Just got off the phone with my husband. It's has been 13 days since he left. He still thinks we can't work out our marriage and it's better for us to end this marriage. I cried so much on the phone. My eyes are so puffy now. hard to blink and even to look at the monitor... I don't know how to convince him that we shouldn't give up on our marriage so easily. As a day passes by I'm losing hope on our marriage.

I love him so much and I feel like part of me is dying. I don't know how long I can go on like this trying to pursuade him for MC. He thinks our relationship has been damaged too much and it's too late to go back to the way it was. I only hope and pray he will soon see the things the way I see. I just don't know what to do next. I'm just sad all the time and I find myself crying everyday.

...wow, i am going through the exact same thing with my wife (see "can i save my marriage" under emotional needs.) prepare yourself for a long, hard road. your husband is apparently quite angry. remember that what he says is coming from anger. take your time, step back. give him space, but at the same time, let him know you are there. maybe a quick email once a week or something. most importantly, take time for yourself. work on that which will make you a better person, with or without your husband. i highly recommend that you spend the money and make a phone appt. with dr. harley. he will give you much insight.

Oud,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through the same thing as I'm. I could imagine the pain and heartache you're going through now.

I'm getting very scared of the thought that what if my husband doesn't want to work on our marriage if I step back and don't try to pursuade him. His mind is so set now for divorce and I think his friends and family around him are telling him also to get a divorce. I'm just so scared constantly thinking that if I don't do anything now it might be too late later to restore everything. I read from some post that "out of sight, out of mind". I'm so afraid of thinking that my husband will lose the love for me eventually,move on with on his life and never come back to me if I step back now. Am I just paranoid? Is this the right way to think?

I found myself crying again today. There has been a day without me crying since his leaving. I feel so weak and dumb for crying over a man who doesn't want to save our marriage. I always thought I was the stronger one in our relationship. well, guess I was wrong. I don't know how long I'll feel like this. It is killing me every day. I just don't know what to do besides crying for now. Maybe there will be time for me to look at things differently and accept the reality. But, for now crying makes me feel a little bit better.

toki {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

I think you should stop pushing. Let him go...it is true that no one can miss you if you don't let them. I think that after a few years of constantly being with someone, people start to remember being single as much nicer than it really was. Sometimes the 'idea' of sleeping alone and being able to hog the bed sounds really good.

Once they are gone, however, (and this is not always the case but usually) they do miss you.

I ws at the point where I could hardly stand to look at my h. Everything he did annoyed me. He's been gone about 3 months now and I really miss him. I took him very much for granted and he did me as well. In fact, he told me a month or so ago that his life was better without me. What=ever...Then why does he call every day? Buy me jewelry last week? Talk about working things out?

Give him the chance to find out what he's missing. In the meantime, work on toki. Prepare yourself for the worst but continue to hope for the best. I'll bet he didn't fall in love with you in the beginning because you cried and clung to him like a vine. NO, he loved your fun personality, whatever it is that makes you you. Work on becoming the best toki you can be...take a class, learn a hobby, do the things that you've always wanted to do. Having a good life makes us all more attractive.

I am sorry you are going thru this, toki (and oud). No matter which side you are on, the unraveling of a marriage is very painful, even if it is for the better in the long run. Especially when there are kids involved.

I am probably more like your H. I had the A last year, and asked for separation, which I got for a little over a year. Then I confessed, which I thought would make me feel better. Instead, it unleashed a mountain-sized load of anger and resentment inside of me... especially when my H said he forgave me two days afer I confessed, and has never mentioned it again. It made me feel like I always have in this relationship, convenient, unimportant... and to some degree at times suicidal. I never expected this.

I'm not sure if this is what your H is feeling or not but the old phrase "if you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours forever if it doesn't, it never was..." is so true. You can't force people to love you or want to be with you and the more you try (which is what my H is doing now), the worse it gets. People need to feel like they are making decisions on their own, not being trapped or coerced into what somebody else wants. Unfortunately, it takes two to tango.

Take care and best wishes to you no matter what happens.

Franklymydears and Flygirl13,

Thank you for all the generous and supporting words. I really needed that after the crying last night. It has been a very very painful two weeks but I haven't lost hope yet. I'm taking your advice and I'm going to work very hard on myself and to chage myself into a better person not just to win him back but for myself. I'm sure there will be days I'll be crying heart out but I'll take this as a lesson to be strong and take charge of my life. I love my husband with all my heart and want to save this marriage so bad but I'm not going to force him to see the things the way I see it not any more. I'll step back now and give him time to think it over.