I have been married 20 years to a beautiful, loving woman. I really ruined my marriage with an alcohol problem. I was verbally abusive when under the influence. My wife suffered emotionally (lack of loving needs) and physically (because of the stress).

My problem worsened in the last two years. She had warned me many times to get myself help. I made attemps but they didn't last. I had asked my wife to go to marriage counciling with me but she said that I had to help for myself first.

Three weeks ago she told me that she wants a divorce. I tried to convince her that I would do anything humanly possible to save our marriage. She has a deep hurt and anger built up. She is at peace with her decicion for divorce.

I've now hit rock bottom in my life. I have stopped drinking and joined AA for support to stop drinking and totally change my life with a commitment for self improvement which will result in better personal relationships with my two teenage sons and all in my life.

It's so very hard to accept divorce when I deeply love my wife and know in my heart that I can get back a loving relationship that we once had. She says she loves me (as a person not a husband) and is glad that I'm finally taking care of myself.

She is not willing to seperate. She wants a divorce so she can break all ties and be free to make her own decisions and find out who she is. I think she feels that she has missed out on her chance in life to be on her own. She will be keeping the house and will have custody of our two sons.

With the deep hurt and anger she has because of years of my drinking and unloving actions, she can not trust that I can really change.

I know that I can not force someone to love and trust me. It is killing me to let go of our marriage but I know I must accept her decision and have told her that I will.

A divorce is an end and feels like a death. The hurt is unbearable. I will put my faith in God to help me move forward.

If any good comes out of my situation it will be that some alcoholic listens to me and takes responsibility to save their marriage before it is too late.

BDM, sorry you're here, but welcome. And congrats on getting sober. I know some days must seem like unbearable struggles, but you can do it.

There may be hope if your wife has any feelings left for you. One thing that stands out in your post is the respect with which you are treating your wife's decision.

I've seen people come here not wanting a divorce and totally trash the other person's decision. While some people never try to save their marriage, most do and only come to the decision to divorce after much thought and agony.

This kind of respect and the acceptance of responsiblity are good signs.

So, let's see. She doesn't want separation. Does that mean you two are still living in the same house? If so, that can be good. You won't be able to meet her Emotional Needs without antagonizing her. But you can deomonstrate change especially in the area of eliminating love busters and proving you are going to conquor your demon.

If not, you can prove to her through the kids.

Meanwhile, you can ask your lawyer to be very, very slow. Even if she files, many states have mandatory waiting periods. Some give you the option of forcing the other into marriage counseling, although I don't recommend this.

Your goals should be to buy time to demonstrate change, and do nothing that would drive her away. NO Love Busters. And if you don't know what they are, read the site.

Does that make sense?

I'm proud of you for having the courage to stop drinking, and for having the sense to know you need support along the way.

Over on EN board there are one or two recovering alcoholics, at least one of which has saved his marriage. Put something about alcoholics in the subject line, and you'll find them.

Good advice.
Also understand that the alcoholism affected your entire family, and your children need to attend Alanon or a similar program to help them become emotionally healthy people. Unless they get help, they will make poor decisions based on the family life. I say this as an ACOA.

Thanks for the replyies.

Iknow that all ofthe family was effected by my drinking. I'll take your advice and my wife and I will make sure that the kids have counciling.

I will be moving out soon. I'm still living at home for now. Trying to sort out where to live. Not alot of options when money is the issue.

I want to save this marriage and do not want to give up. But "divorce" is such a final move. I only can take it as a sign to move on with my life. People have told me to let it happen and work on helping myself. I know that I will eventually come out of this cloud and my heart will stop aching so much.

I will then remove my love and emotions for her completely because if I don't I will not be able to carry on. I will certainly be on good terms with her because of our kids but I must remove my feelings and hope to be with her.

My wife thinks that after divorcing we will be good "friends". Divorce means you move on with your lives in different directions with new relationships. I won't be able to handle knowing that she is with another man.

Does anyone have any advice for this mixed up guy?

bmork,
...that's how exactly I feel about this divorce thing and my husband. My husband and I have been separated and my husband wants a divorce which I don't want to.

Divorce means you move on with your lives in different directions with new relationships. .

I totally think this is true.I'd thought about being "friends" after the divorce but I really can not see myself doing so. Thoughts of not being with him for rest of my life just hurts too much and I think only way to move on is erasing him from my heart. I know I'll have hard time doing so but I know one day I will..

I will then remove my love and emotions for her completely because if I don't I will not be able to carry on.
Thoughts of not being with him for rest of my life just hurts too much and I think only way to move on is erasing him from my heart. I know I'll have hard time doing so but I know one day I will.. If he does find another woman in the future I don't want to know about it. I don't think I can move on knowing that he's with someone else.

Divorce means you move on with your lives in different directions with new relationships. . I totally think this is true. People just have to move on.

When there are kids involved, you are always involved with the other parent (unless you abandon the kids). I have seen many broken marriages that heal into decent friendships that are very healthy and functional for the kids (even a couple in my own family). But that is after a lot of time and all the emotion has passed.