I'm planning on remaining in the house after W files divorce papers. I am doing this to try to turn it around, but I also anticipate that it will be pure hell.

Anyone have any ideas as to how to cope? Anyone else been there or are currently there now?

Thanks.

Bob, I totally love to be prepared. I like to anticipate as much as the next person and have Plans A, B, C and D lined up for all contingencies.

BUT! This is a tad premature even for me. She hasn't filed the papers yet. She may not. And she may decidde to be the one to move if she does file.

At any rate, most lawyers prefer you stay in the house if possible, though this will vary from state to state.

We haven't filed yet, but my H moved back in of his own volition several weeks ago. It has been pure living Hell as I move closer and closer to asking for a D with him happily around, going about his business like there's no problems between us. We have spoken maybe 20 words to each other in the last 4 weeks since he checkmated me. I wouldn't suggest it b/c you never know how things will evolve as you move through a very painful experience. ESPECIALLY if there are kids living at home. It's just so hard for them.

flygirl,

I'm still in the house now, and I don't want to divorce...I know we have problems and want to stay with MC to try to address them. Basically, my wife thinks it's too little, too late. She wants me to move out, but my position is that if she wants to split us up, she should be the one to move. She's not willing to do this, and so, I think the next step her filing for D.

yes, I think it will be hell. Pray for me...take care.

Just Plain Bob

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am doing this to try to turn it around, but I also anticipate that it will be pure hell. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you think that pure hell will turn things around or make them worse.

I've been in your spot before. I've been out of my house for over 8 months at her request. I have considered going back many time and have been told many time that I should.

I know that if I do, it will just show STBXW that I don't care what she thinks or how she feels and do nothing but cause more trouble between us.

Do you have any kids? if so how would this impact them?

If you stay home, will she just pack up and leave more angry with you than she is now?

If your intention of turning things around mean to rebuild your marriage then I think it is a bad Idea to fight over who leaves.

If your intentions are to turn things around to the point that you just want to show her that you want to do things your way and not hers, then staying will do that for you and probably nothing more.

I think the best thing for you to do is try your hardest to show her that you being there will not be pure hell so she has less of a desire to get you to leave.

Do you have a spare room that you can move into to give her some space?

WIWH

<small>[ May 17, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

Bob, has she asked you to leave? One thing you might want to try is a Controlled Separation. It’s an strategy pioneered by Dr. Lee Raffel. You get her book for all the details. Anyway, instead of simply moving out, she has couples negotiate everything about the separation. When it starts and when it ends, who moves out and who gets what. How the finances are handled. How dating is handled. How the children are handled. How marriage counseling is handled. The only thing she absolutely mandates is that both parties promise not to sue for divorce during the agreed upon period. Once everything is negotiated, she draws up a contract and all parties sign including her.

Probably other marriage counselors would be willing to help you through this process.

The benefit is both of you must put your cards on the table – there are no hidden agendas, and you must start working as a team early on. The other big benefit is you become a co-owner with more control over what happens.

If plan A hasn’t worked, and Plan B doesn’t appeal to you for a variety of reasons, a controlled separation may be a good alternative.

I'm planning on remaining in the house after W files divorce papers.
Why should you move?

She wants me to move out, but my position is that if she wants to split us up, she should be the one to move. She's not willing to do this, and so, I think the next step her filing for D.
Even if she were to file, that doesn't mean YOU have to move. And if it is included in papers (which may never come) you should fight it big time!

Chris: I totally agree. If she wants the separation then she is free to pack her bag and move on to her greener pastures. She has no right to force you from your home. She has no right to take the children (if there are any) from their home either. You will not win any compassion from her by leaving and in many states you will be at a much more tenuous legal position.

Plan A her with a smile and don’t block the door if she wants to leave. Help her pack.

Cheers,

CN

About 7 years ago, my W and I were living in the home of my deceased grandparents that was built by my father. I was working out of state but every weekend my paycheck and I came home. My wife didn't have to work because the bills weere being paid, she stayed home to take care of our 2 young children. After a about 6 months of this I got the "I'm not happy and I don't want to be married" anymore speech. I quit my job and didn't go back. She expected me to move out like I did the first time we had trouble, but that was a different house. I told her if she was the one that wanted out, she was the one that would have to get out. She filed for DV, her mother came to stay with us. My W, MIL, 2 kids and I living together in the same house with divorce pending. It was not fun. Finally, my W saw I wasn't going anywhere and was determined to work things out. We started going to MC and life got better. MIL went home. DV was dropped. Went on to live happily everafter. Fast forward to present time. Wife has moved out of same house, apparently remembered "You're the one that wants out, you're the one that' going to have to get out.". I have learned of a A that occured prior to me quiting my out of state job and staying home. Turns out my wife was a WW then and is again now. The OM from that time is still around too. He married after their A and his W and my WW became good friends but she didn't know about the A. We would go out to dinner with them and they had their dirty little secret. OM and his wife got a DV and she helped my WW move out. Now she knows OM and WW's secret and her friendship with WW has cooled.

Stay or go? I say stay. But what do I know?

