I'm so confused. My entire life has been flipped 180 in the last month. I was trying to work Plan A with my H up until this weekend. I found out that he's been cheating with my former best friend. I don't know what to do with myself.

I was committed to working on my marriage, until this. I was willing to compromise and give him time, until now. I was willing to work on myself so that I could become a better partner, until now. Apparently this has been going on for "a while" (whatever that means, neither of them will tell me). I'm angry at them both, and just desperately want them BOTH out of my life.

After 11 years, you would think you would know someone. Now he's saying that they are "in love"...I'm heartbroken, devastated, and I feel completly hopeless. I can't figure out why I would even want the marriage to work at this point! Why would I want someone so deceitful in my life at all??

Any advice??? I could really REALLY use some responses!

Sara

Jayden, it sounds like you just hit "D-Day".

I just went through an incredibly painful 10 month period. I am now ending the M due to my W never coming clean regarding her A or trying to work on our marriage. She never wanted to discuss it and reiterated the classic lines of "it was never about him, only the issues between us which you did not see." I finally could not stand the continuous lying and deceipt last week. I meet with a lawyer tomorrow.

She basically could not let go of the past and a few problems that occurred between us. She never showed true remorse, never asked for forgiveness, etc.

You may want to give this some time to really think if you want to try and work on this...however, I learned the hard way it really does take a committment from both people and that never happened in my situation. He needs to tell you at least the basics of what occurred and seriously implemement no contact. I can guess he will not want to do this. If you keep meeting his needs (and not be a doormat) he may come around. But, I will tell you, this is very hard to do without getting anything in return.

And then I would say, why stay with someone who does not want to be with you? I am sorry if this hurts. But it hurt more to go through the hell I just went through. I should have ended it last fall.

Good luck and prayers.

JaydenCrown,

First things First .. take a DEEP BREATH and calm down <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know it's hard to do. I think you should post your message over on the JFO ( just found out ) board .. in your headlines ask for Cerri , Starfish or hope4future to reply .. or coffeeman they are much better prepared to give you advice..

You say you were already working on a Plan A .. GREAT keep doing that .. in the mean time keep reading and learning about this site .. I'm sorry you are going thru this and the things you are feeling are natural.. TRUST me on that ... and
Unfortunately this is only that start of the Roller coaster.. the best things you can do is take care of yourself at the moment .. talk to your doctor and see about getting some anti depressants ..and sleeping aids if your not sleeping ..

You might want to consider ordering a couple of the books from here or go down to your local library and order them .. it will help .. like I said make sure you post over on the JFO there are some great people on that board that will help .. take care .. L&C

JDC - whoa, slow down. D-day is the hardest day of any betrayed spouse. I remember that day. I was so devastsed, couldn't eat, sleep, drink or want to live.

Do Plan A, find a counselor is always a must. And one of the many things that many of us did, was get on a anti-depressant. Many of us were suicidal, and needed the extra benefit of medication.

I would keep posting here. Take it easy, and try to relax and take time for yourself. As I recall, it seemed that my days were only 12 hours long. Things were spinnning around so fast that I couldn't even watch TV. There is so much that is happening with your body. For the emotions take over, and it a a big crash.

You found out, that is step 1. Don't be afraid to find out more. Get a PI if you need one. Get ready for more setbacks. Just try to not do go ballistic. I did, and it only hurt me more, it doesn't affect the betrayer. Remember, they only see themselves, they only see things their way, and they don't want to look in the mirror. Part of the wayward spouse.

This is going to be a hard road. There will be many roller coaster rides. And anger will be spilled out.

J, they say not to make any decisions right away. Your emotions are too strong to allow you to make a good decision. They also say that your instincts will usually lead you wrong.

There is some good news though. First, you’ve already been doing plan A. So, while your pain is fresh, you’re already weeks ahead. Second, you’ve found out. You now know at least one reason why your spouse hasn’t been responding as hoped. And you now have the essential information you need to make your decision.

Once the agony wears off, and it will, you’ll be ready to consider moving to Plan B., Plan B will get your husband out of your life quickly but without the finality of a divorce.

And by the way I’m sorry.

Thanks for the responses...I'm trying to learn a lot quite quickly...I'm lost on one thing though, what's Plan B?

I'm trying to not be irrational, I'm trying to do things to take care of myself and to work on myself so that one day I might be happy again. Crazy as it sounds, I do still want to work on the marriage between he and I, but I have to accept that he does not want to be with me anymore...therefore is not willing to work on the marriage.

I am in therapy with a wonderful therapist who specializes in Grief and Loss...I'm working very hard with her to somehow cope with all of this insanity.

I don't want a divorce. I don't want my life to be so out of control. I trusted, I loved, and I lost. As much as I don't want any of that, I also don't want him to hurt me anymore. Period.

He's not willing regardless of how willing I am...what do I do next?

Sara

In plan B, you write a nice letter saying to your wayward spouse, look, I love you and I want to stay married to you. I’m sorry for my part in creating an environment which made the affair possible. (Note: you didn’t say you caused him to have an affair. Just that because you weren’t meeting all his needs or you weren’t protecting him against your worst side, he was vulnerable to falling for someone else.) The pain of your continued contact with OW is too great. In order to protect my love for you and make reconciliation possible, I will not have any contact with you while you are still seeing OW. Please make communicate arrangements for the children and emergencies through Friend Z.

Your loving wife, Sara.

Naturally, you’ll flesh it out a little. Name one or two things you’re sorry for. Post it here first and share it with your therapist of course. And you should figure out what you’ll do if you have to move out. Just make sure you take the children.
When’s your next appointment?

Oops. The purpose of plan B is to give you a break from his hurtful behavior. And to give him time to miss you and find out that OW is not all he fantasized she was. Plan B can take a while. Months although sometimes it only takes weeks.

Jayden,

Breathe...

Try this site it's been a great help to me.

www.restorem.org

Jayden:

I recall your previous posts from the Emotional Needs area of the board, and I am sorry to find that my hunch was right. Your H sounds very typical of someone in an affair; they are amazingly predictable...

Harley has written a series of articles that you may find helpful: Coping With Infidelity . Each links to the next. I would suggest you start by reading those.

Good luck...

Kathi

Since you have been doing Plan A, you may be willing to move to Plan B as GG says. Be sure that you've done a full Plan A...including exposure.

Here's an excellent rehash of Plan A by Cerri (who is a MB trained coach):

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)

Now, Plan B IS all about you, the betrayed partner. It's about getting you out of and away from a situation that is horribly painful and, let's face it, degrading. Plan B is taking the stance that enough is enough and that although you want the marriage to succeed you will no longer be part of a triangle. And that you care enough about the marriage to know that you need to protect the love you still have for your partner.

Now, nowhere in any of that is the idea that the faithful partner needs to make life easy and comfy for the straying spouse!! No need to bend over backwards to be a doormat. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">