I haven't posted much in quite awhile, just thought I'd check in. WH filed for D in March, and it has been progressing rather slowly.

The day he gave me the papers, he played a song for me - some of you may be familiar with it "The Reason" by Hoobastank. I hadn't cried over him in a few months, but I sat there with tears streaming down as I listened to it. Parts of it said something about I'm not a perfect person, sorry for all the things I did, I never wanted to hurt you, I found a reason to start over new, to change who I used to be and the reason is you, I wish I could be the one to wipe all your tears away...Sure, that coming from the person who hearlessly watched me sob hysterically, not wanting to even live any longer, without so much as lifting a finger to comfort me. Mostly I was angry and just fed up because I knew he had no intention of that being anything other than a guilt reliever/lame apology, with no intention of any action behind it as far as our relationship. After it was over I just looked at him and said, "That's nice, too bad you couldn't have said all that 2 months ago", he saw I was crying and said he didn't mean to make me cry, and I said, "well, you have a way of doing that".

Since then we have talked and he knows I have moved on with my life and apparantly that affects him more than he thought it would, but by his own admission, not enough to make him want to commit to our marriage.
After a year and a half of absolute emotional torture at his hands, I was simply emptied of the ability to invest anything at all in him anymore, I have no desire. I am sad sometimes at the loss of history and of course very sad for my girls. But the roller coaster has eaten them up as much as it has me.
I am actually happier and more at peace now than I have been since I can remember. My life has gone a route that I never in a million years could have even imagined it going. A lot of it has been like either my worst nightmare that I can't wake up from, or a surreal out of body experience.

At this point, my girls are for the most part, happier than they have been in a long time, and so am I, and I am glad to be moving on.
Well, that is my update.
RidingTheRollerCoaster, if you read this, please check in, I've been wondering about you!

Hi, My divorce was June of 2003. My ex posts here regularly, and has been here for about 3 years or so.

The rollercoaster ride, continues on in my life. My divorce was ugly, and my ex procrastinated during the whole thing.

He is in fact, in the other state with the other woman as I speak. I know they won't make a go of it. Cause she is a mentally unstable person. She used my ex as well as me, and has no remorse about any of this.

I have never heard my ex say to me that he was really sorry, sing a song, or write a poem or anything of that sort. He justifies his actions here, many times. He justifies his affair.

I don't expect an apology, I don't expect him to ever come to me and with his true heart say he is sorry. I don't believe he has it in himself to do this. Like when he had sex with the other woman, he called it biology.

Your husband did come to you with remorse and guilt. I do feel that he did this in his best way, a song. It did make you cry, for sadness that what you two had is gone. Time heals our hearts slowly. Mine is still pretty much bleeding. I am so lifted with a future to hear that you are so very happy. And your daughters are so very happy. My kids are not happy, for they had a unit for a very long time, 25 years of marriage, and then its gone. There is still quite a bit of turmoil in this family, and anger and resentment.

Ex is happy with his life. Moving on with his other woman, and probably in her bed right now. Which is okay, if that is the type of person he wants. I know in my heart that I want a christian man, a man who puts God #1 in his life, then his wife. My ex put me after the children.

When do you think your divorce will be over. There is a time line before the judge orders it to go to trial. I am happy that you are moving on, and getting your life together. It is hard, after being a couple and then on your own. It is nice to hear that you daughters are quite happy and finding themselves.

Many people have ended up here, and it is sad. But most of the people will make it. It won't be easy, but they will make it. Nice to see you happy.

Faith4Me,
Sorry to hear about your situation. My girls are 2 and 5, so it's a lot different than it is for your kids. My 2 year old had an awful time when WH first moved out, and then again when we moved in with my parents. She cried inconsolably for him all the time, even talked about him in her sleep, saying things like, "Daddy left without me". It was heartbreaking. But the past few weeks have been much better, thanks to some adjusting and some positive influences in their life that allow them to feel secure.
I would never have chosen this for my girls, it is my worst nightmare come to life. But I have found that even in my worst nightmare, there is good that comes out of it, things that never could have been were it not for the nightmare in the first place.
Despite WH's lovely song that he played for me, I do not feel I have gotten a truly heartfelt and repentant apology either. That's because he has continued to carry on a "friendly" relationship with OW, and still sees nothing wrong with it. If he was ever truly sorry, he would have spared me further anguish a long time ago by choosing his wife and family over a "friend". But history repeats itself, and his past pattern of behavior keeps on cycling around, and I am not sticking around to be crushed in the gears again. There's only so much a person can take, and I reached my limit a few months ago. I was hitting self-destruct mode, which could have gotten a lot worse than it did. A lot of people may not agree with the way I am handling things, but I am doing what is making me and my girls strong and happy. I still beat myself up, wondering if I should have done more, held out longer. Then I realize that's my same old faulty thinking again - thinking I actually have some control over it, thinking that WH would come to his senses when he has shown me time after time after time that he will not. I decided I am done torturing myself, and it's time to show myself some of the mercy I have ben showing him for the past year and a half.
Well, sorry I didn't mean for this to get so long. I don't talk about this situation with WH much anymore because I just want it out of my life, I guess once I start it all just comes flooding out.
I hope that you can move on as well, and be hgappy again.

