I just discovered my H was having an affair a few weeks ago. I filed for divorce as soon as I discovered it. He has since denied it, until I had overwhelming evidence - then admitted it and says its now over. Next he said he wanted to be with me and would do anything, even go to MC with me to make it work.

After a few days saying that, he started in about how he thinks a "Separation" would be best.

I told him that I am so untrusting and jealous that his living separately would drive me crazy, because I'd think that he was continuing the affair. He swears that is not why he wants the separation, but of course I am not believing that.

Are there times when a separation is best, or is this a last ditch attempt for him to continue on with the other woman without having to be accountable to me for his time or behavior?

thanks

Kikid, Have you read the site? If not, please do. I’m so sorry you are in this situation.

Here are a few thoughts. You can’t control your spouse even when said spouse lives in the house. If your H. wants to continue the affair, he will. Accounting for his time may make you feel a little better, but it won’t really stop the affair. And in my experience, until the wayward spouse ends the affair, accounting for their time is an exercise in futility. The WS simply lies, then the BS catches them in a lie and the whole thing starts again.

So, having him in the house in order to keep dibs on him is not a good reason to live together.

A good reason to keep him in the house is so that you can demonstrate your willingness and ability to make him happy. If you haven’t read this site or Surviving an Affair, you’re probably going “Whaaaat? Make HIM happy?”

And while I agree the WS may deserve to be punished rather than made happy, if your goal is to save the marriage, you must make him happy. This is Plan A. You eliminate all actions that are a big drain on his love for you, and you meet his emotional needs wherever possible. And, here’s the kicker, you don’t ask anything back except he end contact with the Other Woman.

Now, obviously, only a saint could keep this up for a long period of time. Sometimes, Plan A is all you need and your spouse sees the light of day and ends the affair and begins restoring romantic love in the marriage. Often, this is not the case. So….

Dr. Harley, in his infinite wisdom, developed Plan B. Plan B is for when you’ve done a superb Plan A and are hurt and exhausted and ready to leave the WS lying on the side of the road. Plan B is a nice letter saying don’t call me, write me or anything me until the OP is out of the picture and you are committed restoring romantic love to our marriage.

Thanks to Plan A, your WS leaves with pleasant memories of you, setting the stage for his return when the A ends. Most A’s end within a year of discovery day.

A good Plan A is essential for a successful Plan B.

Good answer, greengables!

IMHO, the only times a separation is good are:

*If there is physical abuse going on.

*If one spouse is emotionally abusing the other....i.e. right before my x-H moved out, he spent HOURS on the phone with the OW...right in my presence! It just about killed me...and that was the straw that sent him packing.

Otherwise, I don't think a separation is a good idea....it's the first step on the slippery slope to divorce. Just my 2 cents....

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 02:36 PM: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</small>

Unless you get to the point I did where you have a sudden urge to perpatrate grevious bodily harm on your spouse. Please leave before you do that. Or before you get so desparate you fall into an EA. I guess my standards are a little looser than Ms.O's.