My wife of 6 years has decided to leave me after she gets out of school in a few weeks. She has always had problems dealing with her emotions and likes to put on a front to make everyone, including me, think that all is well. She lost her mother, whom she was extremely close with, as well as her grandmother in the past 18 months, and has went through full time school and part time work for two years. We have a 6 year-old and a 2-year old that haven't seen her much in the past two years. But my wife has lately been more concerned about going out and drinking with her friends than even coming home to spend the 10minutes she usually gets before bedtime with them.

She won't go to counseling, she won't talk to me except to tell me she loves me, but isn't in love with me. She gets aggrevated when I try to ask anything and has slept (usually with a locked door) in the guest room for two months.

I have tried being nice, tried all the good tactics to only be hurt and insulted time and time again. I know I contributed to this and I have a new understanding thanks to Dr. Harley about what I've done in the past to bring the marriage this far. But she never has been one to let me know when something was wrong in a positive form of communication. She would just have outburts, as would I some times, but then just blame it on that time of the month herself.

I am desperate. Everyone is telling me to get out because obviously she doesn't respect me and I'm exhausted at being hurt. I feel like I haven't slept in a month and probably look it.

She got nice, or so it seemed, last week when she went through her early graduation ceremonies, and was real fake with my family then and on Mother's day. But now she's back to her old ways.

My sister wants to have a serious heart to heart with her but I'm afraid that will just make her mad. But I don't feel it could get any worse so I might agree to it.

The first thing I want to do is lay a copy of many of the topics from this site that I printed out on "her" bed with a little note asking her to read it if only simply for her, but I doubt she will.

Is there anyone out there who can give me some advice on what steps to take next?

I dont' feel she should even be in the house because I know the kids are picking up on it even in the short time she is there - which I'd say even have of that she is sleeping or napping for several hours in the afternoon.

She needs help, I think. I know we definitely need help together. Please, someone, offer some suggestions. I'm almost burnt out. Thank you!

<small>[ August 05, 2004, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Laura_lee

Is what you're saying is that I need to give her the space until she gets out of school, then just try to be there when she needs me?

It's hard to stay away in the same house and it's hard to be a buddy when things like decisions about who's going to babysit our kids during the summer are abound and she just can't deal with even talking about it.

Then she wants to move out right when she gets out of school and is preparing for that. I'm afraid she'll leave and I won't have the opportunity to be with her.

Do you or anyone think that she'll open up to trying to work the marriage out and give me the opportunity to make Love Tank deposits when she gets out of school?

It really sucks when I'm trying to be who she wants me to be but she still hurts me and won't let me in to help her through this. Why does she think she can do it on her own and not let anyone help? Plus, she'll fight to take the kids when she leaves and I just don't think she's capable of dealing with them even when school is out because of her emotional level. Not that I'm extremely stable right now, but she's across the board.

Why does she keep talking to me? The more I try to stay away, the more she wants to talk to me - telling me to give up because it's over, reminding me that she isn't in love with me and never was. Is she just trying to hurt me or convince herself that she's doing the right thing? And, depending on what she's doing, what should I do in return. Please, someone help?

I've looked back and am wondering if she's in extreme depression, and in fact may have been under some slight form of depression before we were even married.

Could this be a possibility? And if so what do I do to keep her so that I can be here for her? I love her and want her to be well.

Thanks for any support.

Hi - sounds to me like you need to practise the same advice that i've been given.

Give her some space and time - wait for her to come round. Patience is the name of the game!

Sounds good to me that she wants to talk to you all the time.....

JB, not to put a fly in the ointment but having been in a situation similar to your wife there are some things I would check on..... This is the guy aspect on things but similar situation. I was in school, married, seeking the better education and a better life...... at the same time things at home were not unsimilar to yours sans kids at the time..... and hence I found friendship, excitement, and life in the people in school, people I found had a common ground..... and hence an affair.....quickly evolved, left my wife or should I say she left me.... the thing I saw though was it gave me a chance to look ahead....both through new job opportunities, and new relationships.... things I did not have in the married life at the time because I was so involved in my college life and study.

Is it possible (and the signs are definitely there) that she is seeing someone? And potentially looking to a new future?

There's definitely that possibility. She did admit to me weeks ago that she has feelings for someone but that she would never persue anything while married and would wait until after the divorce if things went that way.

And all the other usual signs are there. The last few times we had sex - also weeks ago - she was doing new things and talking like she never did before. And she got a "new" contraceptive from a friend that I found and she said it was for us. But she now keeps them in her purse - yes, I snooped. She stays out all night at the "friends" house instead of coming home to the house with her kids. She got her own cell phone and sleeps and checks her email behind the locked door in the guest room. And when I asked her the guy's name and how she met him she would not give me an answer and turned furious when I kept hounding - to the point that she packed her bags and was going to leave that day. But she didn't and I almost wished she had, because it's just too hard to still be in the house with her.

So, yeah, it's probably happening. And she's the type of person who would never admit it. So, I wonder if there is any hope.

Last week she begged me for a divorce, so I filed. I also filed for temporary custody because I don't think she's mentally stable enough to care for them now, then we'll work out the details later.

At first I didn't think I was doing the right thing, but I think I have now. She has had more doubt (well, yes, anger too) than she has had in the past two months. I'm not going to say anything and see what happens. I'm also trying to get her out of the house - maybe that will make her think.

