I am so angry that this is happening. It is not what I ultimately want but my STBX seems to think our M cannot be repaired. I don't want to live in limbo and have made the final decision to end it for good but I just can't help saying or emailing mean things to him. I am so angry and hurt by what he has done. We have a 3 y/o son and an 11 month old daughter. I feel so sad for them. And I know I need to get along for them. We are going to mediation to agree on things then I will file for D once that is done. I am surrounding myself with Christians and just trying to be a better person but my STBX is judging saying that how come I'm even going to church when I act the way I do to him. I tried to tell him how hurt and angry I am about all this but I don't know how to stop being that way towards him. Help!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I tried to tell him how hurt and angry I am about all this but I don't know how to stop being that way towards him. Help!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The best way is to stop trying to explain yourself to him.

Limit your contact with him to items pertaining to children and mediation.

If something comes up that can make you angry. Cut it off. Let him know that you do not want to discuss it.

STBXW and I agreed a long time ago that we would do our best to keep all R related conversations in MC or Mediators office. It has helped us to keep from getting upset with eachother.

WIWH

That sounds like good advice. If I can stick to it, I will be doing fine. I just let him know that "from now on we only need to discuss the children - specifically visitation and child support and once we get a consistent schedule going, we won't even need to discuss that unless a problem arises for one of us". I also said that "any discussions regarding us need to be saved for the mediator's office" just as you suggested. Maybe I should post a note on my computer and phones so I will remember not to call him unless its about the kids. Another problem is, making excuses like I NEED to talk to him about the kids. I don't NEED to, I just do it, I guess so I can keep hanging on.

I used to find reasons to call all the time also. Everytime I pick up the phone I tell myself."No I'm not going to call right now. I will wait."

It got to the point that I could go for a few days without calling her but as it turned out. The longer I went without calling her, the more she would call me.

Not picking up the phone just top call him will probably be hard to do but once you start, you will feel good about yourself.

WIWH

Movingon - do as they stated. Don't call unless it is about the kids. The time will come when you won't want to call. Believe me, I was there. Now if I don't hear from him for a week, it is okay. I really have nothing to discuss with my ex, for he is with the other woman, and if that is the type of woman he wants, that is okay with me.

Don't discuss anything with them. Let them know how the kids are and things about the kids. But as far as yourself, don't tell them anything. Good to hear you surrounded yourself with christian friends. That is what I did, and I am a member of a great church. Infact, we have cell group on Weds. and this Friday, once again our cell group is doing something that is fun.

I no longer crave talking to my ex. Which seems odd, cause about 2 months ago I was still craving his voice. I know he is moving on with his life, for he chose the other woman. That is fine. I know that he doesn't consider me in any way. For that is fine too. I will survive without him. Cause God is watching over me. As far as him and the other woman, it will never last. And he will get burned but that is his problem.

Limit your time to no contact. That is what finally helped me move along. I stated to him no contact, no coming over to my house. For my kids all drive and can go to his place of temporary residence. It is working out, and I do find myself moving ahead now.

I feel sorry for such little ones that they don't have a daddy. But he will see the choice he made was wrong. Many wayward spouses will finally see the choice they made is wrong, but sometimes it is too late. Keep yourself active, with your christian church, for they will help your little ones to cope. Limit your conversation, to a minimal. And take care of yourself. For your little ones will depend on you.

I am sorry for you too, have to go through a divorce. But this is the wayward spouses choice. GoD Bless you and your little ones.

I know only three ways to get rid of the anger:

1) Let go completely.
2) Forgive. This is a BIG one, but it can be done.
3) See the other person thru God's eyes. Ask God to help you with this one.

Just know that many of us have been where you are now....and it sucks!!! But you will get thru it.

Take care of yourself, seek God and allow Him to help you. You can't change anyone else...you can only control your own behaviour.

God bless.

Now, admittedly, I have never been much given to anger. But, here's the "trick" that astonished me in how effective it was at defusing any triggers...

I "simply" tried to see things from my (now-ex-)wife's perspective, without making any judgements about whether or not that perspective was rationally valid. By doing so, I had no attention remaining for "righteous indignation." And I felt compassion for her.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Moving on, Laura lee is right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think it would help if you had a really, really good friend(s) where it wasn't damaging to your relationship(s)... that you could vent to. Or a support group. Someone, some people, who are "safe" and will listen without repeating or riling you up more.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I may not be a "realy good friend" But you know where I am if you need to vent!

WIWH

I did really, really bad the other day. I called WH boss and told her that she hired someone that was accused of sexual harrassment at former job, she needs to watch him for SH at new job. There was an agreement with me and WH that I wouldn't tell but I blew it. (It IS all true, I'm not lying here) but once I said it, I knew I shouldn't have and I cannot take it back now. WH is SO MAD. I paid my attorney a retainer fee today and he will be preparing the paper work next week. Anyway, I have quit talking to WH. Everything, (mostly) will go thru attorneys. I guess.

LB LB LB LB LB LB LB

I thought you were doing good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

This sounds like vengence but I'm sure you didn't just decide to do it. Something must have triggered you.

WIWH