This is me doing a major vent right now. I can say I feel like I am stuck at a real low part in my life. Everything between my soon to be ex (WS) and myself has been dragged out because she is being one big cake eater still even to this day. We don’t speak to each other any more and the only talk done is between lawyers. Believe me I want to get the divorce over with because this has been dragging out a real long time. I have moved on and have accepted this so called fait as you can call it of my WS cheating and walking away from the marriage. I went over two years plus with dealing with my emotions and the heart ache that it brought about. I have moved on in my life as best I can and at this point there are some final negotiations going on in the divorce. About two months ago I decide to give the dating and all a shot. I know a lot of you might think wait until the divorce is final but it is to me (it took me a long time to accept that) but just not quite there legally. I can’t spend my entire life just sitting around and not dating. I figured my divorce would have been final by now but it has been getting dragged out for about a year now. So I didn’t push anything and I figured if an opportunity came about I would go out on a date or so with someone. Well I met someone through some friends and we have gone out twice on I guess a more casual date (drinks & talking). She is divorced as well and we have a lot in common and we get a long well. I am 32 and she is 31. So I figured with her being 31 she would be past that age period of where a lot of people don’t know what they want in life. That mid to late twenty syndrome that gets the best of some people and they do a 180 in their life. I was thinking perhaps she might know what she wants in life. Well I am not looking to jump back into a marriage or anything like that but I thought it would be nice if we clicked to possibly date and see where it goes. I thought we did get along and the chemistry was there but hell what do I know of what goes on in a woman’s mind. Well I have been out of the dating scheme for some time but some of the stuff I heard her say makes me question if I want to date anyone these days. She said her and her girl friends usually go on any where from one to three dates a week with a different person each time. I guess you can call my old fashion but I didn’t like hearing that. You might be saying why I am saying all of this. Well I guess I got my hopes up that dating would bring something new upon my life and maybe the sun would shine for once and not behind a cloud like it has been for the past three years plus. I guess in some ways I got my hopes up that potentially since we seemed to click that things would go well. Well at this point we went out on Friday and at the end of the night she actually leaned in to give me a kiss goodnight. Once again I am old fashion and figured that wouldn’t happen until a few dates in. Well her last words were I will call you tomorrow (Saturday). Well I didn’t hear from her so late on Saturday evening I sent her a text message asking her if she wanted to see Blue Man group on Sunday. I had some tickets already that I needed to find someone to go with me so I figured what the hell. Well I got a text message back at 12:03 a.m. saying I would like to go but I can’t.
Here is where I am now; I just want to know why just once something can’t work out for me. I feel so down and that life can’t get any worse right now. I am just looking for that one thing to finally go my way. I know this book I just wrote might not make sense to a lot of people but I just feel like I am stuck in this rut and I can’t get out of it. I try hard and all but the ball never bounces my way. I am not trying to lean on anyone as in I need someone to date to be happy but it just seems like things just don’t want to work out for me…..

confused - guy - I would say, that she is just trying to have a good time, and that there is nothing more. Maybe the kiss was what she feels a guy wants. Maybe there was nothing more to it. If there was, she would of called Saturday. And the opportunity to go out on Sunday. Maybe she did have something else to do.

I wouldn't hold my breath for anything more. Sounds like she is trying to find herself. Oh yes, did you pay for the date or was it dutch? Some women I was told, will go out with a guy for free dinner, movies, etc. I really don't know why, but I would go dutch in the beginning.

For one thing, if I should ever start dating, I will want to go dutch. I don't want to owe this man anything. Some men think (I have been told) that if they pay for the dinner and etc. that they will get in return later in (BED) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> YUK!!!

I am of the old schooling. So no man will have the opportunity to share the bed. I will hold myself for my husband and no one else. My ex was the one who awakened me to the sexual part of life, for he was educated with previous women. He knew that I wasn't. And he taught me. But now that I am older. I want to hold my body for my husband in marriage. Nothing else will get in the way.

Confused guy - is there groups that you could join. A church, I have had so much fun with my church group. We have had home parties, playing games, cards, everyone bring a dish. This past week, we had a party at the church for 2 birthdays. It was a lot of fun. And this Saturday, I am going out again. We all have tickets, I was asked today if I would like to go. Yes, I will pay for my own ticket, cause a group of us are all going out. One day, I will invite a special person to go to the events of my church when the time comes.

Right now, you need to find yourself. Also, if you are not legally divorced, you should not date. That is the old schooling for me. But I do think that you need to find interests of yours to start getting into. I am going to join a bicycle club. There is a walking club too. There is so much to do in this world. That will be good for you emotionally and will increase the endorphins. Have you thought about taking a class in the fall. I will be taking a class this fall too. Hopefully, I will have a job by then. If not, I don't know what I will do financially.

