I am not presently living in FL but my H is as well as that is where our house is and all the "stuff." I don't want a D and will drag my feet as much as i can and as SH says hopefully time will help my situation. I received a letter from my H a couple of days ago saying that he was going to be filing for a D soon. I guess i'm just info gathering here because i don't have any money to go to a lawyer and don't know where to go to get a lawyer. i asked my mom yesterday to talk to a cousin of ours who is a lawyer but he is in yet another state. anyway, in the mean time, can someone fill me in on the specifics. thanks.

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 12:26 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

I don't have any legal info for you but something struck me as odd.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I received a letter from my H a couple of days ago saying that he was going to be filing for a D soon</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why is he warning you. Would he do this just so you are not shocked when it happens or is he looking for a reaction from you.

How soon is soon? I can understand if he said "I am going to file for D on Thursday"

Thats like telling your kids that if there not ready "soon" you'll leave without them. You won't really leave without them but you say it to get them to respond.

JMHO
WIWH

WIWH, the only thing i can really say is that he is trying to prepare me and make himself feel better. you can read the whole letter and what SH said to do about it on my thread under the GQII forum that says "letter from H, needing something here,....." maybe that might give you more of an idea?

you brought up some good questions (why my H said what he did) and wish i had thought of them to ask SH but oh well...

<small>[ May 19, 2004, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

I can understand you wanting to get leagal advice and you should.

Butr based on his letter, I would say that you should stick to your best plan A.

It doesn't sound like he is really wanting to file.

I've told my W that I thought I needed to move on because I felt I had no choice.

Have you spoken too him since this letter?

i guess my question is did you read the letter?

i have "always" felt and still do, that he wants ME to file. but it just ain't going to happen.

i just received the letter monday night and didn't want to do anything until i talked to SH which i did today. SH advised me not to call him but right a rebuttal letter and then give time for him to receive it and read it and then call him. i have been and will continue to try to be very strategic in any and all interactions i have w/my H even if it's one way. by that i mean SH advised me to try to contact or intiate contact w/my H every other day. the idea was to keep him thinking of me and not let him compartmentalize everything. even if he didn't read my email, listen to my message, or read what i sent in the mail, he would sitll think "roughroad" and then throw it away or whatever.

so, that's a small snapshot of my "plan." you could read more about my story by reading my post under the GQII forum that reads "sessions w/Steve Harley and the plan." i don't know how to do the link thing, can anyone tell me how to do this?

from your reply, i take it that you are a FWS, is that correct? please correct me if i'm wrong. i also wanted to say that i really like the quote in your signature line. i wrote it on a piece of paper an put up on my wall in my office. i also wrote it on a post it and left it on the computer at our house when i was there in march. thanks for the dialogue, it's kind of got my mind off of being depressed. prayers to you.

Yes I read the letter. the kind that no one wants but so many recieve

Actually I am a BS who was asked to leave!

Good luck on your reply to him and I'm sorry I don't have any legal advice for you.

WIWH

I sought legal advice in FL. Wasn't comfortable with this lawyer. I felt like all answers were walking around the question (or point) and I am more the direct approach.
Anyways what type of questions do you need answers too?
From what I could gather: this is a no fault state, I am entitled to half of my husbands retirement, I am entitled to alimony (even though I have mainly been a SAHM, I do have a degree so time frame for alimony would be just enough to get me on my feet), date of separation started when H stated he wanted a D and went out of town (it didn't matter that his stuff is still here and that he basically has been out of town, for work, for several months.).
I had more questions because children are involved.
What really blew my mind was when the lawyer told me that an uncontested D can be done in 30 days. WOW. That's with kids and almost 16 years of marriage. Granted who really gets done in 30 days, but it was still shocking.
I would rather save my marriage and it sounds like you are the same way. It was hard seeking legal advice. Save your marriage if you can, but if it can't be saved protect yourself and know your legal rights.
Hoped it helped.

lost rainbow,
wow, that's amazing about the uncontested D but i know that will never be my case so let's just move on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

i guess some specific questions would be and forgive me if i ramble.

how much does it cost when someone files?

i've been living in another state since last october so how does this play a role? even if i just found out about the A in february?

what are the ways in which a spouse "serves" the other?

what happens when one spouse contests?

