I also posted this on GQII.

Let me preface this email/scenario by saying that I will be divorced 2 years this August.
I haven't spoken to my FMIL in 2 years (since I asked XH to file in June 02). We were VERY close. Our contacted was limited to an occasional email or two every six months or so. I sent xmas cards - a nice little note now and then via email. Her current H came and picked up some of my XH's crap that he left behind.

I also need to say that she has LOTS of ISSUES. So some things you will read look strange on my part. Just understand that control was always a big thing in my XH's family even if it was passive.

My FMIL is also a martyr and DRAMA QUEEN. If she could take credit for everything good her children have accomplished - she would. Any wrong they have done never has anything to do with how she raised them, etc.

So, as you are about to read this (and I'll post my reply to her later) don't take everything you read literally - or as the truth for that matter.

Her son was a MESS. And, she wants someone to BLAME. My storyline is under the topic "llama chronicles" if you care to see anything from the past.

Here's a little timeline leading up to THE EMAIL:

2/6/04
She replies to a "hi how are you" email from me. She mentions thinking it's weird we haven't "bumped into each other"

(a close friend of the family died that week and I (llama) emailed her a "thanks for the email, I'll write more later)

2/18/04
I reply saying it's been a while since we've actually spoke and even longer since we've seen each other. I suggest maybe email would be a good vehicle to get re-aquainted for now.

She replies to me and says "It sounds as if you are not really ready for a "live encounter." You know where I am and that things are well. Let's just determine to reassure each other of that now and then, and let time take its course for a while."

2/19/04
I wrote her back defining my email a bit (preface: she ALWAYS has an answer like this and puts it back on me). I say if she has rules like no talk about the M or XH or what he's doing now, then fine. I simply wanted to know what the rules were prior to meeting.

SHE NEVER REPLIED

3/17/04
I email her and say that it seems she doesn't want to "re-connect." I also said that if and when we ever were to bump into each other, I would always greet her with a hug and a smile.

DRUM ROLE PLEASE.....BUM BUM BUM BUM

3/18/04 Email from FMIL

My mother died Tuesday morning. I just came from the visitation in xxxxxx. Take anything any way you want. I thought your last e-mail
was inflammatory and sounded as if you were trying to pick a fight. You got me on a bad day this time, so I'll answer you.

As I recall (correct me if I'm wrong) we had a conversation in which you said you were sorry for the parts of the failure of the marriage that
were your fault and you would like a chance to work on them. Wanting you both
to be happy (and to stay married), I made the case to XH (her son) that he try some
more because you seemed sincerely dedicated to working on the problems,
andI knew he was, too.

Next thing I heard from XH, you wanted a divorce. You didn't call me to
say you'd changed your mind (I would have understood, too). I was left hanging on the limb I'd crawled out on to try to help you get what you wanted. Here's a quote from your last e-mail: "We were very close -
like a mother and daughter."

So I got blind-sided by you about your
preferences and intentions.
You had to do what your heart told you was right. I was hurt and disappointed, but like you said, I had been through a similar situation
(although I gave it 8 years, and a two-year separation before we committed
to divorce). In my mind, you quit on the marriage very quickly, but that
was your decision to make. I just thought you should have told me that yourself instead of letting me hear it from XH.

Because of the way you did that, I felt a little less mother/daughter connection on your part than I had prior to that.

Then, very hurt and emotionally unsettled, XH asked me not to talk to you
because he had been burned in the "triangulation" of my telling him you
wanted to try to work things out, and then your telling him you wanted a divorce. I could see why he wanted to put a stop to that. I felt
rejected by you and yes, actually, betrayed. But still, when you made continued
efforts to communicate I felt really torn by my desire to reconnect with
you and my promise to XH to avoid getting into the triangle of "Llama
said.../XH said..." I wanted honest relationships with both of you, but
I couldn't work it out.

Next thing that comes in the mail - an annulment. How can you annul that
marriage? What grounds did you use? I have a lot of Catholic education
and theological training. I know the grounds for annulment. XH may have had some. As far as I could see, you didn't. You can quit the
marriage -say it didn't work out. Say XH let you down, cheated on you,
whatever. But if you decide to divorce rather than trying to work through the problems, I think you have to accept your situation as a divorced woman. You annulled that marriage before I had even paid off the bills we
incurred in support of the marriage!

