(Apologies for the length)<p>We’ve been married for 10 years and have two kids. I’ve recently returned from working overseas for the last two years to raise money for our home and our relationship has been strained. I am now working away from home and returning at weekends. During my absence overseas we had holidays together every three months with the exception of one in April 2000 when she went on an exotic beach holiday with her brother. She met a married man there who lives overseas and they kissed on the last night. They kept in touch and I discovered signs through their emails and letters when I was home on holiday in August 2000 and December 2000 and after I returned in September 2001. I let her know that I knew and she hid and then claimed she had destroyed the evidence. As far as I know they have not met again. Their communications have become very affectionate and playfully sexual on both sides as our relationship has been in crisis. <p>However, we had great times during our holidays and on reuniting recently even though I knew about her penpal and she knew that I had an affair whilst overseas. She was very hostile after finding out and initially did not admit to knowing. She won’t tell me when she found out and what evidence she has. I assume she is telling the truth as this would explain her hostility. In October 2001, I wrote to him and told him to back off which he did. My wife and I reconciled our differences to a degree where the relationship was workable but she was clearly hurt by my affair and I was also about her “penpal affair”, which I maintained was just as bad as the real thing or would be if they met again. Things worsened up to Christmas 2001, but then we had a great holiday after which she resumed her communication secretly with her penpal and it continues now. She doesn’t know that I know but I am making big hints that I don’t feel she is being 100% with me and she is not trying. She just continues, denies everything, and is less hostile towards me as we are getting on much better although not as much as I would like. He has been writing asking her to meet up with him. <p>So now to try to bring things to a head again, I have gambled by playing the Honesty Card. Next week, I’ve arranged to meet up with the person I had an affair with overseas during a short holiday she has here. This is only to catch up on news from overseas as we were long-time acquaintances. To be open and honest with my wife (in the hope that she will be with me and maybe make her jealous too) I told her what I was doing, effectively giving her the opportunity to intervene and copied her on the communications I have had with this woman. I don’t know what her reaction is yet. I expect she will initially be hurt (yes, she is upset - just receieved a call) then indifferent then relieved that I have opened up, and then maybe she will follow suit and open up too. I have just asked her if she is speaking to him. If she doesn’t come clean – what do I do?<p>Option 1 : Do I present evidence to her of her continued communication with the penpal to try to make them stop? So far all I have done has not made her. The longer the relationship continues, the more dangerous it must become. I can’t see an advantage in this option apart from me getting even by upsetting her as much as I’ve been upset by her communications. The disadvantage is that I would undoubtedly upset her by showing I don’t trust her and we would inevitably fight. This would probably drive her to seek solace from him even more. <p>Option 2 : Or do I maintain the status quo by not confronting her as the penpal seems less of a threat (although I am extremely jealous) and we are getting on better. I am hoping she will become honest with me as her communications nowadays seem “harmless”. When I wrote to him in October 2001 she was upset as she wanted to end it herself. But I am very worried about the growing sexual themes in their communications and her dependency on his words of comfort when we fight. The only advantage of my keeping quiet is that I can continue to monitor the situation secretly and hope as she says that he’s only a friend. A disadvantage is that the communications will continue to hurt me. I think she suspects that I already have access to her communications and I guess that she is trying to make me jealous and hurt me by allowing the communications to become more intimate and passionate. I won’t have a chance to know her true feelings unless we have a heart-to-heart again.<p>Option 3 : Contact him again and give him a second warning.<p>Option 4 : Go straight to GO and reveal him to his wife.

Hi,<p>I read your message. I can imagine that it is frustrating having your wife emotionally involved with another man. However, in your options I noticed that you mentioned nothing about meeting with the woman that you had an affair with. It is my feeling that if you guys want your relationship to work you both have to cut off all forms of communication with others who interfere with your marriage. Your wife needs to try to connect emotionally to you and you need to get your overseas information from someone else and connect with your wife. You are both hurting each other and being totally dishonest. <p>I would suggest that you find a good counselor, and confront your wife about her emotional affair with the counselor present to help you work through this issue. It is also necessary for you to have no further contact with the woman that you had an affair with. Also get the book "His Needs Her Needs" and go through it together Chapter by Chapter and write out your answers and discuss them. Try to arrange a dinner date one night a week, whether it is out or in after you put the kids to bed so that you can talk and enjoy each other. <p>I do know that you will get no where unless you are both honest about your feelings, what you are doing behind each others back, and completely stop the exterior relationships.<p>Good Luck!

Thanks for the advice. You are very right. Where we stand now is that we are trying to connect albeit by email and I should not have seen this woman for overseas news. My wife does not understand that it was for news and that this woman meant nothing to me other than as a sexual release during our separation as compared with her penpal who was a very intimate confidant all the time upto last week. In truth, I saw the other woman last Friday to get a reaction from my wife. This has allowed us to talk and is clearing the air somewhat. <p>The trigger was that she sent the most intimate e-mail cards and messages to him she has ever done on the day I met with the other woman. Later I found them and confronted her. She said she intended for me to find them but I still don't believe her. She said that she wanted to know what it was like to write very intimate words to another person (not carry them out as I have) but simply to write them and know what she knows now. That it is horrible and it hurts. That one cannot write words like that to just anyone. It has to be to someone you love, someone you truly want to make love with. So she says that it actually hurt her more by doing this because she now knows that she cannot write these words to anyone else but me because she hasn't made love to anyone else but me. Now does this ring true?<p>I will try to get the book and I have no intention of contacting the other woman again. I have been the one to want counselling and have the night out alone without the kids, but she always finds an excuse not to. She often just switches off at home or goes out with friends or gets upset when we are all home en famille when we all can't relax together because I am demanding attention - either sexually or emotionally. I must put my foot down and insist we go out together alone and regularly. I'd like to put my foot down about regular sex too but she is one for spontaneity (and passion). We see each other about 20 hours on the weekend in the company of others and our kids and sleep in separate rooms as she avoids me saying I'm too much hard work when she just wants to chill. I need advice here on how to persuade her to make time for us alone, so we can just be together. Maybe this incident is the start to make it easier? I am not optimistic but hopeful.