You seem to be down in the dump. It is hard after so many years of being married and having your spouse. I know, this is difficult, and I don't wish a divorce on anyone. But there comes a time in your life after divorce that you have to move on. I am moving on, and it feels so good. To see that I am a good person. Which my ex still posts here and I read many many posts of his that stated me as the wiched witch of the west. I know I am a good person, I know that God loves you, God loves me, God loves you. Take control of your life and move on. It will be difficult. But you could take this time to get all your affairs in order. That is the most difficult step for me. For my ex left me with such a mess. I am getting papers thrown out and getting everything in order. Downsizing is important. For the kids don't really care about what possesssions I have. As well as their dads. Most of the stuff that I have as well as their fathers, will get thrown away or sent to charity. So I am downsizing. I even have some customers that I have just enlisted with that I am starting to help them downsize. For you can't take this stuff with you, and to many kids, it doesn't mean much. My kids are not too much into material things, so therefore I don't need half this stuff or even more.

Confused guy - life has many gifts for you. God has many gifts for you. Now is the time to search, find, and get your life in order.

Maybe this is not the time to date anyway. I figure I don't need to date, there is nothing pressuring me. Enjoy the environment that God gave us, and enjoy your time.

Hi - to be honest I think you are looking for too much with the first person you date. You won't find a new soul mate right away. Take it easy, just date for fun and if something good comes of it treat it as a bonus!

Thanks for the advice and what I read I appreciate the feedback. I did ask myself that question am I wanting too much from this person. I thought about this long and hard and my answer is that I am just wanting a break in anything right now. Seems like so much negative in the past several years something good would be great. Perhaps winning the lotto? Yeah, I wish. Well I am aware of women who just use a guy for a free dinner, ball game, etc.. Being old school it is hard to accept their money. Also there is that catch that if you accept their money they might think wow, this guy actually took my money kind of thing. I do have a lot of friends that I go out with and have fun with. I guess it is hard to just keep thinking that they will all just remain friends, but I know that is out of my hands. As far as me being active, I stay very active. I work out six days a week. I lift four days and run two days and take one day off. I am on a softball league again this year. I have donated a lot of my time to my brothers and sisters helping them out with things such as yard work, painting, moving, etc... I am getting my Harley worked on so I can start taking some rides when I am in one of those pitty moods while being at home. I am at home very little, just about to sleep, eat and to do my chores. There is a lot I do to stay busy, I am just looking for a break and hopefully that isn't in the respect of a bone in my body. I do understand the part of not dating until the papers are signed. Right now things are really nasty and things are getting dragged out. My WS is being that cake eater and wants it all her way. So this could be done in two weeks to another few months. You only live once and I am tired of having my life on the "pause" mode. I don't want to do something stupid to just get the divorce over with quicker because that will take something away that I shouldn't of given to the WS.

The thirtysomethings may have their heads screwed on straighter but watch out for the late 30 and early 40's. A shrink that my WW and I used to see told me that he sees it over and over again- women tend to go nuts (not his exact words) about then. My WW would be a prime example. As far as dating before the DV is final, you're a grown man and you have to make your own decisions but adultery is adultery. My WW justifies this A by saying she didn't start "dating" OM until after moveout day (I have evidence that indicates otherwise) and since we are seperated and she has filed for divorce its OK. My view is like it or not we are still married and "dating" someone else now is adultery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by deafjeff:
<strong> The thirtysomethings may have their heads screwed on straighter but watch out for the late 30 and early 40's. A shrink that my WW and I used to see told me that he sees it over and over again- women tend to go nuts (not his exact words) about then. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So... when the time comes to start dating again... are you saying I need to find a woman who is like post-menopausal...????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I'm going to be 28 this summer and honestly don't know if I EVER want to date again. I don't think I could handle some flaky 20-something partier...and I just don't know about dating someone older... who knows. I for one am definately waiting for the divorce to be final before doing anything....mostly just for my own sanity.


Confused-Guy...

