I've been living with my Grandmother for 8 months.(wow has it been that long already)

I've been telling STBX for months that something needs to be done because I need to get out of here. It's not fair to me or grandma.

Well Grandma decided that it's not right for her to let me stay here because it is keeping me and STBX from being able to get back together.

She feels that if I can't stay here then I have to go back home where I should be.

I've already tried that and W wants no part of it. I can't just make her let me come home without causing who knows what kinds of problems.

I can't afford an appartment and a house. W hasn't worked in 10 years. Even if she could get a job, we would be lucky if her pay covered the daycare we would need.

Basically I have 2 places to go. for 1, I'd have to quit my job, lose my house, and move 1500 miles away. And the other place, I'm not wanted.

Anyone need a roomate?

WIWH

Hmm. How about you tell your wife that since you can't live at home and you can't live at grandma's you will be supporting your own residence. And therefore, you will no longer be supporting as much of her residence. In fact, you will deduct the amount of hte apartment from your contribution to her home. Period. (naturally, run this past your lawyer.)

I think it's time to do some scenario planning. What if... you did move 1500 miles away, got a new job and had the kids Christmas vacation and summer vacation entirely to yourself, plus one weekend a month. You two split the plane fares.

What if... you sold the house as fast as possible?

What if... you just stopped makeing the payments on the house? And started over in 7 years.

Thanks for listening GG and I've been going over all the "What Ifs" for a long time. I just need to pick one now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Hmm. How about you tell your wife that since you can't live at home and you can't live at grandma's you will be supporting your own residence. And therefore, you will no longer be supporting as much of her residence. In fact, you will deduct the amount of hte apartment from your contribution to her home. Period. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will be telling her something along these lines tonight. I'm going to start be telling her that I need to get out of Grandmas now, Not a year from now, and see what ideas she has. If she doesn't have anything constructive to contribute, I'm gonna put my options down on the table and tell her that one of them is going to start happening now!


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What if... you did move 1500 miles away, got a new job and had the kids Christmas vacation and summer vacation entirely to yourself, plus one weekend a month. You two split the plane fares.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if I can do this. I see my kids several times a week right now. I want to be around when DD calls and says "Can you make it to my softball game tonight?"

I also don't think it would be fare to them to take them from their home for such long times at once. They have friends and family here that the see alot.

Also, I don't think it would be long before those visits starting to diminish. Especialy when they hit the teens.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What if... you sold the house as fast as possible?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyone intersted ??

STBXW actually has an appointment with a realtor wednesday for a rough appraisal as per our mediator so it can be determined if it is worth it to sell or for STBXW to just stay there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What if... you just stopped makeing the payments on the house? And started over in 7 years. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what I see happening. Any of the above will cause it.

If I leave my job and move, W will not be able to pay the mortgage and will be out on the street with me.

If I get my own place and my own expenses, W will not be able to pay the mortgage and will be out on the street

If we don't sell our house and STBXW trys to keep it, she probably will not be able to pay the mortgage and will be out on the street

I wish I had time to sell the house and go our seperate ways, but I'm looking more for something by this weekend.

I wish I had the guts to just say "the heck with you, this is how you wanted it, I'm done bending over so you can have your life. It's time for me to have one too." but it is also the life of my kids!

I think she is just gonna have to start cutting corners to be able to pay the bills because if I had somewhere to go, I would have been there last night.

How long do I have to dissappear for so she can collect my life insurrance to help raise my kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />


WIWH

Um, you’d have to disappear forever if you didn’t want to go to jail for fraud. And insurance doesn’t pay if you kill yourself, so that’s out. Nope. No insurance money.

I’ll bet you anything you like that your wife would find money to keep the house pretty darn quick. She doesn’t want her kids on the street. And they wouldn’t be. They’d be living with you and she’d be on the street.

Oh, that’s another option. You move home with the kids and she finds a place to live until the house is sold.
I also think you need to get heavily involved with this realtor. You want to be there when the realtor is going through the house. The whole time. The idea is the realtor picks up on the fact that if he/she skews the numbers to favor your wife, you’ll be all over it and making a huge stink.

If you decide to sell the house, get heavily involved. Your wife will do all kinds of stuff to prevent it. She won’t clean. She’ll suggest it’s not a good school. Whatever. So either she has to want to sell it because she’s got to pay for it, or you’ll need to be there making sure everything is ready for sale.

I know it’s rough. And maybe it will turn out better than I expect. But, you can’t afford to take chances. There’s a cable show called “Sell this House.” Watch it for cheap ways to make your house sell fast. Luckily getting your own place will help. You’ll be moving some things out of the home in order to stock your place. That will create a feeling of space that buyers love.

WIWH, I don't know what to write. Just sending hugs and support.
Most individual life insurance policies cover suicide after a 2 year exclusion period.

While you'd like to cut off money to your wife, realistically, she'll get alot more of your paycheck than you will through pendente lite.
Be realistic inthe short term. Where can you go quickly that you can afford. Any friends with spare rooms to rent? Look closer to the city for more affordable places, but ones you typically wouldn't consider. You need a home base for your own sanity, as well as asafe place to take the kids.
Think positively, and work it out amicably with your wife.
GG is right about meetingwith the realtor too. It's your house and your equity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I’ll bet you anything you like that your wife would find money to keep the house pretty darn quick.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow GG thats a pretty open ended bet. I'll have to think about the stakes for a while before I take you up on it.