Believe me, I was out of options. She was going to do it anyway and I feel that if the ball was in her court, she would relax too much and not worry about what's going to happen.

But, unfortunately, there is much that has transpires that has destroyed my trust for her so a reconciliation would be hard to fathom at this point even if she did want to work on it. I would like she would be trying to turn the tables and backstab me when things were going her way.

Anway, just curious to what chances do you think we have now?

I know how your wife feels, as I am your wife in my own relationship. Recently left my s/o of 7 years because I just couldnt deal with him any longer. There is no other man nor do I want one.

Everything you have described about your wife actions sounds just like me. ( less the o/m)

I have been trying to tell him for years, in my own distant way that Im not happy with our relaitonship, finally It came to a head and I left.

I guess what I realy need is some time alone, away from him. If he chooses to be there for me and our child when ever I come around, that would be great. Until then I cant expect him to do anything but be a father and a friend.
If he needs to find some one else to replace me,
I guess I would be ok with that but dont truly know, still in a very confused state.

I think your wife just needs to have her little mid-life crisis ( or what ever it is)to get it our of her system and then if your there ... your there if not then Im sure she will know
what she has done.

best of luck

tryinghard,

So, am I doing wrong by filing for the divorce even though she wanted it and wanted me too, and I am so drained that I can't deal with her punishment of me anymore?

I'm not a bad person at all, and have been very kind most of our relationship. Would you not give your man a try if he was the same but just wasn't filling up your love bank, like I have not, but understood now and completely had all desire to give?

If you want him around, then please give him something, and, yes, men like words, to let them know. Don't say "Just leave me the f**k alone for the rest of my life," like my wife does. Just simply say, "I can't stand you now. Don't do anything more than stay away. Our togetherness is worth some extra time to see what resolves. We're worth it if I can feel like coming back to you." Ok, that may be a little much to ask, but a simple "Just wait for me" would do wonders if my wife told me that. Granted, at this point I'm not sure if I would trust or not feel like she was abusing my not wanting the divorce to turn the tides, but I would probably stretch out the divorce as long as possible.

And do you think she ever will regret it? The last thing I want is to go through this and her change her mind two or three years down the road. Why go through this in the first place? Why can't s/o's realize that they can grow individually while still in the relationship as long as they map out their course, with or without our help. And all I want to do is help, because I do see her going down a path that is neither good for herself or the kids.

This sounds exactly what I am going through with my wife. I Lost my job and she took a second and was working with a bunch of single and younger people and all of a sudden I get the same symptoms you are reporting. She has moved out, threatens a divorce every other day and then the next says not right now but down the road we will be divorced. One day she says she can't afford it, the next she wants to wait and see. She never says a single good thing to or about me, in fact I would say she makes up bad things about me. The 3 kids are in the middle of all of this as well. I don't think their is an affair, but she would never admit it I don't think, but I guess if you tell someone you can't stand them you could be honest about an affair so I doubt it is happening. I feel your pain because all I want to do is help and no matter what I do it inflames her anger. She does things and neglects the kids but if I say something she threatens me with not seeing them ever.

I had decided to file for divorce because it isn't fair for her to have such constant control over my life and I am not allowed to even be concerned about the kids without being cursed out. I decided that I wasn't going to do her any favors, if she wants a divorce she is going to have to file for it. I love her still even after all the bad things she has done to me. I think she just needs space, I know my wife was abused as a child and raped as a teen so that comes into play in my case. Anything like that going on in your case that you dont know about? Just a thought. Anywa I wish I could help more it just seems like there is an outbreak of this in the US right now, why doesn't anyone just try and work things out, if you can't fix it leave is not a very good philosophy or lesson to teach the kids IMHO.

CC

Josieburn,
No I don't think your wrong for filing, as much as you love and care for your wife what you realy need to be worried about is the safety and health of your children they are first.
( my child was the biggest reason for me leaving, more than likely if we hadn't had a child I would still be there unhappy).

I would definitely give my s/o another chance, but not until I'm ready , and unfortunately I don't know when that will be. what I do know is that the more he tried to get me back the further I wanted to get away from him.
I believe he has now come to terms with me gone and is trying to get on with his life, which is driving me crazy. Strange how that works huh?
He finally gets over it and now I want him back?
Oh well, I still wont go back just for that reason, it's to soon .

I will not tell him to wait for me because I don't think that would be fair.
And I'm sure she will regret what she has done eventually, wish I could tell you when but I cant.

My best advice would be to live for your children and never try to replace their mother.
Nothing will ever stop the hurting but time.
Let her know that you have moved on and you don't
need her anymore, that is what my s/o has done and it has certainly opened my eyes, ( at lest to communication)
*********************************************
ccoger,
I would have to agree , leaving is not the best way to deal with it , but It was the only thing I could do to get results, as I have tried to communicate with my s/o in the past , and all he did was tell me that I was wrong and he was right.(I do know that I am not always right so that is not an issue)
In the begining of our relationship he was the one that always wanted to talk things out and we did at first , then eventuly I just ended up agreeing with him so I wouldnt have to deal with the confilct or the agurement. I have tried to tell him about the way that I feel and he just refuses to beleive that he would have any thing to do with our problems. So the end result is , I dont feel comfertable telling him my feelings any more due to the fact he has rejected every thought that I have ever shared with him .