what kind of time frames are we looking at? 45 days, 60 days, etc.

what are some things that i can do to prolong everything once the paperwork is filed?

how does infidelity play a role if any?

when it's said that the spouse is entitled to half, what spouse are we talking about here and half of what? we have no assesets except a house, i've been supporting us financially for the past 4 years and still do. we have A LOT of bills and if he's entitled to half then he should have to take half of the bills.

i am and will continue to drag my feet for as long as i can. my h cannot sell the house w/out my consent now how that will turn out (will he just say okay, you don't want to sell the house, then see ya) i don't know but it's just a fact.
i can quit my job and move back to FL but i don't want to. i have a very good job and don't think i could find a non-stressful nursing job that i have right now. i don't mind not working as a nurse but when you have the kind of bills that we have i would have to have a minimal amount of income and that's not on every street corner.

the other way to look at it, at least by me anyway, is that say my H does want to work on our M and agrees to NC (please God) then what would be better than for me to already have a job in another state and place to live and then my H can come here and we can leave that state behind us. we never intended on living there for the rest of our lives anyway, we were only there because i was stationed there when i was in the military. that's why i'm where i'm at now is because i separated from the military and my H was supposed to graduate on may 1st and then come up here and we would start the next phase of our lives. of course he met the OW in a one of his classes last fall and i'm sure you can guess the rest of the story.

anyway, does that answer your questions? thanks for replying and prayers to you as well.

roughroad
I would advice legal counsel for those questions. I am one just getting into this process and like I stated earlier I will be seeking other legal advice, because I didn't feel that my own questions were truely answered.
If you have a drivers license, a job, and residece in another state why can't you file in that state?
My limited understanding with infidelity is that it plays no part in the D. That is part of my M history, lawyer was told, and it seemed to make no difference.
I was told a contested divorce could take up to a year, but then I hear those stories that take 2plus years.
Earlier I stated that I was entitled to have of H retirement. House would be the same. We are fortunate in that our outside debit (other than car) is almost zero. That was something we actively strove for throughout the years.
You also have to understand that each individual case is different. I wish I could help more. Good luck to you.

thanks again rainbow,
even though i do live in another state i'm only living w/a friend and paying her money for rent. i do list that address for work (which is yet in another state) and for some bills but other than that haven't changed "residency." i still have my driver license from FL as well as license plates, insurance, etc.

i'm sure i could file despite all those things but i WILL NOT be the one that files so i don't think that's an issue. if i'm able to contest for a long time i will and many people including steve harley, have assured me that they don't think that the OW will hang around for that long (say 2 years). i'm not counting on that only that is something in my mind to help me get through this and help validate my reasons for dragging my feet.

wish you strength in your situation and God Bless, RR

You can be served papers though a warrant officer, sheriff’s office, type person, through certified mail or in person. It depends on how acrimonious your husband expects you to be.

Some states require a waiting period, some allow you to force your spouse into marital counseling. A few states allow you to sue for cause, like infidelity. A good online source is www.divorcesupport.com. They have information by state.

If you don’t want a quick divorce, you will probably have to get a lawyer.

One thing you should know is where your divorce, should your husband filed, will be executed. For this, you may need a lawyer.

And being out of the marital home for a length of time can be detrimental to your claims in some states.

The more I think about this the more it sounds like if you have any assets to speak of, you can’t afford not to get a lawyer. This is very complicated.

I am from FL, and have been through "one-sided" div. so I'll try to answer some of your ??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> how much does it cost when someone files?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Usually any lawyer will want a retainer, at least. It cost me $1500 up front $$

