Hello all!

I am new to this forum, but have been lurking around the site for a while. A little background....

My husband moved out in Oct, and filed for divorce in Feb. It's not final, and up until a week and a half ago, we (I thought) had committed to going to counseling and trying to rebuild. We were dating and having family time and still sexually intimate.

I'm 30, he's 31. We've been together for 5 years, married for 2, and to be honest, there were (are) so many problems for so long. This is a second marriage for both of us, and we have 4 girls- his 2, my one, and ours.

Yesterday, I accidentally met his new girlfriend, who he says he's been with for about 3 weeks. I am in soooo much pain that I can barely think. She's 23, never married, has a 3 year-old daughter, and works at a convenience store. She is also tall and blonde, the seemingly complete opposite of me. I stopped there to get a drink, and to my surprise, my husband was there. I went inside, paid for my drink, and by the look on my husband's face, realized. I went in to talk to her, and though I wasn't sure what I would say, I ended up being nice....to nice, perhaps. I wanted to call her a homewrecker, but I didn't. I wanted to say how she didn't have any morals, but I didn't. I wanted to plead with her to allow my husband and I to have some closure before coming between us, but I didn't. Instead, I felt sorry for her- almost in a motherly kind of way- for how uncomfortable she must have been. I explained that whatever anger I felt, it was not directed at her. Then, I left, knowing that MY husband would be by her side, attending to HER emotional needs, and kissing HER goodbye. I cried all the way home, drowning myself in self-pity.

I could ramble on forever, but here's the bottom line. My marriage has is not a very good one, and I suppose my husband sees it as having been over for some time. I've remained in denial, I guess. He doesn't treat me very well- not with love or respect, and I probably deserve better. That being said, I am so very much in love with him still. I still get butterfiles waiting to see him, and I KNOW we still have a chemistry and a deep love. I believe this OW could be anyone- as long as she isn't me, and enables my husband to have the strength to not commit to me and follow through with the divorce. He has told a number of lies about me to many people, and they are all anxiously awaiting the ending of our marriage. I doubt he'd want to disappoint them, as others' approval and acceptance is quite important to him. I've asked my husband why HER, and he said because it's "fun and she lets me do whatever I want and it doesn't take work....it's easy". Sounded very immature. He is running from responsibility, I think, as he has taken a similar approach with the kids and finances. He also stated that although he sleeps over her house, they have not been sexually intimate. I don't believe that, but I know I can forgive it with time.

My question is this- right or wrong- is there ANY WAY I can turn this around? I've made a decision to NOT be the crazy wife who has to beg her husband, only to be rejected again. Instead, I've decided to be the mature, loving wife, who displays the kind of attitude that is worthy of respect. I don't want to lose anymore self-respect, but I also don't want to lose my husband. He has many flaws, as do I. Our separation has allowed me time to grow some and reflect, and I desperately want only a chance to see if we might be able to make this work. Do any of you think there's any hope at all, or am I fighting a losing battle? I do appreciate honestly, but please- not too brutally honest, as I'm just not ready for that just yet.

Sorry this is so long. Thanks so much for your time.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Dear mom etc.
Welcome. I want to send you to the rest of the Boards, tell you to read up on the Emotional Needs Section and on Plan A and Plan B.

In my opinion, You did good, the way you handled meeting the OW. Now, time to go Dark. Don't be available to your husband for anything. Don't meet any of his needs whatsoever.

You will need a lot of strength to do a good Plan B. It is like an antibiotic. You have to take all the pills and not stop just because some of the symptoms let up.

Consider that all the marriage counseling and all the dating and good sexual intimacy have been your Plan A. Plan B is to protect your feelings and save your love for him so that you can rebuild when he comes back.

Go to the Plan B section, ask for help drafting a Plan B letter.

Oh, and the part about them not having sex? Pulleeze.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In my opinion, You did good, the way you handled meeting the OW. Now, time to go Dark. Don't be available to your husband for anything. Don't meet any of his needs whatsoever.

You will need a lot of strength to do a good Plan B. It is like an antibiotic. You have to take all the pills and not stop just because some of the symptoms let up.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bellevue is 100% right and Bellevue the antibiotic thing is one of the best I've heard in a long time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and he said because it's "fun and she lets me do whatever I want and it doesn't take work....it's easy". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah like thats gonna last. She'll get tired of him doing whatever he wants! Once she does, he will start to come around and realize how great you are.

You confronted the OW with pride and dignity. I doubt she will be able to accept things as well as you now.

Now she knows what she is up against and will see that she has no chance.

Make sure you stick to a solid plan as Bellevue said all the way through. Do not give in too early and make sure he plays by the rules.

You got a good start! you already showed that you are the bigger person!

WIWH

Thanks so much for the welcome and the advice Bellevue and WishI WereHome.

The problem is that we had been separated for 7 months before he went to his OW, and the divorce was already pending (not my choice, and I don't even want it). He doesn't see what he is doing as an affair. Even before this OW, he still didn't really want to remain married, and I think he was only going to counseling with me to get me to agree to the divorce and for it to run more smoothly. Seems like I have many obstacles to get past.

Truth is....he doesn't look to me for his needs anymore- well, except for taking money from my acct. when he needed it just this week. I think he has her to meet all of his needs, as she is his girlfriend, and I know from knowing him as I do that he likely has jumped in with both feet.

Are you sure I am up to Plan B now? Seems like Plan A wasnever really started. It's almost midnight, and I am exhausted, but I haven't been sleeping well. I'm so anxious all of the time, and just toss and turn for hours. It's not like I hadn't adjusted to him being gone, I just had not accepted that he wasn't coming home. I really thought there was a chance.
This was not our first separation. He has left me numerous times, but always came back. I suppose I took it for granted that he always would, but now with this OW, I don't think he'll have reason to.

I do not have any support from family or friends for trying to save this marriage. They all feel I should be thankful he's out of my life and move on. I obviously feel differently, and maybe that's not very healthy. I didn't intend for this to be a short-term marriage. I thought 'til death do us part meant exactly that. I remain committed- no matter what.

I want to call him, but I know I'd be degrading myself. I also know that he is probably with her, and won't even answer his phone. I hate feeling so betrayed, so rejected, so alone.

I prayed last night for my husband to give our marriage a chance. This would be easier to bear had he not misled me as he did. I believed that he wasn't 100% sure the marriage was over. I believed he loved me, wanted me, but that we had to fix things. I agreed completely.

I know I didn't handle our separation well these past 7 months. He left me the day I came home from the hospital after an emergency hysterectomy, and I came home to see him packing. I've been LB'ing and begging, crying, thrown tantrums, threatened ever since- until yesterday. I let him have his cake and eat it too. He came to me when he wanted to, and then tossed me aside when he wanted his freedom. He made all of the demands, and cut off contact if I didn't meet them. If I asked for his time, he said I was trying to control him. Now if I ask for his time, he is cold, and acts like he would be dishonoring the OW in some way by seeing me except regarding the kids.

Please...a little more help here.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This helps some...