My husband of twenty years(we have three wonderful children)has decided he doesn't have what it takes to be in a committed relationship. He thinks it is too much work. He tends to procrastinate and now that the mountain is seeming so large to him, he doesn't think he can climb it and has decided it would be easier to walk away. I've tried to talk with him about meeting each other's needs and being the right person for each other but he says he knows all the right things to do but until he wants to it won't work. I have tried to live according to Ed Wheat's chapter "How to save your marriage all by yourself" but it hasn't worked. He left January 14 and it is now May 8. I pray daily that God will change his heart and help me to be as true to myself and loving to him as I can. Is there any hope? Some say tough love is right and others say I should be as wonderful as possible. I'm so confused. We are very compatible--we've just disconnected over the years because he prefers to avoid rather than deal with things and I'm too much of a peace maker. He says he loves me but not enough. What's my next move?

Kayo, I am sorry you are facing this. My heart goes out to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It is really hard to know what exactly you should do (tough love, be wonderful, etc.). Every situation is unique and I'm not sure that one way works for each situation.

But, yes, I do believe there is hope. With Christ, there is always hope, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Humanly speaking though, your husband is still single and the reasons for the divorce really are not very "serious"-- serious enough for him to want out, but not so serious that healing and repair can't take place.

You need to work on you. Don't focus on your husband's procrastination or lack of dealing with things. Be careful not to judge him for those things, but rather to just look at your own self and ask the Lord to help YOU to change. God can restore your husband's love for you.

God bless.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 08:40 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Kayo ,
You were given some excellent references by LoveMyEx . But have you also read the info provided on this site? In particular, do "Plan A" and "Plan B" seem like things you could do? Perhaps you've already been in "Plan A". If so, how long?

You mentioned Tough Love. Have you read that book by James Dobson? That should be (IMHO) the last step (after doing Plan A as described here) Plan A & B. It is helpful (if you have kids) that you be near a support system/family when doing Tough Love. Once you commit to it, you'll need assistance for everything from yardwork to shuttling the kids around to soccer games.

You also mentioned "meeting each other's needs". Did you look at the "Emotional Need" questionnaire available here at MB? Has your H seen it? How do you think he'd fill it out?

Without knowing more about your situation, it is difficult to provide more feedback. How old are your kids? Is there infidelity? What kind of lifestyle is he living now that you're separated? Have either of you seen a counselor, together or individually? If so, for how long?

Please respond and let us know a little more background, and keep us posted.

<small>[ May 09, 2004, 05:02 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Thanks for responding, avondale25. To answer your questions-we have three children, 18,16 and almost 13. There have been several EA's some that have crossed the line to the point where both parties stop because he is married. It was after I discovered the latest that he decided to leave because he keeps screwing up and I deserve better. I told him I deserve him to be better. He has said he will never go back to the way it was and I agreed. We need a new plan for success but he has to be willing to work at it and right now he says he can't. We have been to see a counsellor separately and I pray daily that it will be a successful time. I have grown spiritually through this hardship and our church has been amazing with their prayers for us. They are trying not to be judgemental and hoping that he will come to realize our relationship is worth the work. I trust God but in hard times it is so easy to get caught up in doubt. I believe God has a plan for us. I guess I just need to be patient. Some days that is easier than others.

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 12:56 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Thanks for pointing out how I am coming across. I by no means am placing blame only on my husband. I know full well that it takes two to tango. I believe I was using his words not mine when I referred to "screwing up". I don't see hinm as the bad gut, that's how he sees himself. I realize that our communication has suffered over the years. In previous counselling sessions he has said I am not at fault at all and he feels he just can't measure up. I have tried to share the responsibility but he doesn't want to let me. He says he has a problem committing and doesn't feel able to do this with anyone. I know that we both have things to work on and have no desire to change him. The only person I can change is me. That being said, I am very willing to work at this but he is not sure what he wants. He has also said he is a selfish person and doesn't want to change that. I think he has selfish moments but so do lots of people. He has many good qualities, otherwise I would want out even worse than he does. I have read the book by Harley and gone carefully through the needs. Going by that book, I should be the one having the affairs. If I talk to my husband about the needs he admits I have met his most of the time--he'll state that it is he who cannot meet mine. I'm so sorry he feels this way and have told him so. I also have told him I would like to go to counselling to see how our relationship can change because I think we have so much to offer each other and so much that is worth saving. I also think a counsellor could help us "hear" each other better. We need help. I guess by rule book I was referring to not knowing how to do this separation thing and getting different advice from every angle. I suppose I need to do what's right for me and filter the advice as it comes. I love my husband and see wonderful potential for us as a couple. I just hope that he will see it too.