That, I believe, deserved at least a letter of explanation. To my mind, we
were certainly not involved in a mother/daughter relationship any more.
I had been annulled! Never happened. Slate wiped clean. Except for my hopes
and dreams for you - Boyds Bears, Llamas, Christmas ornaments, Waterford
champagne flutes, anticipating the arrival of little Zachary and Lindsey. (names of our children - IF we had them.)

Next letter I get from you says: "I was very hurt, however, when you shut yourself off completely from me. I thought we were close enough that you would have sent me a letter or something. That hurt." You know what I
sayto you about that? Back -atcha!

Next paragraph from you: "I'm sorry for any hurt or pain I have caused you. I had thought that you of all people would have been more
understanding of my situation - you had been through similar pain in your
own separation and divorce from FFIL (jerk of the century). If anyone could relate to the
pain, frustration and agony that I endured - it would have been you. Yet, as
close as we were, you shut the door completely."

I never shut the door completely. I bent my commitment to XH every way I
could and still feel okay about my own integrity. I encouraged H (her husband) to
stay in touch with you so you would know what was going on, and I looked
forward to running into you somewhere in public. Even commented that I was
surprised we hadn't run into each other (pushing the XH-envelope even
further because I really missed you). Instead of your saying somethinglike, "I think I'll be at Einstein's Bagels on Saturday at 2" so we
could "run into" each other, I got back a challenge about what if anything
would be off limits. It sounded like you were trying to pick a fight before I ever got there.

You are a lovely and charming young woman with a large social circle. If
you don't just want to talk to me for me, go talk to someone else. If you
want to talk to ME, appreciate that you dished out every bit as much hurt and rejection as you have been subjected to, and I am willing to wipe the slate clean and "reconnect" with you, as long as I am not asked to
compromise my relationship with XH. You KNEW my relationship with
XH when you started dating him. It has not changed. I don't love him on
the condition that he is perfect. I love him - period.

Your final comment was: "Let me make this very clear, so I don't appear to
sound too selfish. I know you were there for XH and that was your priority at the time. I'm not saying you should have focused your
attention on me. But, a letter, a phone call, a lunch or dinner - something - it
wasn't too much to ask."

Sorry. Yes it was. I promised XH not to
interact with you, and a letter, phone call, lunch or dinner was too much
to ask. I was able to rationalize that an occasional brief e-mail response
to your communication was not too much, but direct communication in a
social situation was NOT okay. I told you I promised XH I wouldn't
interact you with you. How could you get yourself worked into a place
where you felt I had slighted you by keeping my word to my son. We weren't
as close as you thought if you didn't know me better than that.

"I'm secure enough of a person now to say these things to you without having to worry about some kind of punishment. I'm very willing to work on mending our relationship, are you?" - some kind of "punishment"?????????

What is that about? Know what I think? You punished me. I bought every
issue of your WONDERFUL magazine, and I missed being asked to edit.
You do a beautiful job. The black and white movie piece was fabulous. The
most recent issue is national quality. I really missed not being able to
continue the working relationship, and it would have been a doorway to the
rest of the interaction you say you wanted.

YOU dumped ME, Llama. And
I felt it. But I understood.
Do you think I didn't want to send you every picture of (her daughter's baby)? I loved you, just like you thought. But instead of
trying to understand the unusual and difficult position I was in between you
and XH, you chose to play "poor me."

Like I said inthe beginning, you caught me on a pretty "raw" night. If you
want to discuss or debate or comment further on the issues I raised above,
you know where I am. Otherwise, I'll accept your "good-bye" until or if
you ever feel differently. Going to bed now. Funeral is early tomorrow
morning.

Llama - your FMIL doesn't understand annulments, but I don't know how you can explain it to her. If XH had an affair 2 years after wedding, it's obvious he did not make valid vows, whatever the detailed grounds. And with a short marriage, no kids, better to end it immediately.

