All right, guy...you're slacking off!!! I need a few good laughs today.....it's been a long week...

In honor of Miss BIG o, let's have a laugh or two.


A Shave And A Shine


A cowboy walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

Tired Of Male Bashing Jokes?

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: Why do men "break wind" more than women?
A: Because women can't stay quiet long enough to build up the required pressure.

All wives are alike. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks met in a bar and agreed that they weren't going anywhere in life, so they decided to go to college in order to get ahead. So they hop in a pickup truck and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes into one of the rooms and finds a professor, who advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked the first redneck.

The professor replied, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do," grinned the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "Amazin'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae... this is incredible!" (The redneck is catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."

The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" the friend asked.

"Math, history and logic," replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his new friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?"

"No," his friend replied.

"You're gay, aren't ya?"

who double posted?

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: LostHusband ]</small>

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh sh*&."

ADVICE FOR WOMEN

1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks, LH!! Those were funny!!! Where do you come up with all of these???

I always send the redneck ones to my x-H....he's originally from Alabama, not that there's anything wrong with that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ms.O:
<strong> Thanks, LH!! Those were funny!!! Where do you come up with all of these???</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now if I told you where I came up with them then my existance here would be extremely limited. But seriously, I get most of them from a site called askmen.com.

And BTW my neck ain't red but it's well tanned.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LostHusband:
<strong> Now if I told you where I came up with them then my existance here would be extremely limited.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oooppss....sorry...can't have THAT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Not a joke but is is the truth.....I have a friend who used to play guitar in one group or another. One time they played a Jewish frat party. Guess what was one of the requested songs?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
--
-
"Jesus Is Just Alright With Me"

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch
on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" and I just laid down and told him, "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: No! He just yelled, "April Fool!" and that's when I shot him.

MORE REDNECK HUMOR

*** An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

*** Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK.
Ummmmm...five?"

*** An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

*** Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

*** Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. " The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

* Know why they raised the minimum drinking age inTennessee to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

*** What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi? Documentaries

*** Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

*** Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

*** A new law was recently passed in South Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

*** What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

*** How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully in her sleep. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"