My husband is out of the house for the 3rd time. I usually post on IN RECOVERY, they say I am doing everything wrong. But now I am worried that my daughter gave me some #'s he called on his cell phone and there was a lawyers # there. If he is filing for divorce , what will happen???? I had asked him if he truly didn't want me back, not to make me go through the anxiety of someone knocking on my door and serving me papers. I don't know if my health can take anymore. I would rather talk about it together and try and work something agreeable for us both without going through a divorce. Do I have to give him a divorce???????He is staying down my moms house for the last 2 weeks, he put a new counter on for her, I have not seen it yet. Should I call him and ask to see the counter, and then ask to talk to him in regard to what's happening?????? I feel like I am in limbo now, and am making myself a nervous wreck not talking to him about anything and just waiting for him to make a decision. Or should I just leave him alone until I hear from him????????? The lawyer # scares me............. Can someone help me out here????? Thanks

Lefty,

I would NOT follow up and ask him what's going on...from what I've seen in my own troubled marriage, it gives the other spouse a lot of power, and if they're that angry, you DON'T want to do that...

I think YOU should call a lawyer and see what the law in your state says...what are your rights, responsibilities, etc. You'll feel better...trust me...

Lefty,
I’ve been telling almost every time you post to contact a lawyer. Calling a lawyer doesn’t mean you are getting divorced. It does mean you are protecting yourself. Probably, your husband called his lawyer to find out what would happen if he files. What would he lose? Would he have to pay alimony?

I suggest that at this point, you are strictly business with him. No talk about “us.” No talk about anything emotional. Period. No more snooping either. It’s not helping you at this point.

I gather your H. is still in contact with OW?

What are you going to do? This is not entirely his decision. You can choose to put an end to this too. If not through divorce, then through Plan B.

Look, Lefty, you can’t control your husband, so stop trying. If he wants to have an affair, he will. If he wants to leave, he will. If he wants to divorce, he will.

You need to give yourself a shake and get a grip, because you control your own life. Not him. So take some control, girl! Go talk to a lawyer. Learn how to protect your assets so that you won’t be left destitute. Find out what you need to do next. Find out the viability of this Marriage Agreement, the pros and cons. Find out if your state has legal separation.

Get the information you need to be in control and powerful.

Go make the call NOW. And then, post here that you’ve made an appointment with an attorney. Trust me, knowledge is power.

I went to see 2 lawyers last yr. when I knew he had the girlfriend. They say I will get alimony because I'm married over 10 yrs., and the he has to keep my way of living the same as I have been living while he is out. In Florida it is a No Fault State so everything is split 50/50. That is all each one told me. None told me how much alimony I would get. But now that he is out, I haven't seen any money given to me since4/28/04. That is why I wanted to go look at the cabinets he is doing in my moms and also discuss monies coming to me. He is there in my moms for 2 weeks living the life of leisure not having to pay anything.....Don't you think I have the right to go down and talk about this with him?????????????? Everyone keeps saying stay away, let him do his thing, what right does he have to stay there rent free and relax. Well, the counselor just called and said for me just to write a note and have someone give it to him about paying me something. He said knowing my husband, he would say to stay away too. That he will only say I am bothering him. He also said he still have hope for our marriage.......Right now I can't see it.....

Don't you think I have the right to go down and talk about this with him?
A right? He has the right to not listen to you if he chooses not to.
Besides, what are you going to prove by going to talk with him?

what right does he have to stay there rent free and relax.
He has a right to do it because your mother said he could. It is her house.

He also said he still have hope for our marriage.......Right now I can't see it.
I don’t see it either because you are not taking any positive actions to save it.

You wrote in a previous post, “What can Steve and Harley do at this point?”
They can help you to make sound decisions to do what YOU can to save your marriage, instead of just moaning and groaning about how crappy your h is and not making positive steps.
(p.s. Steve & Harley are the same person. First & last name.)

Does your lawyer say you can file for support while your spouse is AWOL? In our state all I need to do is file with Health and Human Services.