The other stuff in her email sounds pretty normal. It's hard for her to be in the middle, even harder to get involved. Plus in your other post, you are developing another relationship. Again, there are no kids. I think you should not expect, nor try, to maintain a relationship with FMIL.

I don't think that any mother can easily see the faults of their son. My XMIL totally dropped out of my life too.
Only recently did I call her directly to ask her to care for the girls when X would not - she wasn't able but was polite. And to ask her to spend more one-on-one time with OD - which she did.
I don't think my XMIL can see that she's continuing to enable her son, and that he's not the parent she believes him to be. She is a good grandparent to my daughters and I truly appreciate that.

It's alot different when children are involved.

3/17/04 - I also said that if and when we ever were to bump into each other, I would always greet her with a hug and a smile.

DRUM ROLE PLEASE.....BUM BUM BUM BUM

3/18/04 Email from FMIL

My mother died Tuesday morning. I just came from the visitation in xxxxxx. Take anything any way you want. I thought your last e-mail
was inflammatory and sounded as if you were trying to pick a fight.
I also think it's a bit like you are looking to "start" something.
You could have left off, "it seems she doesn't want to "re-connect."
You could have simply said, "it's been a while since I've heard from you."

Tmmx - thanks for your reply. I did reply to her and she apologized for her harshness and being so judgemental. I explained as best I could about the annulment scenario. It didn't happen overnight and it was alot of painful work on my end. Who knows if she gets it. She leads a pretty agnostic life now.

Newly - your reply really hits the nail on the head. No mother wants to see fault in their children. The one thing that really surprised me was how she took everything so personally like she was married to us too. This was always an issue in our marriage. My XH told his mom just about everything good and bad in our relationship. Yet, he seemed to leave out the part of the OW and the secret affair. I'm so thankful we don't have children.

Chris CA - thanks too for your post. It may seem that way. There is alot of history between the FMIL and I. I was a bit peeved and it definitely showed in that email. But at the same time, I was a bit tired of her playing games with me and I was standing up for myself. Something I never did in the past. It's her nature to always attempt to look like the peacemaker or counselor, when in fact her life/marriage, etc. is nothing to look up to. I basically played the "sh&t or get off the pot" card with her. I don't think, however I deserved the nasty response. Everyone hurts though and it's obvious to me that she is still hurting over stuff.

I'll post my response soon.

Dear FMIL,
I am very sorry to hear about your mom. I'm going torespond to your email and you can read it whenever thetime is right for you.
Llama

I am going to preface this note by saying that there are MANY things you DO NOT know about me and XHsrelationship and the turning point for me. It is NO ONE'S fault that you don't know these things -children do not tell their parents everything. And I can assure you that whatever story XH painted about
our relationship is only his side.

I'm also going to say that I am NOT a mind reader. I have been trying to connect with you for a long time.One day you tell me in an email "I'm not angry withyou!" Who is being the honest one here? You are definitely still hurting over this stuff and have painted a VERY different picture about how you felt
about me.

I'm going to try an address each point that you
mention in your letter to me:

I'm sorry you feel my email was inflammatory. I was hurt by your response. You made an assumption that I "wasn't ready" to meet based on me asking about what
topics were "off limits". I thought it was a fair
question to ask. After I read your email, I thought to myself "why all of a sudden does she want to have a meet and greet?" I thought it was strange. In all of this time, the only time I ever heard from you was when you replied to me - which was maybe 1/4th of the
time. I'm sorry if it appeared as picking a fight - it was not my intent.


> As I recall (correct me if I'm wrong) we had a
> conversation in which you
> said you were sorry for the parts of the failure of
> the marriage that were
> your fault and you would like a chance to work on
> them.

We had MANY conversations like this. Most of which were by instant messenger - of which I have every single conversation. XH and I had many of the same
conversations too.

Wanting you both
> to be happy (and to stay married), I made the case
> to XH that he try some
> more because you seemed sincerely dedicated to
> working on the problems, and
> I knew he was, too.