Anyway, she has just written to him (and copied it to me) saying goodbye and thanks for all the support. Her choice of card and wording are very touching and make me jealous as always. She doesn't realise how upset I get seeing how intimate she is with him and even now when she is supposed to be saying goodbye to him and trying to heal us. OK I'll risk it and share it with you as you need something concrete to grasp - she of course would kill me if she ever found out - but I'm looking for specific help. Her choice of words leaves alot to be desired and I'm feeling like challenging her on some of them:<p>"Dearest XXX,<p>Thank you for always leaving your mailbox open to me - giving love, support and friendship, simply for me.<p>It has not only been fun and exciting but something that happened unexpectedly, taking us both by surprise and becoming a beautiful friendship with many laughs.<p>For filling an empty space and a need to feel good about myself. For being open to receive me on sad days, blue not so well days, I have no time days and my fantasy I'm so alone nights and always responding positively.<p>However, for others, it is difficult to understand this and sadly today it must therefore come to an end.<p>Continue to be happy with your loving, beautiful family and dog. Keep them safe from harm and love them as I know only you can.<p>It's been one to remember always.<p>Here's a parting joke: Imagine a group of sperm swimming - 'God, I'm knackered. How far is it to the fallopian tubes ? A long way mate, we've only just passed the tonsils !'<p>Goodbye.<p>Love<p>XXXX

Hey,<p>There is alot of stuff in your message to talk about, but unfortunately I am headed out to Disneyland for springbreak with my family so I will have to make this a little short. I see alot of similiarities in your relationship and mine. However, in our case my husband was unfaithful not me, and since I am a woman I can only tell you my perspective. First, I think the book I recommended in my last message would be really really helpful and guide you through some of the difficult issues you and your wife are having and help you guys kind of find your way back to each other.<p>Regarding putting your foot down about sex, I think one problem is that many guys say they "just have sex with someone" and that it is just a release or it didn't mean anything but to your wife it is horribly devastating. She, feeling disconnected from you, has connected emotionally with someone which is devastating to you, but she has not had sex with this person so she may not see what she is doing in the same league. <p>I am sure you would like regular sex but she does not feel emotionally connected to you. Guys tend to feel emotionally connected when they have sex and with women, we need to feel emotionally connected to have sex. I don't think sex is going to come about until you get your other stuff sorted out and I think by pressuring it you will just have not only that door but others shut in your face. She may just feel like she is being stalked in terms of sex, like sex is all you want. Basically you are not meeting her emotional needs and she is not meeting yours. The book really helps with this. <p>I know it made me feel alot better when my husband could just keep his sexual urges to himself and sit by me, lay by me, talk to me or hold me without me always feeling that I was being pursued. I just felt alot more emotionally supported and eventually I was able to feel loved enough that I wanted to have sex with him again. We haven't slept in the same bed together for about 7 or 8 years...but that started because he had a horrible snoring problem, which he recently got fixed. We just bought a new king bed but have yet to sleep together all night in it. It will just take time...<p>One thing that may help is if you go to counseling. Find a counselor, set and appointment and tell your wife that you have made an appointment with a counselor because you care about your relationship with her and want to save it. And tell her you would really like her to go. If she says no or makes an excuse about why she can't go, just say to her that your relationship with her is really important and you understand that she cannot go with you this time but you would really like it if she would go with you in the future and that you are still going. <p>If you have read the information on the board about infidelity you will see that you wife has followed the information by ending the relationship and not hiding the exit letter from you. That is a start, you guys have a lot of hurt to heal and it will take some time and effort to get things back on track but if you guys work on it I bet you can get it back.<p>Does you wife read the Marriage Builder forums?<p>Good luck again...I hope to hear that maybe things are going better when I return.

Hello. I was reading your post, and one thought that came to my mind was it seemed that you feel like your wifes online interaction with the other guy was much worse than your actually having slept with another woman. I am not really offering advice, but my first gut response was "hey, actually sleeping with someone else is worse than having email interactions with someone" I don't know how you really feel about that, but you first have to understand that you actually did cheat on your wife, and that it probably hurts her terribly. And, in your wifes eyes, what she's doing isn't as bad as what you did. And, I really don't understand why you felt that you had to see the other woman again to get the lastest info from over seas?????????
I would think the first step in saving your marriage is to take responsability for YOUR actions, and not try to justify them by your spouces actions. And I would take comfort in the fact that she hasn't actually slept with this other man. Whether or not having adulterous (sp) with another person was........just sex, or emotional connection, or what ever is really irrelevent. It wouldn't make me feel any better to know that my spouce cheated on me, but it was "only for physical release". It would hurt A LOT either way.
I'm not trying to criticize, but you obviously posted tryint to get others opinions.
I think its heartening to know that you guys are still together, and it seems obvious that you both want to work this out, which is wonderful. I would focus on what YOU could do to make things right, things that are in YOUR power. Rectify the mistakes that YOU made before you try and justify that she's just as wrong as you are.
Thats just my 2 cents, and it could be all wrong!!! Good luck!