I'm sorry for writing a quite long story. please take a time to read it and help me.

I've been reading the posts since my husband left me. He left 11 days ago. I've read many posts and the reponses were very suppotive. I think my story is a little bit different than from others because I have been the one who has been not trying on our marriage. We have been married two and a half years. We had a long distance relatioship (3hours away from each other) before we got married. We were in madly love and after 10 months of into our relationship, one weekend when my husband came to visit we decided to get married at a court.

We just wanted to be together and we never thought about the whole picture. From the beginning we had a bad start. Right before we got married I found out that my husband still posted his picture and information on an online dating. He told me he was sorry that he didn't realize it was still up so I forgave him. Then three months into our relationship I found a porn on his computer. I was devastated and hurt and he told me he was sorry and it was just a habit from his bachelor years and he hasn't relized what he was doing so I forgave him again. But this is where my problem with trust started.

After the incident, I became very suspicious of everything he was doing. My husband started to get himself into a shape and I was very furious about it because he used to be in shape before before he met me and used to date so called barbie dolls. I confronted him couple times if he wanted to start date other women. He told me he was doing it for himself to feel good which I didn't believe that time and I gave him hard time working out. Over the period I became very paranoid of him finding someone and cheating on me and I started to look at his computer and cell phone to see if I can find anything. I regret doing this so much. I should have not done that. Well, last september I found more porn on his computer. I was devasted I didn't know what to do. I told him I didn't want to see him any more and he left. Then after couple days of talking we realized that how much we loved each other and decided to give our marriage a chance so he moved back home.

When he moved back home I promised to trust him which I never did before. I reminded myself not to look at his computer and his cell phones but I kept doing it and he got upset at me couple times and left home voluntarily few times. Then, there was one more incident about the porn stuff. Our relationship was on and off through out the entire marriage. I can't even remember how many times he has left and came back. Usually he would come back within a week then we would have a good few weeks then a fight breaks again and he would leave again. This has been like a cycle and it has been taking so much out of me. My husband says that this time he had it enough and he doesn't want to come back ever again. He told me that I would never trust him no matter what he does. I don't know why I can give him the trust. We have tried MC once on my husband's request and after one session we stoppted seeing the counselor. I still don't know why. I tried to pursuade my husband that we need to try MC but he thinks that our relationship has been damaged so much that nothing can help us now. We have said alot of bad things at each other too and that probably hurt the relationship too. He says that he still loves me but he doesn't have confidence in us to fix the problems. I love him so much but I just can not trust him. I don't know why. My husband tell me that I get angry very easily at everything for little things which I think it's true. I get very emotional often. Sometimes I think that we're too young to deal with this. We're both 27.

Also, my mother in law doesn't help the situation neither. My mother in law has been married 6 times and the only man she relys in her life is my husband even though she's married now. She makes feel like I'm in a competition with her. She would call him very often when I'm at school or at work and give him money on the side for him. She hardly calls him when I'm at home. When we have arguments my husband calls his mother for comfort and he would leave me here and stay his mom's home for days. He says that sometimes it's hard to talk to me and confides things to his mother. She calls me when my husband is at her home tells me that I need to look at myself and etc... then she tells me that she loves me and she wants us to work things out. I think over the years I became to dislike her.

Then, there's my husband's friends. Through the period my husband has been telling some horrible things about me to his friends. I found this out when I visited one of his friend's web site. His friend didn't put our names on his web site but said about our marriage that I was controlling him and my husband should leave him and that our marriage wasn't real because we got married in court and I was a B****. When I saw that I cried so much and confronted him. I was very hurt and angry at the same time. I told him he needed to make his friend apologize to me but then he said that he has known him since high school and he's very stubborn and he would never apologize to me. I cried, felt betrayed. He told me I would ignore him and I have ignored since then. His friend never apologized to me even this date but he took stuff about our marriage down from his web site after 3 months of me nagging my husband to tell his friend to take the stuff off. Then there's his other friend whom doesn't like me at all because of what my husband has been telling them. My husband apologized and told me sorry and said that he was hurt when things were happening between us and he just had to tell other people including his mom to make himself better so he wouldn't go crazy. By the way my husband is a still a friend of them. He talks to them constanly on the phone. Mostly when I'm not around but sometimes when I'm around and he plays online game with one of the friends every day. Sometimes I don't know if he needs me or his friends so he can have a online game friend. Many times he has been staying up for playing game with his friend and I have been going to bed myself. I confronted him about this too before and he told me that we've been having problems lately and sometimes he feels like he doesn't want to come to bed with me.

Maybe I couldn't trust him all this time because of these things. I don't know what I need to do now. I'm going to pharmacy school now and I have finals next week but I can't concentrate on studying. I cried when I was talking to my mom over the phone and made her cry too. She's in over seas so she can't really drive here or flight next day to comfort me. I have friends but they are so busy with their studying and their lives. I really have no one to talk to. I don't know what to do. I want to save our marriage I love him so much. I don't know why we stopped seeing a counselor but I'm willing to give my 200% this time and trust my husband. I don't know how to convince him that he shouldn't give up on this and I can really turn around.

Is our relationship too damaged to fix it?

Toki,

The first thing you need to do is read. Then you should read some more.

Read all you can on the site starting with the basic concepts.

Get a copy of His needs Her Needs and read that. Understand what you need to do to enable you and your husband to meet eachothers Emotional needs.

I recomend that you start seeing IC if you're not already. This could probably help a lot with your trust issue as well as dealing with MIL.

Good luck and I'm sorry you need to be here
WIWH