I have a hard time believing this one - it could not have been after his second trip to OW's city. Because my mind was pretty made up prior to him leaving again. If you sincerely believe that XH was dedicated to
working on our problems, you are definitely living in a dream world. My old wounds are healed now and you have NO idea what really went on behind closed doors.
You have NO idea how many times he was going to "talk to therapist" or "talk to priest" or "let's go to dinner." I have heard it all over and over and over again. His emails of promises to pay 1/2 of joint bills, him using my charge in OW's city for dinner and the down payment of his rolex. XH did and still does
whatever HE wants whenever HE wants it. He still livesthat way I'm sure.

Everyone has
always bailed him out of every problem he got himself into. He rarely ever got out of it himself. He didn't even spend his own money on my engagement ring - he
got some from XXXX (his dad) and xxxx (his grandmother). It was certain that no
matter what - XH always had the best of everything -be it palm pilot, computer, etc. You have NO idea how much of our money he spent on crap. You have NO idea how many promises were made that were never kept. You just have NO idea of everything.

Please don't make assumptions.

I understand that you love him - he's your son. That's what mothers do. I never doubted that. I valued that and I honored that.

XH was not honest with me. He lied his pants off about LOTS of things. Many of which have surfaced after our separation and divorce. Important things - nothing to do with his emotional/physical and
completely inappropriate affair with OW. Everything to do with his credibility as a person.

> Next thing I heard from XH, you wanted a divorce.

It wasn't immediate. I'm sure you would hear it that way from XH. Do you know that he held filing for divorce over my head during our separation? Do you know he sneakily started asking about my living intentions right after we separated? (he had begun
talking to a lawyer VERY prematurely in my opinion, yet you tell me that I gave up so quickly.)

For the record, I had been struggling with alot of things. His 2nd trip to OW's pretty much said alot to me. And for how he treated me during that time -wavering back and forth. Saying "we might as well get divorced," etc.

I found a letter dated almost a year prior that I had wrote to XH - that addressed our problems, mine and his. It was an eye opener for me. I called XH and
asked if had time to talk. I told him about the letterand told him to go ahead and file. You need to know that. I'm sure he was hurt, maybe he felt like a failure. But, you know what? He was RELIEVED. He
JUMPED right into filing those papers without evenlooking back. He acted like he did all of this work. Yeah - he didn't. He called me from the lawyer's office asking me about our debts, account numbers, bank acct's, etc. He did NOTHING to prepare any of the
paperwork for the divorce. Which he loved to rub in my face - that he did everything and gave me everything. Of which I asked for nothing.


> You didn't call me to
> say you'd changed your mind (I would have
> understood, too).

FMIL, you know that we were close, but there was WAY too much of a triangle going on. This was between me and XH. I didn't ask you to talk to him. You were a
big influence in his life - I always admired that.
But, not everything that was between he and I was your business.

Again, I'm going to go with the mind reader analogy -I didn't know what you were thinking.

I'm sorry that you felt that way. I wish you would
have told me alot of this stuff a long time ago. You gave me the impression from your emails that "we were okay."

Here's a quote from your last e-mail: "We
> were very close - like a
> mother and daughter." So I got blind-sided by you
> about your preferences
> and intentions.

I've apologized to you many times. I'm sorry you felt that way. Again, I didn't know any of this until now.

In my mind, you quit on the marriage
> very quickly, but that
> was your decision to make.

I'm sure you would see it that way. In my mind, XH quit on our relationship. What we had was never really a true marriage.

I just thought you
> should have told me that
> yourself instead of letting me hear it from XH.
>

Again, the triangle thing. These are the things you should hear from XH, not me.

> Because of the way you did that, I felt a little
> less mother/daughter
> connection on your part than I had prior to that.
>

I wish you would have told me this stuff a long timeago. Again, you led me to believe that we were ok.

> Then, very hurt and emotionally unsettled, XH
> asked me not to talk to you
> because he had been burned in the "triangulation" of
> my telling him you
> wanted to try to work things out, and then your
> telling him you wanted a
> divorce.

You telling XH that I wanted to work things out
weren't words that he hadn't already heard from me, on the phone, in person, in emails and on instant messenger. I have every email, letter and IM from 4/10/02 to now from XH, you, FMIL's H, XH's sister and
whoever else contacted me around our separation and divorce. You may remember things a certain way, but I have a diary that I kept and know what was happening
and when.

XH even asked me why I was putting up with him and his behavior so long.