Lefty, you sound paniced. Really panicced. I think once you start taking some control, you'll feel much better. You need to impower youself.

Write the note to your h. and change the locks on the doors. He doesn't get a key until you say it's alright.

Meanwhile you need to stop controlling him and control yourself and your destiny.

I have never really picked a lawyer to work with. I just went to see what my rights were in Florida....Hopefully, he will think about things while he is over my moms house and get the divorce word out of his vocabulary. That is the longest he has been at my moms without going to the O/W house, although she is not home now. But I know he has been talking to one of his lady customers who is divorced so I don't know whether he has another thing started. Time will tell. Yes, I am trying to take care of myself because this is all getting me very nervous.....Thanks

<small>[ May 17, 2004, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I am a total wreck this week. Trying to get a grip on myself because I feel something is going to come of his visit to a lawyer. But I realize there is nothing I can do if he does file. Its just that will mean that is is totally over, and I really can't say how that blow will make me feel. I wanted to make this marriage work. Alot of people said I wasn't putting Harley's work into practice the right way which means I failed in that aspect too. Maybe I'm wrong in being the good guy I think I am. Yesterday, I was supposed to meet a lady to introduce myself to be her partner on a trip. She said 12 noon at the pool. 12:15 I called her asked if she was coming. She said she would be there in 15 min., I said I would be there. 1:15 I see some lady smoking a cigarette looking down at the pool. I said are you Rosemary, she said yes. I said I'm so and so, I've been waiting since 12 noon for you. She said " oh, we decided to have lunch first." What gall of some people, I can't believe there are so many uncaring people out there to do such a thing. And she thought I would spend 4 days and nights on a trip with her. Forget it. I told her I have to see if I can arrange my schedule for that date. Maybe the statement is true, single people are happy people, they do what they want, when they want. Maybe I should think about that slogan some more. I watched Dr. Phil. I was that blonde. Not being able to get over his affair. I missed the last 10 min., I don't know if he said divorce is inevidable or what. If so, so be it with me too, because I really don't even know if he came back, whether I would trust him again after all this.

I watched Dr. Phil. I was that blonde. Not being able to get over his affair.
Big difference in your situations though. That affair was over and the wife was not able to get over it.
Your husbands affair is not over. It never stopped, he never tried to make amends to you nor did he ever do anything to show remorse for it.

What gall of some people, I can't believe there are so many uncaring people out there to do such a thing. And she thought I would spend 4 days and nights on a trip with her. Forget it. I told her I have to see if I can arrange my schedule for that date
You moan abouther uncaring attitude towards you and you lie to her.
Simply tell her you have decided no to go.
Practice what you preach.

Lefty,

I have been following your post and the one question I have is have you called a layer.

Be prepared to protect yourself
Don't let his seeing a lawyer be a blow to you.

Know what to expect, know how to respond, get the advice and direction that you need to be prepared if that knock on your door does come.

WIWH

He came to do the grass today and gave me some money which I had to ask for per a note like the counselor said. He also said he is happy as he is and so far has no intention of coming back, so I said to him I feel we should wait at least 1 yr. before we consider anything and then if all seems that feelings are the same, then do something about it. I told him I feel I will not physically be able to go through a divorce at this point, but would rather talk things out and reach a happy medium for both. I asked him if he has anything in mind at this point, he said no, but he did say to come down later to talk....So I will see what happens. He said 1 yr. seems too long. Is there anything else I should say to him at this time????????? Or just listen to what he has to say???????

L,
I’m still bemused by your actions. You asked for money through a note as your counselor said and then launched into a verbal discussion of your future? HUH?

The one-year wait wasn’t positioned in such as to get buy-in from your husband. The benefits of waiting only benefited you, and the “I’m not physically able to go through a divorce” was blatantly manipulative, not to mention needy and clingy.

I suggest you do NOT go down there for a talk. I suggest you use the time to figure out what you have to offer him in return for waiting. People don’t do anything for nothing. Period.

I’d also like to suggest you surrender your role of neurotic martyr and take up something more 21st Century. Woman survivor with poise, power, pride and panache. You can do it.