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i've been living in another state since last october so how does this play a role? even if i just found out about the A in february?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
All that is required is that one partner wants a div. and that "filing party" (in this case your WH) have claimed residency in this state (FL) for 6 months. That might be why he is telling you he is going to file. He might be waiting till some kind of "residency proof" - whether it be a mailing addy, or elec bill or dr. license shows a full 6 months.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what are the ways in which a spouse "serves" the other?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
A process server is required. They will come to your house, or place of work, and ask to speak to you, and you will recieve the div. papers by hand.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what happens when one spouse contests?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You can do this without a lawyer, but since ther's lots of filings to petition the court w/ I wouldn't recommend it. Contesting the div simply means you are saying, "No, I DO NOT agree to div." it won't stop it, but delay it. I delayed our for a full year. Didn't change H's mind, just p*ssed him off! There will be a couple of court hearings, etc. to see if the spouses can "work it out." This is the purpose of delay. To try to get him to talk to you about stuff. If his mind's made up, I don't think it will serve any purpose. That's what happened to me, anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what kind of time frames are we looking at? 45 days, 60 days, etc.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
Again, you can only delay so long, but your atty would know the legal limits of how long you can hold off before you send an answer to each pettition, so that's another way of delaying.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how does infidelity play a role if any?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Absolutely NONE in a no-fault state. NO ONE CARES why anybody wants a div. If they want one, they can have it in FL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">when it's said that the spouse is entitled to half, what spouse are we talking about here and half of what? we have no assesets except a house, i've been supporting us financially for the past 4 years and still do. we have A LOT of bills and if he's entitled to half then he should have to take half of the bills.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Yeah, well............"he SHOULD.........."
I did not get told "entitled to half....." EVERYTHING was negotiated in our mediation settlement. H wanted NOTHING........just wanted O-U-T.
There was no arrangement like "he gets half....."

A mediation atty sat us both down, and everything we had listed as marital assets was discussed. Anything that was in dispute had to be mediated as to who would take possession.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>the other way to look at it, at least by me anyway, is that say my H does want to work on our M and agrees to NC (please God) then what would be better than for me to already have a job in another state and place to live and then my H can come here and we can leave that state behind us. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GOOD POINT!!!

There ya have it...........from my perspective, having BTDT.
Hope this helps.

God Bless,

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

Lupo, yes, it does help and i appreciate you taking the time to give so much information. i did do a little research this morning and found out that even though it may not stop the D, contesting can delay it, even up to a year if it takes that much time to go to court. the only time adultery comes into play is if i can prove that he spent money on the OW and that will be taken in consideration as far as alimony, and bills, etc. also that if just one spouse does not agree that the M is irretreivably broken then the judge can order counseling, a try at reconciliation, mediation, etc. doesn't mean they will order it only that it can be ordered.

my H does not have that kind of money to pay for a retainer so that's one in my favor. i don't either but i'm not the one that's pursuing a D. i'm sure that he is just making enough money to pay the bills that he's been taking care of recently plus, taking care of the OW, even if it's just dinner it still costs $, now that's not to say that she wouldn't give him the money to file for a D. i don't know a lot about her but i could imagine myself in a position where i loved someone and would do anything i could to be w/that person if you know what i mean. as far as i know her family is not wealthy but she's not exactly out in the street either.

i asked my mom on tuesday to contact a cousin of ours who is a lawyer who i believe will help me a lot but he is yet in another state and not sure how much he can do. but anyway, i'm still going to drag my feet and if it ticks my H off, oh well, i'm prepared for that, meaning i don't really care because Lord knows he ticked me off by doing this. maybe if he gets mad and annoyed he will start to take that out on the OW who will in turn start to LB him, etc. gotta go and thanks for the info, prayers to you.

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

My Fl D became final March. Yes It can be done in 30 days. The only manditory wait in 20 days after filing before you can have the hearing. Mine was uncontested, so once my attorney drew up the agreement all that had to be done was sign, file and wait 20 days. I also filed "ex-parte'", meaning only one of us had to show for the hearing. I spent about 3.5 minutes in the judges chambers, testifying the the M was terminaly broken, and it was done (WW didn't even show up). As far as residency, I'm in the military and not an Fl resident. All I had to do was bring a friend to testify that I'd lived here for the last six months. Total cost (not including 9 months of emotional anguish):$450+$165 filing fee. If only it would have stopped there; I still get calls from XW wanting me to bail her out of yet another financial/child care mess.

Just my .02! It's an ugly thing to go through, but I walked away knowing I did everything I could to save the M. No regrets here! XW and OM got evicted last month...So much for that "better life" she was looking for!

thanks hangon for the info,
i will always contest everything and that's just one of the ways that i can prove to myself that i did everything i could. i'm not saying that if someone doesn't contest that they didn't do everything but for ME, i will always contest. i am aware however, that no matter how much i contest it still may result in a D.

thanks again and prayers to you.