I have absolutely NO reason to lie to you about
anything. Never have. Never will.

This is why I talked to him directly and not put you in the middle of anything anymore.

I felt rejected
> by you and yes, actually, betrayed.

I too felt very betrayed and rejected by you. You had said yourself, no matter what happened, you would always be my friend. I felt very betrayed when you went to actually meet the woman who XH had been
screwing around with online. The woman he trashed his own wife too. Talk about feeling rejected. XH is the
man around town toting around his internet girlfriend to some of "our" friends. There is just something VERY wrong with that picture.

I was always honest with you FMIL. I was always honest with XH. It took intense soul searching and therapy for me to get where I am right now. I never asked you
to betray XH's confidence. I understood that.

I'm sure it was very difficult for you. That's why I
didn't write as often, I felt that you dismissed me. But, then you said that wasn't the case.

>
> Next thing that comes in the mail - an annulment.

This was something that I discussed in detail with XH. Again, I have it all in writing. He asked for Fr. 's phone number and I gave it to him. I
discussed in great length with Fr. and others
regarding our marriage or lack there of. The annulment didn't all of a sudden come. The actual "annulment declaration" just happened last month.

> How can you annul that
> marriage? What grounds did you use?

I, Llama, didn't personally annul anything. It was along and quite painful process.

It's not about Me vs. XH- it's about delving deep into our marriage and prior to our marriage. XH had
plenty of grounds. All of which were a significant part of the annulment. If you think I was all one-sided, I was not. I had no reason to lie or exagerate anything.

>As far as I could see, you didn't have grounds.

Well, you are wrong FMIL. Period. You weren't married to your son, I was. You have alot of nerve telling me what you think our grounds were. XH is free and clear to marry whoever he wants without question in the future. I didn't annul XH or you for that
matter. The marriage, however, was annuled.


You
> can quit the marriage -
> say it didn't work out. Say XH let you down,
> cheated on you, whatever.

You know in all of this - I never went off on XH to my family, friends, whatever. I remained as civil to people on the outside. You can say I quit the marriage. I can say you quit yours. I can say XH quit ours too. Your husband can say that I should be friends
with OW....We can all say whatever we want. We can all continue to hurt each other. I wasn't going to go there. You opened that door.

> But if you decide to divorce rather than trying to
> work through the
> problems, I think you have to accept your situation
> as a divorced woman.

I am still a divorced woman. And if I choose to marry again in the Catholic church I can. Believe me, after all of this, I will take every bit of the sacrament of marriage seriously - something XH NOR I did. We
didn't have a real marriage FMIL. Are you going to deny that? We were friends who lived as roommates. We were
not emotionally connected. We didn't have S- long before we even walked down the aisle. We should have never gotten married, but we did.

You are also saying the word "YOU" (meaning me) alot here. There were two people in this marriage. I'm sure you haven't been as "raw" with your own son.

> You annulled that marriage before I had even paid
> off the bills we incurred
> in support of the marriage!

What does this mean? What are you trying to say here? Ouch! You were always good at throwing that back at both XH and I. Something my parents have never done.


It's my fault that you still have expenses from our wedding? Well, boo hoo, so do I. I'm still paying off debt from XH. I'm still cleaning up all his crap he left in the house for me to clean up after him. Finding things he kept secret from me - complete BS.

>
> That, I believe, deserved at least a letter of
> explanation.

Again, FMIL, this was not news to XH. It's obvious to me that came as a surprise to you. I'm sorry for that. I thought XH told you everything.

To my mind, we
> were certainly not involved in a mother/daughter
> relationship any more. I
> had been annulled! Never happened. Slate wiped
> clean.

A little dramatic here FMIL. An annulment doesn't say the marriage didn't exist. It just didn't exist in the eyes of the church - there was no real acceptance of the sacrament of marriage. Anyone who knew us
- especially you - should understand that.

Except for my hopes
> and dreams for you - Boyds Bears, Llamas, Christmas
> ornaments, Waterford
> champagne flutes,

I think about those things too.

anticipating the arrival of little
> Zachary and Lindsey.