GG:

I have even agreed to try a trial separation...she said no, let's move forward with divorce. So, I say, if you want a divorce, you can move. In 18 months, you can have one. Or you can sue for cause; in NJ you can get a judgment for "extreme cruelty". I've heard enough stories from friends who have moved out and then have had thier kids ask them "why did you leave instead of working it out?", that I don't want to have that on my conscience. I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE; I WANT TO FIX THE MARRIAGE.

We have 2 kids, 13 and 10...I want to set the example for them that they will stick to their vows thru thick and thin. I have begged, pleaded, cajoled, and tried many ILYs to show her how I feel...they haven't worked. So, I'm joining support groups, trying to get W to keep with MC, and working to take care of myself.

But I'm not leaving, I'm not signing up to divorce.

thanks also to chris, deafjeff, and CN. It's appreciated very much!!!

I would not move out. Why should you?

But, if you do for some reason consult a lawyer before you move out and make sure she can't use it against you later on by saying you abandonded the kids or something like that.

Be a man and tell her you are staying in the house with the kids. She can move out on her own, alone if she wants that.

Also in NJ, I believe that if you do leave, after a certain period of time you don't have the right to go back. If you do, she can have you removed.

I don't know what the time period is on that but I've been out for 8 months and was told that this would be true for me.

WIWH

WIWH,

She has moved into guest room 9 mos ago...I have been pleading, cajoling, asking, etc...to no result. Now she's back on the "we need to split up" mode; when I ask her about this, her response is that I should leave. When I brought up the nitty gritty of legal issues in NJ, she didn't seem to have a clue that (a) she couldn't force me out; (b) that she couldn't just end the marriage in a short time frame via a no-fault irreconciliable differences divorce. When she originally brought up divorce 9 months ago, I told her I wouldn't "sign up" for it, specifically that I wouldn't respond to any legal paperwork, etc. Had I not wised up, she could have served me and 35 days later had a divorce, and it would look like I didn't care?

This sitch is not good for our kids...they can sense the tension, and are basically on eggshells to see what's going to happen to them and their home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This sitch is not good for our kids...they can sense the tension, and are basically on eggshells to see what's going to happen to them and their home. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the sole reason I left!

Wanted as little impact on the kids as possible. With me leaving, they stay in their home with their mother who has been a SAHM with them for 10 years.

W and I get along fine and there is very little tension between us around the kids.

I just don't get to spend as much time with them as I would like to.

WIWH

Bob, what have you told the children so far? I think it’s time to tell them something. Something could simply be “As you may have noticed, your mother and I are having some difficulty getting along. I’m working hard to solve this, and I assume your mother is too. Our difficulties have nothing to do with you children, and we both you love all very much.”

If you tell them nothing, you are leading them to create whatever they can in their own minds. In addition, they feel like there is this code of silence, so they end up bottling everything up. And then, you start to see symptoms.

Bob
W and I both sat down with kids and explained what was going on. They had some questions and fears but at least they weren't left in the dark.

Do you think your W would do this with you for them?

How old are your kids?

WIWH & GreenGables,

We're having a (final?) meeting with MC this coming Thursday, and you can be sure that this topic will come up at some juncture. I like your version, GG...but let's see what happens in MC. Maybe we'll live happily ever after...

B/T/W, had a telephone conversation with Steve Harley today...definitely time well spent.

Please keep myself and my family in your prayers, if you can...thanks.

I agree that you should talk to the kids, but the impact on the kids of your leaving is a major reason for NOT leaving. Having it be a bit tense is nothing compared to not having their father there when they go to sleep, not being able to spend the time with him they used to, not having him around. In addition, of course, if you were to leave, that would significantly reduce your chances of getting custody. There is no upside to leaving if you do not want a divorce, or even if you did, but didn't want to lose your children.

"No up side to leaving"?

Are you speaking specifically about Bob's situation? Or are you speaking more generally, Nellie?

I disagree. When the marital relationship has deteriated dramatically, and the spouses cannot connect and are driving each other nuts, I think a separation with a strategy behind it can do wonders.

Plan B or the Controlled Separation have strategies and end goals. A "trial separation" of "let's separate and give each other some time" seems to result in divorce more than anything. But the other two have a strategy for restoring the relationship.

The problem with staying together when things are so bad, is spouse's inner sources are just deleted and hope erodes down to nothing. One or both people start spending time away from home to escape the tention. Then, they divorce.

I guess it comes down to whether you believe any marraige is better than divorce. I don't. But then, I'm getting divorced rather than have a miserable marraige.

<small>[ May 21, 2004, 07:39 AM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

I for one know that there sometimes is an upside to leaving when it comes down to the kids.

When I finally agreed to leave, W was looking for cloths to pack for the kids.

It was me or them and either way they still wouldn't have had me home at night when they went to bed.

At least by my leaving they got to stay in their home in their beds.

If W felt forced to leave, I don't think she would have gotten over the resentment as well as me and things wouldn't be as good between us as they are.

Everyone's situation is different. In mine I knew it was the right thing to do. Only Bob can decide what would be best in his situation

WIWH