear. I’m sorry it all came down this way! I personally think it’s a red flag if no one thought this man was good for you. And I’ll agree that he acted irresponsibly.

However, your actions haven’t been “mature” either. You were unfaithful. You moved in with the OM after a very short time. These are not wise decisions. However, you are very young and I remember all kinds of stupid things I did even when I was 25, though I know I wasn’t very mature.

Also, if I do the math right, you met your husband when you were 17 and he was 24.

I’d do yourself a favor. A hard, tough-love favor. Get rid of your boyfriend, at least for the time being. Send a letter of apology to your husband, but do not say anything about working things out. And in fact, you better make sure he’s not ruining your credit. You may need to file for divorce in order to protect yourself financially.

Meanwhile, live a while on your own so that you can figure out what you want. No men for a year. I know that probably sounds like forever, but it’s not. Hopefully, during that time your husband will also live on his own and become more responsible.

My personal experience is some people simply like to drift where life takes them. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, if you’re a planner, someone who wants to steer the boat of your life and you’re married to someone who floats through, you’re going to have conflict. The amount and severity will depend on how extreme you each are.

I know this is not your typical marriage builder advice. But you two are very young, and there are no children involved. And as I said, if no one likes him and never did, I think that’s a big red flag.

I am not an expert but I have been married for 18 years. I can see why you are unhappy with your H since he has not been doing a good job on the support and if he is working nights your time together was probably minimal. Only you know for sure what kind of a person he is but some things you said I thought I should respond too.

I am always amazed how people cannot see the obvious in their relationships. I am not talking just about you I am talking about myself also.

Let me put it this way. What if the senario you told us was reversed? Let's say your H went out and had a girlfriend and was dating her while you were married? And lets say your H told you that he thought you should see other people while you were married? I don't see how there could be a happy outcome from that scenario. Married people don't date around after they are married.

Maybe your H is a worthless piece of you know what or maybe he is not, but I can tell you that if what you say is true and everyone tells you that he is then that is going to change your perception of him. You married him and if everyone runs him down I am sure you jumped on the bandwagon.

I have a B-I-L who divorced his wife due to an A. My wifes family all told him she was crap and to D her and he did. I think he wanted to try and work on the M but everyone told him to dump her. He still is not happy and I think others should have left him alone and let him make the decision. My W told him if he got back together we wouldn't associate with her. I told her we should let him decide but she didn't want them together. I would dump my wife if she had an A so I can understand her thinking but it is not our lives it is her brothers life.

You really need to look at yourself. You might think your mature but mature people do not date when they are having problems in their marriage. My W thinks our marriage is great and I think it is bad right now, however, I don't think the way to save it would be to date other people. That would be the way to ruin the marriage.

You have betrayed your H and your vows and are in the fog right now. Are you going to do the same thing in your new relationship if things get tough? How are you going to trust a man that was willing to break up your marriage? If I was your new man I also wouldn't trust you. You were willing to break your vows and sleep with another man when you were married! I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you.

I wish you well and agree with greengables. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide to do.

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: DadandHusband ]</small>