I think you need to do something... anything out of the norm for your life. Join a team sport, take up some new hobbies, make your own luck. I think you are caught in a negative cycle where you are not seeing the good in anything. It happens to everyone, but the only way I know of to break the cycle is to change things up a bit. Ok, so it sounds like this chick you've been seeing is a flake... take it as that and move on. You CAN afford to be picky in who you date and spend your time with. You don't need to settle on the first one...or the second...or the third. Maybe make a pact with yourself that you'll flirt with one new woman a day and see where that leads you. Maybe promise yourself that for the first year your relationships will not progress past the "just friends" stage... this would probably include celabacy (but that is just me... trust me it won't kill you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) I think it is probably a bad idea to be wasting your time with someone who you are wondering about... in terms of morals or intentions... whatever. I don't mean to be telling you how to live your life... trust me I'm nobody who ought to give advice... but I have sort of been in your shoes, and I find that for me I need to just grab my lifestyle by the horns and give it a good shake sometimes. Just my opinion... I hope it doesn't come across as brash as I feel like it reads. Take care and Good Luck!

WMWB???
Just telling ya'll what one of the experts said. I do not even pretend to understand women but it looks like there is a 6 to 8 year window when they are sane. I am dreading dating again, its been 22 years and I wasn't very good at it then. Sometimes, I wish I was gay. Life might be simpler.

To the women out there that take offense to this, no 2X4s please. Lighten up, life is to short to be serious all the time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by deafjeff:
<strong> ...it looks like there is a 6 to 8 year window when they are sane. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And that would be what....42-ish to about 50 or so??? I know that is still young in the broader spectrum of things... but my Mom is only 52!!! I could NOT handle dating someone my mom's age. I think maybe the 25-33 crowd... then just take them with a grain of salt... they are what they are <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> !!!, be that nuts or not... kind of a case by case basis I guess.

I have this theory about the age of 25 that seems to prove itself true time and time again. That is, people invariably wake one morning in their 25th year and realize that they are not kids anymore and like things more grown up... not necessarily a wholesale change, but gradually a more grown up attitude starting in the 25th year. Meaning, the music a little more palatable and not just loud screaming, the cars a little less sporty and more comfortable, sports a little less contact and more mental in nature, food to be well prepared in a nice setting and not just bar and grille type or fast food... so on and so on. I have a hunch that this may extend to relationships as well... at least I'm hoping so. I was never any good at dating either... and thus not at all looking forward to it this time around either. I know there are nice women lurking out there somewhere... but I'll be damned if I know where to find 'em... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ May 18, 2004, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>

originally posted by WMWB???
And that would be what.....42-ish to about 50 or so???

No, I was thinking more like 28 to 36. Premenopausal. You get a few good years in then run like hell. The post menopausal ones always make me think of my grandmother............. I'm 47, so I guess I'll be one of those old guys that I used to comment about when I would see them in a restaurant "Aw, isn't that sweet. He's taking his daughter out to dinner."

As best I can I am changing the dance. I am doing things different in my life as well as trying to change up my life to get out of this slump. I am faced with only one real big decision right now and that is to buy the cake eater out of her share of the house or to sell it and up root and look some where else. Other then that I am doing things I want to do. I wish I had a bit more spending money because if that was the case I would take in some more concerts as well as some more baseball games.
If there are nice women lurking out there I would be suprised from just my observation. So many women now are players and I have seen if you are a nice guy and have morals you finish last. If you act like a jerk and all the ladies love you. Something wrong with this world because I see that being the case I would say 95% of the time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by deafjeff:
so I guess I'll be one of those old guys that I used to comment about when I would see them in a restaurant "Aw, isn't that sweet. He's taking his daughter out to dinner." [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ROTFLMAO...!!!!! Hey, good for you man!!! I keep hearing that women like older men...yet I don't ever see any 19 to 23 year olds looking longingly at me with any sort of interest... maybe I'm just doing something wrong. Maybe I need to dress like a bum and get some visible piercings...

C_G are you sure you have moved on? It sounds to me like you have some issues with women. Could be from being burnt to a crisp by your WW. I know the feeling. There are some good ones out there. So I've been told. I haven't been told what country they live in but I've been told they're out there. You might really consider selling and moving away. The house that my WW moved out of and left me with was my grandparents home and was built by my dad, a lot of sentimental value for me. My WW can't touch it in the DV. But noone I care about lives there anymore except me. As soon as the ink dries and my DV is final the For Sale sign is going up. Too many ghosts, I gotta get out of there. Depends on what kind of custody deal I get. I have to stay close enough to see my kids as much as possible. If I get custody (our only real battle and my attorney doesn't give me very good odds), we'll go as far away as we can.


WMWB???
I think that its women like older rich men. That leaves me out. If you are still in your twenties the 19 to 23 year olds may be too old. Try the high schools. Better check to see what the age of consent is in your state- high scools could be a really bad idea. I'm thinking about a couple of tattoos....................