W and I spoke about this once. I told her that if she wants to keep the house, it would have to be in her name so when the bank takes it, it's not on my record.

She told me that she would never let that happen and if she thought it would she would be calling me for help.

So you see, if I'm the one she would go to for help, I have an upperhand on winning this bet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Not that I would screw her over just to win a bet, but If I'm the one that it making it so she has money problems, how could I help her with them.

You are right though. I'm sure she will find things to cut back on to be able to make ends meet just as I have.

WIWH

Hi there, well I don't know any of your story so I don't know what has caused any of this. I just wanted to say that in my case, I left 3 years ago. I want to fix things pretty badly now. But I always supported my family financially.

I lost my income recently, but the very last thing that I will reduce is my wifes payments. I think when you marry someone and have a family, your commitment is to them for life.

Gramae, WIWH’s wife asked him to leave. She was having an EA. He worked hard to stop the whole thing. She doesn’t work, and doesn’t plan to work. She wants to keep the house and everything while he can’t afford a place to live. However, he’s not allowed home. Up until just recently, he gave her his entire paycheck and she let him have an allowance. So unless you are recommending he live on nothing and have no place to have his children come visit him and nothing to feed them, I don’t see how he can keep up what he currently gives his wife.

Different situations are different. People are different. WIWH’s Giver has been out of control. LOL.

graeme,

I agree with you 100%. I don't want my W and kids to suffer and I do want to support W for the rest of her life but she wants to be independent on my paycheck.

Staying where I am now was a temporary solution until W and I sold our house.(afew months turned to 8 with no progress)

W has made no effort to move foward in anything for me to have an extra nickle in my pocket to put toward my own place and the temporay solution has worn itself out.


She just dosn't seem to understand that we will not be able to live apart as easy as she thinks. Unfortunately, after making it as easy as I have been able to, I am being forced to show her how hard it is realy going to be.

You see, I don't make payments to my W. She gives me an allowance out of my pay so I can afford to get back and forth to work.

Newly,

The life insurance thing was a joke(I think you may have known that but I just need to make sure)

But a chunk of money like that would make so many problems go away right now.

I am looking for something as cheep as I can just so I have a place to go but anything that I put out right now comes directly from her pocket.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to meet with the realtor. I just found out about it the other day and don't have enough notice to take off work.

Maybe I'll call in sick!

WIWH

GG thanks,

We must have been typing the same thing at the same time
Boy when you describe my situation it makes me wonder why I put up with it for so long. You take off all the icing that I use to cover basic facts
WIWH

<small>[ May 10, 2004, 01:35 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

GG,

As I said I didn't know your situation at the time - didn't mean to imply anything!

Sounds like you've been more than reasonable!

Graeme

graeme,

Either way, I still agree with you. If my commitment wasnt't for life, I wouldn't have asked W to marry me and I wouldn't have decided to have kids.

These are things that I was brought up to believe are one time decisions and you don't turn back.

WIWH

wish i knew what to say or what to suggest but i don't, just sending my support and prayers.

I know it's a drive, but you may be able to sub-let from some Wharton students. That's what my sister is doing for the summer.

Or what about Princeton grad students? It's a short-term solution, but you may find something that way.

Also, if you are at all handy around the house, like can mow grass, look for part-time caretaker positions with room included. That fact that you speak English is a huge bonus.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That fact that you speak English is a huge bonus.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it's amazing that I can still laugh when my life is falling apart.

The funny thing is that I'm more worried about telling STBX that Grandma doesn't even want me living with her either

I'm 35 years old, I hate my job, I drive a station wagon(which I may live in soon).

I'm being kicked out of my grandmothers house after 8 months with no where to go but back to my W that doesn't want me.

Yeah, I'm ready to date again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> What a catch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok I make it sound a little worse than it is but that would make one heck of a profile on a dating service wouldn't it?


And GG, there is a big what if that I didn't mention before. Something that I've been considering for a long time.

What if I get a 9-5 job in an office somewhere away from NYC so I don't have to comute so much and I can live near by where living expenses are lower than what I have here in NJ.

Been looking to get myself back to PA but need to find a decent job out there first.


WIWH

WIWH - sorry meant to address the last one to you!

Understand what Grandma is thinking but surely she wont have you out in the street? Other than that I think you're gonna have to find somewhere reasonable then tell her that you are spending as little as possible so you need to sit down and work out how to limit the damage to your family.

Graeme

graeme

You don't know my grandmother. She'll throw me out knowing that I have nowhere else to go but home. She is convinced that I need to be there and everything will work out fine.

I'll see what happens when I tell STBXW tonight. Although she will probably think that I'm making things up so I can move back home.

WIWH

I'm struggling to understand this, WIWH, and I'm failing. If you don't have a restraining order against you, it appears to me that the situation is simple: move back home.

Frankly, I disagree with Graeme that you have been "more than reasonable." I don't think you have been reasonable at all. And while I think I understand why you made the choices you made, they have only enabled your wife's irresponsibility and illusions.

You have ironclad reasons for moving back. If your wife doesn't like it, she needs to take responsibility for her choices and live with the consequences.

WIWH,

I understand that. Guess all I can do is wish you the best tonight....

Graeme

WIWH,

I understand that. Guess all I can do is wish you the best tonight....

Graeme