Stop trying to control if and when your h files for divorce. Control your own tongue instead. You’ll find your failure rate drops when your goals are focused on things you can control.

Boy, I don't seem to do anything right for anybody........

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> We aren't asking you to do ANYTHING for us.
Everything we suggest is for YOU.

Lefty,

I agree with GG,

your IC said

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, the counselor just called and said for me just to write a note and have someone give it to him about paying me something. He said knowing my husband, he would say to stay away too. That he will only say I am bothering him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And you gave him the note, he gave you money and you opened yourself up to bothering him.

Why is he going to wait a year. He needs to be shown that you are worth giving time not that you need time because you're weak.

I also agree that you need to take more pride and power in yourself. Start taking control of the things that you can control.

You can't control him filing but you can control how prepared you will be if it happens.

You can't control his feelings toward you but you can control yourself and the affect and impression you have on him.

L STOP IT! And yes, I'm shouting.
"I can't do anything right?" What is that about?
THat's what I'm talking about.

Lefty, this is from someone that was exactly where you were at..... taking the same attitude and a lot of self pity...... it seemed like every time I tried to do a Plan A I did not get it, could not do it right, did not understand it.... and would get frustrated when I could not get it or it did not seem to work, or I did the wrong thing....

The people here are trying to guide you and provide you insight..... they are trying to provide from experience some guidance as to what they have seen work for themselves and others.... Like you, I could not see this....yes I felt I was in panic mode..... and I was also self pitying and looking for comfort and people telling me I was right and my WS was wrong.....

It was not till I got past these three things could I see what people were telling me.... that I needed to be strong for me.... for my children..... before I would be able to apply the principles and the guidance here.....

The sooner you see that....the sooner you will be able to start making progress....for your self and potentially your marriage.....

But we can all sit here and talk to you til you are blue in the face...... it is you and only you that can use what you learn, ask questions when you are unsure, and learn from mistakes....

Lefty, it's time for Plan B. No contact with him. You can write brief notes. That's it.

You know what makes me so mad? It's that your indiscreet, wandering, wayward spouse is calling all the shots and you are begging him to let you have a little time.

The way it's supposed to go is he begs you for a second chance. But, in order for that to happen, you have to be the ice queen. Proud, haughty and unforgiving on the outside. You have to show you don't need him.

Once he realizes you don't need him, he'll be curious. And you need to protect yourself against his behavior.

I know you can do this. It will be difficult, but you can do this.

He has been talking to someone saying if we agree on monies, the cost for divorce is only around 1200.00. He wrote down how he figured we could divide the assets, he said to keep my Ira's and he would keep his as is even though it was lower. I can't get my IRA's till 59 1/2, so alot of good that extra monies will do me. The split city that we will share of income would not even touch the style of living we have now, so we would have to sell the house he said. He seems to have it all thought out and said he feels there is NO chance for us getting back together. I still say he is going back to the O/W. He is too eager to talk divorce all of a sudden. But for right now he will be giving me money for this house and bills, and he said he will let me know if he decides to do something else. Someone told him as long as he is married to me he is responsible for MY debts too. I think that scares him. And he knows he has to keep up this style of living I have now. But I said, who cares, your living rent free here in my moms and your happy, so there should be no reason not to pay the bills for awhile. I'm sure he wants to get out so he can return to the O/W. He said he doesn't love me or the lifestyle we had, he just wants to be happy, even if it means him going downhill. The O/W has money so maybe money will be no object if he stays with her. He said he didn't like that I wanted to know where he was all the time when he came back. I told him that was the only was I was able to get his trust back, and for him to prove to me that he was doing no wrong. That was his excuse for leaving again. Because I didn't trust him totally when he came back, and he said he was being true blue....... But to me, if he can say he doesn't love me anymore the that, then I don't think he loved me even when he came from her house..........I'm tired of thinking, thanks for listening and caring......... PS= I am NOT going to see him anymore or talk to him only when he gets in touch with me. I CANNOT do anything right when I see him, I'm just like a marshmellow, and I say everything wrong, so I can't see him................at all