I agree... moving might be just what the doctor ordered. I know that, depending on the custody outcome, I will likely move once the D is final...well probably in June of '05 (My son starts Kindergarten this fall and I won't pull him out mid-year). My W isn't contesting the house...I get that. Like you DJ, the kids are the only real battle. But, unlike you, my attorney gives me pretty good odds of getting custody. My fingers are crossed.

I was thinking a couple of wedding ring sized hoop earings in each ear then getting my hair spiked with bleached highlights. Then I could toss out the f-word two or three times in EVERY single sentence. That ought to attract the chicks. But younger??? I don't know, 19 to 23 would be fun for a while (...if you know what I mean <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ) but not exactly what I'm really looking for. Besides, that isn't the message I want sent to my kids. No, I think you were right with the 28-36 crowd. In which case, all I need to do is drive a car I can't afford, smoke like a stack, drink like a fish, and treat everyone like sh*t... not just women. At least that is what I see around here...

... buy a car I can't afford...

No joke this time, I have a bright yellow Cobra convertable picked out. Thats another one that is just waiting on the ink to dry on the paperwork. If there is anyway I can swing the payments, I'm getting it. I have always wanted a Cobra and I ain't getting any younger. Even if WW comes back from that far away planet and the life I thought I had returns, if there is anyway I can afford it, I'm doing it. Thats a me thing.

A Mustang Cobra or a Shelby Cobra...or a Cobra kit car? Either way... that is cool! Good for you. I'm looking at motorcycles myself. I'd really like to get a Harley... but I don't think I could swing those payments, so probably a Yamaha V-Star. I can't wait... I think I'll probably go from the courthouse to the dealership. Like you said... it's a "me" thing.

Mustang Cobra. I found a brand new '03 still at the dealer. An original Shelby would be in the budget if they still sold for what they did new. In the '60s. Not mechanical enough for a kit, if you can't fix it with a hammer, I'm out of luck. I get the motorcycle fever every spring and I got it bad about 2 years ago and it didn't go away. I drove a buddy's (I was the sober one)Mustang GT ragtop recently, top down, no state troopers around and it was a blast. When I saw this Cobra, motorcycle fever was cured. If I have to get divorced anyway, hurry up and get it over with before someone beats me to it.

Hold out for the 05 mustang. It is suppose to be a bas a##. It will pump out the largest amount of horsepower from any mustang ever built. The price tag might be up there but you only live once.

As far as selling the house I do understand about the ghost and all. It has been such a long time the ghost (she been moved out over 2.5 years and started all this about 3.5 years ago) I believe have left the building. I don't have issues with women I just have issues with women who like to play mind games. Life is way too short to be playing games throughout it. I do agree with the theory that if you just act like an a@@ the women seem to gravitate towards ya. If you are a decent guy they run away.

Nevermind.

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong> Nevermind. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was away from my computer all day yesterday... I feel as though I missed something...perhaps a differing point of view administered with a wicked cyber 2x4...??????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It is good to see my two buddies are alive and kicking...still with a good sense of humor too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Sorry to hear about the confusion, L&C. You've been going through this for so long, too long. I know how frustrating, painful, upsetting, and every other adjective you can think of it must be. But it seems like you are hanging in there fairly well given the circumstances and they say there is an end to it all. So try to hang in there until you see that end.

Things have quieted down for me. My wife tried to contest the divorce. Maryland is a "fault" state so there are implications. She filed countersuit on me accusing me of everything you can possibly think of; abuse, mental abandonment, excessive cruelty, adultery. Just about everything she is guilty of. They are all lies, of course, so she can't prove anything. In fact, I kept all of the emails between us for the last year and a half and they are all me telling her how much I love her, how I am ready to forgive her, yada, yada. Hardly anything that sounds cruel or that would suggest that I abandoned her. We also have about 20 witnesses lined up that will attest to how well I treated her and to her adultery (exposing the affair paid). She has no witnesses. Also, I still have the children. She sees them every other weekend, or two weekends a month. We don't talk anymore either. I've tried to talk to her at times, but she refuses. So, what can you do? Someday, somewhere I wives will look back on this and say, "what in the world was I thinking?". But for now...we move on.

But all in all, things are going well for me. It's just me and the children. As far as dating, I think it may take you some time to get in the swing of things. Like you said, it's been awhile since you were on the scene. Times have changed. Besides, the wounds from your wife I'm sure are still fresh. It is a challenge to me not to talk about how crazy my wife is when I meet other women (even though it is rare I meet other women. I have been too busy preparing for school). But when your wounds are somewhat healed, I'm sure you will happen across the right woman, or the right woman will happen across you. WMWB, I'm sure you will find the right person this time around too. But like we talked about before, would it ever be like it could have been if...? Who knows?

It's good to see you all are doing okay though.