Hello everyone,
This is a long post, but please I need some help real bad.
I won't go into a lot of details as my original situation is on my first posts under Emotional Needs. Well, here is where I am now and I need some advice very badly.
My wife let the divorce go through and it will be final in 30 days and 6 months for purposes of remarriage. She can drop the divorce anytime up to the 6th month period.
In the past she told a friend (who passed on to me) when the friend asked her (Wife) if she wasn't being unfair to me since i hadn't done anything to deserve a divorce. Her reply was that "well, the divorce isn't final for 6 months. He has 6 months to show me that he can change." That was when she first filed.
More recently (month ago) her friend told me that she is very confused about everything. During the first month or two of her filing, I found the HN/HN book and started doing a good Plan A. It seemed to be working till one day when I told her that I felt she was sending mixed messages (see eralier posts). I was frustrated I guess.
Her reply was that "people don't file for divorce if they don't want a divorce". I told her I understood and that I would move on but that I still was standing by my vows. She hemmed and hawed during the conversation and we finally ended the conversation. I got the impression that she really didn't beleive in what she was saying but felt compelled to say it none the less.
In the next couple weeks I kinda went into a minimal contact as she had a lot going on in her life. It was that way up till the divorce hearing. The hearing was very straight forward since we had a property settlement already. I testified that I felt the marriage was not irretrievably broken and that all efforts at reconcilliation had not been exhausted. I told the judge that I was standing for my marriage, I loved my wife and kids and was willing to do whatever it took to save the marriage.
The next day at a kids soccer game I didn't stand by her and basically turned my back to her. I know this was a major LB, but it hurt so bad to see her after the previous day. She walked away wiping a tear from her eyes. I felt really bad.
Given her earlier comments about the 6 month period, I am wondering what I should be doing. I think she is looking for me to change. Our MC said to me at one point that she will notice consistent positive changes over time. MC said That I need to work on me, wife/she needs to work on her and then maybe later when we are both more emotionally healthy, bring the two of us together later to work on the marriage issues. This is consistent with wifes comments to me about not being interested in couples counseling "at this time", indicating a possible future interest.
So, should I go back to Plan A for the next 6 months even though I hurt so badly from the divorce last week, or what. The Plan A did have positive effects before we just got derailed by my comments about sending mixed messages.
I feel that she was always going to have the divorce go through if for nothing else to prove a point to herself and friends (yeah, this sucks coming from a spouse I know). Now that this is done, I think there is the opportunity to maybe use this period to heal (if possible?) and reconnect. She told my kids earlier that she wants to be friends and that time heals all wounds. I am and would be devasted to end the 6 months with no change in the status.
I guess I have nothing to lose at this point (except my sanity). The other day I asked my 5 yr old something about mommy. I don't recall what it was. During the course of the conversation with my 5 yr old, she said that she (daughter) had asked mommy if she was going to marry someonelse. My wife replied that "no she wasn't going to marry anyonelse and that she wanted to be in love with daddy again". I am pretty sure that my daughter wasn't making it up. So I assume that this is a positive thing. Again, what to do? Help!
I have had 2 sessions with SH and he told me to focus on the kids which I have been doing. I am just going crazy now in a modified Plan B.