I thought about that too, FMIL. I went off the pill.
Starting taking vitamins - folic acid. Got a rubellavaccination, etc. And, even, thought I wasre-connecting with my husband. Little did I know, it was all a big lie.

XH even later told me that he thought having a child would make us better. Thank God, we didn't have any children.

>
> Next paragraph from you: "I'm sorry for any hurt or
> pain I have caused
> you. I had thought that you of all people would have
> been more
> understanding of my situation - you had been through
> similar pain in your
> own separation and divorce from XH's DAD. If anyone
> could relate to the pain,
> frustration and agony that I endured - it would have
> been you. Yet, as
> close as we were, you shut the door completely."
>
> I never shut the door completely. I bent my
> commitment to XH every way I
> could and still feel okay about my own integrity.

I always appreciated that. A letter would not have been too much. It's obvious from this letter, that you have experienced your own pain. I always felt that you were hiding that from me. It's very unfortunate that
this is the way I find out how you really felt. And
you say you wanted an honest relationship with me? Doesn't seem like you have been very honest with yourself or me.

Instead of
> your saying something
> like, "I think I'll be at Einstein's Bagels on
> Saturday at 2" so we could
> "run into" each other, I got back a challenge about
> what if anything would
> be off limits. It sounded like you were trying to
> pick a fight before I
> ever got there.

I wasn't trying to pick a fight. You're wanting to
meet "all of a sudden" seemed really strange to me. I wanted to know what the rules were. I'm very comfortable with the fact that XH could be with OW or whoever, living in OW's city. He
did what he had to do for him. I respect that. He lives by his father's motto - "when in doubt, getout!" While I'm here still cleaning up after him. I could have thrown crap of his out, especially after he threatened me, but I didn't. Again, I was the civil one.

>
> You are a lovely and charming young woman with a
> large social circle. If
> you don't just want to talk to me for me, go talk to
> someone else.

I'm not sure what you are saying here. Why do you think I have been the one keeping in touch. Why do you think that I still send you an x-mas card? Oh - it must be because I DON'T want to talk to you - that
makes ALOT of sense.

If you
> want to talk to ME, appreciate that you dished out
> every bit as much hurt
> and rejection as you have been subjected to,

FMIL - do you really think I intentionally hurt you? Please. I didn't think you intentionally hurt me, until you sent this email - raw is putting it verylightly.

and I
> am willing to wipe the
> slate clean and "reconnect" with you,

I'll have to really think about that one. Pretend that none of this has happened? We need to heal our relationship first. It would be really easy to just wipe everything clean and start fresh wouldn't it? I just don't think from the sounds of this email that
you are really ready or willing to do that.

as long as I
> am not asked to
> compromise my relationship with XH.

That's all you ever had to say when I asked what the
"rules" were. Does this mean I can't ask about him?
Define compromise - what is really compromising the
relationship?

You KNEW my
> relationship with XH
> when you started dating him. It has not changed. I
> don't love him on the
> condition that he is perfect. I love him - period.

I've always known this. I also know that you don't know everything about him or us. So, I'd appreciate you not making these incredible assumptions about my
intent to hurt you as I have.

I told you I
> promised XH I wouldn't
> interact you with you. How could you get yourself
> worked into a place
> where you felt I had slighted you by keeping my word
> to my son. We weren't
> as close as you thought if you didn't know me better
> than that.

So why now all of a sudden is it okay to "bump into each other?" You are the one sending very mixed messages here. Sounds like you don't know what you
want.

>
> "I'm secure enough of a person now to say these
> things to you without
> having to worry about some kind of punishment. I'm
> very willing to work on
> mending our relationship, are you?" - some kind of
> "punishment"?????????
> What is that about? Know what I think? You
> punished me.

Maybe I made a poor choice when I used the word "punishment," but your email says it all.

I punished you? Hello? We weren't married FMIL - XH and I were. We weren't married to you - you are a parent.

I wonder about alot of things - your relationship with
XH's sister. When you think of Boyds bears and Waterford
crystal, do you think of all the time I spent helping to mend your estranged relationship with your daughter? Do you ever think about how much I always
would take XHs side when you were pissed at him and telling me about it? It's funny how you only see the worst in me now. Again, another "FAMILY" thing. Llama is the bad guy.

