OK, I thought it was unfair to thread-jack on peachy, but wanted to addresss this further.

"Dating" is not a word that I have allowed back in my vocabulary yet. I call it "hanging out". Dating to me brings a whole lot of weird pressure that I never realized when I was a teenager (maybe I was better able to handle it, the few times I did it?). I find dating somewhat tiring at this point, so perhaps that should tell me something. Maybe I'm not ready (?). It to me feels like pressure to do everything "perfect" and act "perfect" and play stupid games with people. Maybe that is part of the baggage from my marriage to my XH. We played games THE ENTIRE last two years. I refuse to play games, and have been finding that my "lay it on the table" attitude scares people more often than not.

The local guy who I mentioned on peach's thread and I are sort of on the outs at this point. I blew it because of feeling like I could "make it happen" instead of just being patient and "letting it happen". That seems to be my special gift these days. I guess I had some ENs that came on a little strong for my friend and he bolted. Anyway I find myself feeling WAY guilty and bad here for a whole host of reasons, but mostly I feel sad. I know, if roles were reversed, and he was telling me some of the things I've said to him about his sitch and his XW (not mean, but very un-sugar-coated reality type stuff), I'd probably be mad at him too. No matter how well-meaning I am at this point, I have a sense that I'm coming across as a bossy know it all, and just wish I could tell him I'm sorry for that.

Karona, I can totally identify with the "lonliness". For me, it has been almost a year since my X left the house for good. Of course, the summer months were filled with the deception of "we'll be back together in September". I felt like the biggest dope on the planet, because everyone saw it coming except me. Anyway, I feel like I've been alone long enough, even though I haven't been divorced very long (was 5 months on April 25th). I miss being able to just call up someone and bounce an idea off them. I miss being held while watching a movie. I miss having someone listen to me. I really just want someone to have "fun" with, you know? I think I'm ready for some male companionship, and if it works into something bigger, then it does.

Anyway, like I said, I didn't want to thread jack on peachy, but really wanted to just vent this morning about some tough stuff I've been working through. The truth is, I found it a lot easier to focus on and try to help with someone else's problems, and sort of lost track of focusing on me and my path. Guess I'm not as far into recovery as I thought. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

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Recovery is ongoing, and it is far easier to focus on someone else's problems than on our own.

Think of the stages of grief as a rollercoaster.

u u
u u
u u
uuuu

All of us slip up and down on the hill of recovery. There are many people who are stuck on the downside, where they hate and blame. Others are stuck in the bottom. Wanting recovery is good, and though there are setbacks, we know we will benefit.

When you are feeling down, remember to count your blessings. We all have so many wonderful people in our lives, we should be grateful for all.

I think that you're doing fine.

Here are my new two cardinal rules of dating...so they don't freak out and run off after hearing about how my x had the hummer repossessed, my four court appearances, the 100k squandered by he and his goodtime girls etc...

rules:
1)NO talk about the D. Don't. Don't engage until you're READY for deeper level talks and leave it there for a long time...
2)learned this in sales...Don't talk about YOU> talk about THEM. This works great. They will believe you're the best listener period.
Plus it leaves a bit of mystery about yourself which is good.
3)your appearance...trends are good but wear what makes YOU feel good and flatters you.
4)the stuff our cheating x's say ...well...it's garbage! Remember...garbage in equals garbage out. When you feel bad about yourself and your esteem starts falling when you buy into that crapola they told you...remember to put good stuff in to get good stuff out! My x used to say that I was ugly, stupid and fat. Well then I was a SAHM and believed it b/c I wasn't "out there" in the real world. Couldn't be more farther from the truth of who I am really. Keep that in mind too.

We all have down times. But the sheer fact you want something more is a sure sign of the early bit of recovery going on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Reading "life stragegies" by Dr. Phil helped me get to recovery faster I think. I refer to it all the time btw.

Peach...THANKS

I will address your rules that you have and apply them to this current sitch, and you can tell me what you think, K?

rules:

1)NO talk about the D. Don't. Don't engage until you're READY for deeper level talks and leave it there for a long time...

*Peach, that is almost ALL this new guy and I have talked about. His is still fresh (February 16). He is the BS and his XW left him in a similar fashion to that of my XH (as well as the rest of us BS0. It's almost been like a "comparing notes" kind of thing. Mainly I've been offering a bit of what I've learned through personal experience and what I've read here and in books and stuff. But yeah, the discussions have already gone that deep for us, mostly because the similarities gave us a sort of camaraderie.

2)learned this in sales...Don't talk about YOU, talk about THEM. This works great. They will believe you're the best listener - period.

* Peach, I feel like I have been a good listener and also good at backing up my words with actions with this guy. I have done nothing but shoot straight from the hip for mainly two reasons. #1: I played games with my XH for a solid two years or more. Won't do it again. Not gonna make someone guess what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. This usually is a problem, I'm finding, because I don't get the same response from the guy, and plus, I think it comes across as a little forward in some cases. #2: I think this guy deserves the truth, because of being a BS and putting up with lies, manipulation, etc. in that position himself.

3)your appearance...trends are good but wear what makes YOU feel good and flatters you.

* Peach...I've bought more crop tops and "tight a**" low rise jeans (as my Mom calls them) since the first of the year than I ever have. Love it. The chest isn't my best feature, so I gotta show off what works (the belly and the tushie!)

4)the stuff our cheating x's say ...well...it's garbage! Remember...garbage in equals garbage out. When you feel bad about yourself and your esteem starts falling when you buy into that crapola they told you...remember to put good stuff in to get good stuff out! My x used to say that I was ugly, stupid and fat. Well then I was a SAHM and believed it b/c I wasn't "out there" in the real world. Couldn't be more farther from the truth of who I am really. Keep that in mind too.

* Peach, my ex used to tell me that I was a dirty rotten filthy whore and that I didn't deserve to have a good relationship. Could that be why I strive SO HARD to have one to prove his butt wrong?? Truly, the fact is I could care less what he thinks or feels anymore. He told me the other night that I "haven't acted like a 'lady' since the final hearing". RIGHT. And I guess he's been a saint, sleeping with anything that walks, but only if it's under age 24. WHO CARES? He's not my problem anymore, and like I said...if anyone would have told me last year at this time I'd be this happy being alone, I would have swore they were either feverish or on some sort of medication that were altering their thinking process.

I will check on your book, but I am in the middle of reading "The Language of Letting Go" (which is terribly painful to read some days), and also "Purpose Driven Life". Plus I'm also scanning a copy of "Arsenic and Old Lace" in preparation for tryouts on Friday. WISH ME LUCK!

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