Hello,
Thank you for responding - please I beg any of you for advice.
The history of this tragedy is thus: Last summer an old girl friend and I ended up twice attempting to have an infidelity. The fact was that we did not have intercourse, but that is not important as what we did do was still unfaithful - I should not have crossed that line at all.
I told my wife some of this but tried to minimize it. A couple months later, after about 1.5 years of struggling with a midlife crisis to determine the purpose God has for me here, I started to go crazy. I speculated out loud to her that maybe we were not compatible. I also lashed out at my wife with various criticisms because, from my perspective, she was not spending enough effort on our marriage. But I see now that I was just unhappy with myself and took it out on her.
Well I pushed too hard and said too many nasty things - she is the quiet type and I did not know I was hurting her until she filed for divorce as I was returning from my 6-week climbing trip. I also interacted with another woman in a totally platonic way but still "inappropriate" to my wife.
In feb, just before my climbing trip to Nepal, I met a woman a few times (couple lunches and dinner) who was going through a divorce. I told my wife all about this woman and tried to get them to meet but the woman moved to another state after I had known her but three weeks.
One evening, while my wife was out of town on business, this new platonic friend came up to our house and we spoke into the wee hours about relationships and marriage. It was very late and we were tired so I offered her the use of our guest room - which she accepted. I entered this in my journal on my computer.
But I chose not to tell my wife thinking that she would misinterpret this thouroughly platonic event.
When I was away my wife broke into my computer files and looked at my personal journal as well as emails to this new friend including a letter where I speculated to this person that I am in an unfulfilling relationship. I thought I was just using this person as a sounding board for radical thoughts, but my wife interpreted this differently.
Anyway, the bottom line is this: My wife, whom I love totally, claims that she cannot trust me and no longer wishes to be married to me becuase of that.
I am so lost. She is house-sitting somewhere and staying with friends and living out of her car and suitcase.
I am reading through the New Testament again and praying to God and I have sent my wife about 4 emails of varying lengths admiting ALL that has occured and all my mistakes, repenting for these mistakes, explaining why I was hurt and lost and looking for some love, and asking for forgiveness.
But she stands fast and will not agree to reconcile nor more counseling.
If anyone can give some advice I would be most grateful.
Thank you,
Z B