I bought every
> issue of your WONDERFUL magazine, and I missed
> being asked to edit.

You are contradicting what you said earlier. Now, please make yourself clear - you expected me to call you about editing the magazine? That doesn't make any
sense at all. AGain, mixed messages. That would have been ok with XH? hmmmmm. Something is just not right
here.

You
> do a beautiful job. The black and white movie piece
> was fabulous. The
> most recent issue is national quality.

Thank you. I have worked really hard to make it what it is today. I always offered to mail you one and you would never respond.

I really
> missed not being able to
> continue the working relationship, and it would have
> been a doorway to the
> rest of the interaction you say you wanted. YOU
> dumped ME, Llama. And I
> felt it. But I understood.

I'm sorry you feel that way. Anyone could look at what I've done to try to stay in touch with you and your H and see it a different way FMIL. And you wouldn't have felt dumped had I told you that I wanted to end the marriage before I told my own husband? That just doesn't make any sense to me.

>>I loved you, just like you thought. But instead of
trying
to understand the unusual and difficult position I was
in between you
and
XH, you chose to play "poor me."

It seems that you are the one playing "poor me" FMIL. I
only asked a few questions and told you what I was
feeling - and you "blasted" me for it. Why would I
feel safe in telling you anything?

>>Like I said inthe beginning, you caught me on a
pretty "raw" night. If
you want to discuss or debate or comment further on
the issues I raised
above, you know where I am. Otherwise, I'll accept
your "good-bye" until or
if
you ever feel differently.

Why is it always up to me? You are the one who hasn't said anything up until now FMIL. What do you really want?

Just a year ago on March 17th - I received this from you:

Llama, I am not angry with you. XH has requested that we not interact at
least for the present time, and I am respecting that. He will eventually be
able to put the whole experience behind him and the idea that you and I are
friends will not threaten or antagonize him. I miss you and think of you
often, but I am going to respect XH's wishes. I
hope that when the
situation mellows out a little, you will still
remember me and we can
move
forward.
Love,
FMIL

That was in response to my email to you where I apologized for hurting you in any way. It seems that you are still bitter about our divorce. I think you
blame me in part for XH not living here
anymore.

It also doesn't seem that you are the forgiving person I thought you were. Yet, you say you're willing to wipe the slate clean? I just don't get what you really mean. You seem all over the board here.

I hope you find and get what you want with your life FMIL. And, if you want to keep in touch with me, it's up to you. I have no hard feelings here - we're all people and we all hurt. I'm sorry that you are full of all this old hurt and I hope that you can let it heal some.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by llama:
I'm sorry that you are full of all this old hurt and I hope that you can let it heal some.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What about you?

Sorry, somehow it doesn&#8217;t look to me you wrote to re-connect/be close to her again, but&#8230; clarify some old issues, justify your doings&#8230; ? Send some 'hidden message' to your X?
Also, your initial letter seems to me like calling for discussion(quarrel) not re-connection&#8230;

You have no kids with XH and no REAL connection with his family after annulment&#8230; why insisting on re-connecting??


See, I&#8217;ve got a son&#8230; He will do many things in his life and choices will be totally his&#8230; and some of them I&#8217;m sure I&#8217;ll not approve or be happy with&#8230; all of them I&#8217;m sure (know myself;-)) I&#8217;ll SEE, but it won&#8217;t diminish my love!!&#8230; anyway - I&#8217;ll never stop loving him and caring for him, UNCONDITIONALLY, and will always be his main support (who else will ever be and forever??, i.e. if he's lucky to meet someone who will feel the same, super!, he'll have All times Two :-))&#8230; and if I HAVE TO choose, OF COURSE I&#8217;ll be on HIS side, not on anyone else&#8217;s!

(I was BS and it hurts that X&#8217;s family will accept OW (if he continues with her)&#8230; as they accepted me many years ago. But you know what? What else could they do??? Condemn him for cheating on me and listen to my words not his, and not accept his life is moving on&#8230;??)

Life is going on, with all kind of changes&#8230;
Love for our children is never going to be changed&#8230;
As you will see once you are a mom ;-)


If you want 'just' re-connection - don't write about old days or your X and respect her the way she is.....