I don't know if you have any books for your daughters, but there are some great books for young children on divorce.
The Dinosaurs Divorce and Koko, It's not your fault are good ones.
Also, see if there is a Rainbows class near you. It's a peer grief counseling program for children of death or divorce. www.rainbows.org.
My children loved Rainbows.

Your daughters are quite young. Yes, they somehow think that they are responsible for their daddy leaving. I am so sorry for your sweet little ones. Divorce is so hard on kids, and Newly did suggest some great books for the girls. Are you in counseling with the girls by anychance?

My ex did the same thing, kept with his other woman, and then now is with his other woman. He says it is his friend, friends don't end up in bed together.

Yes, you have to move on, cause your stbx is in the foggg...! One day they will see what they have done to their family. The torture that us BS's experience, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. The only one I can say for sure that I would wish this on, is the other woman. For my ex was her 2nd sexual affair in her long term marriage. Now she is divorced, which I don't blame her ex. The first was with a minister. And they did it in Gods house.

They are playing with fire, and they will get burned. God is watching them, and God sees everything. Just like my ex is manipulating me now. Making me feel that I should claim bankruptcy. The bid debt that I have is the medical bills I have that the judge ordered him to pay. But he can afford to fly out to Arizona, buy a vehicle out there, and do all the fun things. Take the other woman out to dinner, and movies and wine and dine her, and then have sex.

There are not many books out there to help children get through the mess of a divorce of their parents. I have been looking into this. Have you been seeking counseling for your young daughters. And how is it with your stbx? I hope he doesn't have the other woman around when he sees your daughters. That is so rude.

During my exs affair. He didn't hide the other woman very well. The kids realized that dad was having an affair, and I was notified by them, that they knew. Kids are very intuned to these sort of things. All they want is a a normal life, normal family, and a normal future.

That is what saddens me the most. My ex has involved one of my kids too much into his life. And through counseling it is called emotional insest(sp?). Which is wrong, and when I mentioned this to the ex. He just turned it around, that he justified his actions. The fogg.....!!!

Good to hear that you are becoming happy, and finding your life. I hope things work out for you and the girls. When do you think the divorce will be over with?

I have matters to deal with per the divorce to this day. And have to take my ex to court again. I hate doing this, but he has shown that he doesn't care about what the judge ordered, and is only doing things to benefit himeself. That is his choice, so I have no other choices, but to do what was ordered, for the ex justifies everything. But he will have to justifiy to the judge, and see what she does. Divorce is ugly, and I hate it.

Newly, thanks for the link for Rainbows. I contacted them via e-mail today. There aren't any groups less than about an hour away, but that's workable if it was something I took them to once a week or something.

I feel so bad for my girls - they just don't understand. My 4 year old (well, now 5 - she turned 5 Mon) has said some things that break my heart. When we first moved in with my parents (after her dad had moved out of the house) she was asking when daddy would be coming to my parents house. Having to tell her never was the worst thing I've ever had to do. Tears just started streaming down her little face, as she asked, "Never? He's never going to live with us again?" Then the worst part: "But, mommy, we won't be a family anymore. We need all 3 (mom,dad, kids) to be a family. It just won't be the same without Daddy...it won't be the same." <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Fortunately, they seem to slowly be adjusting and doing better. I truly don't understand why WH took the path he did. I don't know how he could go the route he did, knowing that it very possibly meant he would end up only seeing his children once every 2 weeks, with a midweek visit here and there. It baffles my mind.

Faith4Me, I have no idea when this will be finished. We are hoping not to have to go to court, but rather decide things in mediation. Who knows...Right now, I am waiting to here from my attorney. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />