I really really don't want to file and move ahead with divorce but it seems pretty obvious that is the only next logical step.

Funny thing is I know she's not going to fight it at all, it will probably make her very happy to finally end our seperation.

Right now my heart is pouring out for my son and his future. God knows I really don't want to go thru with this and this is going to really hurt like hell.

She see's no reason to stay married at all or even make any attempt to work things out for any reason, not even for the sake of our sons future.

Something is pushing her in the direction and convincing her that this is the right thing to do and to totally give up everything that we have shared.

I am really scared that this is going to turn into a real nasty battle that should not be and the ultimate looser is going to be our son.

I don't know what else to do at this point but to go ahead and file.

This is so senseless.......

Why do you have to do anything? It seems you still have mixed feelings, so why not just wait.

You don't have to file, and it sounds to me like you are not sure you want to.

I'm not telling you what to do, but I don't think I read that you are totally convinced this is the best course of action. However, I don't have to live your life, so take my advice for what it is worth.

Tony

Tony, we have been seperated for over 2 years and little to nothing has forwardly progressed in our marriage, she has grown more and more distant. She is quite happy to be on her own and is makings plans to further everything that has nothing to do with working together as a couple.

She is settling into the frame of mind that she wants to do everything by herself and that is the only thing important to her.

I have raised our son by myself this entire time with little to no help from her at all.

She wants to go back to school so we talked about it today and I told her I would help her with that. She told me not to worry about it and she would do it on her own and that we have been talking about it for months and nothing has been getting done, at least from my end. I have had to try and focus on raising OUR son and paying OUR bills.

I said to her today how difficult it is to do this on my own with no help and she said I don't know how your doing it, I know I could not afford to.

Everything is about her and her own personal growth, nothing for the marriage or for our sons future.

HF, if you have full custody of son, you may be able to file for child support. Without having to file for divorce.

Do you have a lawyer? Are you legally separated or just separated?

If you don't have a lawyer, the first step is to get one. Even if you choose to use a mediator, a lawyer will be worth the money if you want to be the residential parent, i.e. you take care of your son. And trust me, you want that.

A lawyer can also tell you the risks of filing versus the risks of not filing. What you can and can't do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong> HF, if you have full custody of son, you may be able to file for child support. Without having to file for divorce.

Do you have a lawyer? Are you legally separated or just separated?

If you don't have a lawyer, the first step is to get one. Even if you choose to use a mediator, a lawyer will be worth the money if you want to be the residential parent, i.e. you take care of your son. And trust me, you want that.

A lawyer can also tell you the risks of filing versus the risks of not filing. What you can and can't do. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are just seperated and it has been like this for over 2 years.

I have had to carry ALL of the responsibility for our son while she been living free of the responsibility, not just financially but everything that has to do with him even basic nuturing. She fell in with a bad crowd when we seperated and got heavily into drinking and pot smoking (she was away from that for 8 years until we split up)

She has slowly but surely slowed way down on that mainly due to being away from her influential roommate who lived and still lives that lifestyle.

When we first seperated everybody saw hope, big time, the counselors, her childhood friends ect. We went to counseling and things were going well in a mature fashion, however her roommate kept enticing her into having a good time, living wildly and ignoring her son, let alone the marriage. She turned head over heels when I told her I was going to put US into counseling she was quite happy, her roommate was not happy about that at all and it caused a lot of fights between them.

Due to the strain and stress and logistics of raising a child alone I ended up going thru 4-5 jobs that first year, going on food stamps, un-emloyment, assistance programs and was even homeless for 2 weeks (she does not know that). I lost 2 car loans and was evicted 2 times.

My credit is completely shot while she is able to pay her bills, and be moderately comfortable. I was to overwhelmed by things going on in my life to pay attention to our marriage for the first year of seperation. I would ask for help and none would come, my mother even looked at me one day during moving from an eviction and said "there is no hope for you or this child, you need to give him up for adoption and live on the streets".

I asked her about this months later and she said it was her version of "tough love", however she was quite serious about not doing a thing to help during that crisis.

The job I have now is great and my sons daycare is great and I don't have any fears of that going downhill at all.

I have struggled and sacrificed way more than I should have but I had to because no-one else cared about us. Now that I am back on my feet everybody comes around and is all nicey nicey, however I cannot forget where they were during the times I needed them most, and that is nowhere.

But thru it all I have kept my son.

I would suggest counseling for you and your son. She obviously, with the drugs and drinking feels that is her way of getting the high that she didn't get in the marriage. You have your child, and that is one step in the right direction. Why don't you try and have her coming over once a week for a get together with you, your wife and your son. It could be a simple picnic out at the park. It could be just sitting at the house and watching a video, and eating pizza. Or how about playing games with your son.

Encourage her to participate in getting to know your son and see him interact in everyday life. If your son is in school, how about going to activities at school together.

She may be feeling that she really doesn't know what she wants. Yes, she wants to go to school, good. Encourage her. That way she and your son have something in common to talk about. I do feel there is something there that she is not able to come forward and say.

If I were you, I would hold off for awhile. Try working on encouraging her to have a family with you and your son. Little by little, she will see what she is missing. I do believe, that people on drugs will use the drugs to escape from reality.

Wait, and miracles do happen. Even for those who feel there is little hope.

I would love to be able to have her over every once in a while and do those things, I have suggested that to her on many occassions but there is no interest in doing that, it would be of great help to our relationship.

There are a lot of little things we could do that would help us out a great deal.

However if we do things that are constructive to working on us just a little bit, there is no interest there on her part.

I asked her the other day if she would like to go with me some morning to our sons daycare when I drop him off, she lives 1 mile from it. There was no interest in it at all. The only interest she has had ever since getting her own place and finally being on her own revolves just around her and taking care of just herself.

On the one day of the week she does take our son for the night she plops him down in front of the TV and that is it, very little interaction. She never asks how he is doing in school, she never asks much about what he is doing at all or how well he is doing.

The other day we were out to lunch and he always sits next to her. This particular day he was fussing about eating and she actually interacted with him for a while to get him to eat. I just sat there with a smile on my face watching the whole thing and them interact together it was wonderful. She looked over at me and said "what are you looking at?" I just smiled because I was seeing the softer side of her she hardly ever shows, it was nice.

Whenever she drops her hard edge she is the most loving person I know and a pleasure to be around, but she has a lot of anger in her at times and keeps reflecting on all the bad in her life and hurt she has felt, that seems to give her strength.