BTN -

Thanks for your comment. Just to clarify, my FMIL brought up re-connecting originally after some time. I suggested email as a good vehicle initially. I have no desire to reconnect with her now.

It's easy to draw conclusions based on what I have posted here. Obviously, there is more to it than that.

The old stuff was actually brought up by her and this longer email was me addressing each issue she brought up.

Old me = doormat (everyone can say whatever they wanted and I would just take it and not stand up for myself)

New me = not taking stuff sitting down anymore

I always admired her love for her son.

I just posted this because "old hurt" stuff will continue to creep up on us no matter how healthy we feel.

I appreciate everyone's comments. Thank you.

I totally agree that you should NOT continue in a relationship with your FMIL. Sure, if you happen to see her in public, being courteous is optimal.. even your initial desire to receive her with a hug and kiss would be wonderful!

Reading your emails with your FMIL really got me to realizing that I need to let my stbxIL's go. They too have hurt me so much throughout my whole D ordeal. I have taken actions against their son, and they too, have taken them personally.

Just like in your last email to your FMIL, I let out my frustrations to my stbxIL's a few months back, over the phone. It was a tremendous relief to come right out and tell them that they hurt me more than words can express, when they stopped calling to see how the boys and I were doing once I left their son. I felt used and abused.... not good enough for them, b/c I wouldn't take their son's crap anymore! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I even went so far as to ask them if they would join me in counselling or mediation so that I could get over MY anger... all in the best interest of the boys (now aged 3, 3, and 4), so that there would be limited friction between us, and their relationship with their grandchildren could be more frequent. stbxMIL's answer to me was, "We've already done OUR counselling". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Thank you for sharing your emails llama. Although it has stirred up my hurt again, it has also helped me to stand firm in that I cannot "re-connect" with my IL's either. It's just not possible...at least not at this time (that's the forever optimist in me. LOL).

It's all just another painful reminder of the "ripple effect" from the selfishness of A's. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Karen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by llama:
It's easy to draw conclusions based on what I have posted here. Obviously, there is more to it than that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's easy to misinterpret <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and of course there is more to it than that...

My point is - why? It can just hurt you... yes, you can heal but always your (annuled) M with her son will be between two of you... your words won't have old pure meaning but (sub)consciously with 'hidden messages'... cause, her son will know what you talked about... directly from her or 'reading between (her) lines'...
I don't think it could be honest relationship either... not if you were so much hurt (and she too)...

You are lucky you don't HAVE TO deal with them anymore if you are not happy doing so!

I liked my X's family a lot and am aware it'll never be the same...
Yes, I send cards and talk on the phone (for my son's healthy upbringing sake!), and they always avoid things I'd love to know...

I sent one message to X's sister trying similar what you tried (she invited me for the weekend to her place, with X and our son and I explained why (reasons) I don't feel comfortable - for the time being at least... btw. OW is her good friend!!) and, she ignored... yes, she answered but skipped totally that part... meaning no conversation re: that "topic"... and I'll never do that again... from now on, it'd be just if related to my son...


How your present bf see this relationship (if 're-connected'?

Topie!
Great to hear from you! I'll post something separate for you. I remember your posts from way back when - he he.

BTN -
Thanks for your post too. I'm so thankful for your insight. I also want to make myself clear that I do NOT wish to reconnect with my FMIL. An occasional email was fine with me - the whole "catching up in person" was weird for me. I have a wonderful bf and he's aware of everything. My life is so full of wonderful stuff now.

Will write more later. At work.

I'm also going to say that I am NOT a mind reader. I have been trying to connect with you for a long time.One day you tell me in an email "I'm not angry withyou!" Who is being the honest one here? You are definitely still hurting over this stuff and have painted a VERY different picture about how you felt about me.
May I sugest you do NOT respong this way?
Simply tell her you are sorry for the misunderstanding.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Don't get defensive (and this reply is defensive).
Be the bigger person EVEN if she is the one at fault. This is a good time to practice using MB principles with someone who matters. (people here sometimes get peeved because some posters will "love bust" to them in a post?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />