My seperation has been a very nasty and controlling one on both ends. My H is now filing after 5 years and I am terrified to the point where I don't want to show up i court.
Alot of things have been done and said to one another. If brought up in court alot of nasty things could come out on both ends. I don't want that to happen but I think he does.
He keeps telling me that Lawyers need to do what they need to do. That he would have no control over what his lawyer does to me in court.
I find that hard to believe. I asked him why he has not let me see the boys for as long as he says.
He tells Mb it is because he is afraid of OM showing up and then he tells me that he does not want me taking them away during one of my visits.
He contradicts himself all the time.
I cannot afford a lawyer and don't know what to do from here.
Do I show up in court knowing I am going to be torn to shreds because he has a lawyer and I dont.
Or do I just let it go and await the outcome.

<small>[ May 20, 2004, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: lucidity ]</small>

Why can he afford a lawyer but you can’t? If you were a SAHM, you might be able to get your STBX to pay for your legal fees. Many lawyers will give you a free interview to see if you want to use them. You need to get on this because not showing up for court will have a lot of long-term repercussions far worse than the temporary pain of having all your transgressions trotted out. If it’s really bad, you may be able to ask the court to seal the documents so that your children’s emotional healthy won’t be jeopardized by exposure to the information.

With minimal income, you are likely eligible for legal aid. It would be in your best interest to contact the nearest office, and apply. You've got nothing to lose by doing so.

From my experience in dealing with my divorce, the emotional flame throwing was done through affadavits sent back and forth... nothing actually got to a judge. And family lawyers are expecting there to be emotional crossfire. Their job is to veer away from the emotions, and just stick to the legal issues.

Not showing up in court is not advisable. Even if you have no arguments against your H's claims, you should still show up. It just looks good to the court. Besides, if you want to see your boys, you MUST be there, at least to allow for standard visitation to be ruled in your case.

I can't see how your case could be going immediately into a trial.... so in that sense, you might be putting the cart before the horse.

MB should have taught you that baby steps is the key to healing. So in your case right now, your first baby step, IMO, would be to contact legal aid to see if you're eligible (they won't be able to tell you over the phone, most likely you'll have to actually go in to their office).

Keep on posting and asking questions as you need to. It's important to have as much knowledge and information as possible.

Karen

Karen's right, nothing goes to trial right away.
You need to understand your rights, particularly regarding custody of your children.
If possible, get to your county courthouse, and ask them for information. Many states have a parent information session to answer common questions on custody. This material is typically in writing, and can probably answer some of your intial questions - without a lawyer.

There are also alot of books available, including at the library on divorce.
Remember, emotions cloud logic, and you are both working from emotions at this stressful time.

I am trying to be very careful here. I was very hurt the way I found out he was filing. I was suppose to possabley meet half way for my boys again and We agreed I would call after work.
I started calling around 7pm and there was no answer. I was worried because so much was going on with him and some of our family members. I was starting to panic. I must have called a million times. I left messages for him to just let me know everyone was okay. He never did. I finally found my boys at their grandmothers home for the weekend and He was at a concert with some friends for the weekend. (In dallas) which is about 20 minutes from my home.
When he finally called on Sunday around 9pm he told me the reason he did not call me was because he was pulling away and beginning a new life. Everytime I have asked for time with my boys alone he gets upset.
This leads to my question. H believes that he is a wonderful person who has been waiting for his wife to come home. When he told me that it he was filing I asked him if he was sure. I explained to him that I had done all that he had asked of me but the moving situation was going to cost money that I did not have. I asked him if he did want me back what were his reasons.
He said that he is lonely. That when I come to visit the boys he wants me and I turn him down eevery time. I told him I understood.
I have taken a week off of work on the first of next month.
I want to go down there and discuss a peacfull resolution to all of this.
Should I wait awhile or should I just let him do his thing.

I'd make sure I'd talked to a lawyer FIRST!

lucidity, you know why your H won't let you have the boys for visitation. It's b/c the OM is still in the picture. He is KNOWN to be violent... how often have you called the police on him in the past?

Are you still in contact with the OM? If so, then your H should NOT let the boys be around you, b/c OM's presence is nothing but negative. If not, then you need to PROVE that to your H. How to do that? Ask your H again, if you've forgotten what he's told you. (I don't recall what he needs for you to do... but it's not my business anyways. That's strictly between you and him, and perhaps a mediator; court appointed or not).

I know you're scared lucidity. (((((((( A ))))))) This whole process is hard on everyone involved. What I find that helps me, is to focus on what is best for the CHILDREN. It really helps to remove me from my emotional state at times. Perhaps that can be your focus too? Your boys. What they need is what is most important in all of this.

Let us know how you're doing, and what info you've gotten from a lawyer, legal agency, the courthouse, etc.

Take care,
Karen

Topie..
OM is in the picture strickly for OC.
I spend no time with him outside of him having visits with OC. I can't change what has happened in the past.
I watch him closely and monitor his behavior.
At this point I cannot take OC away from OM.
I have allowed him in OC life and they are very close. Your right about not calling the police in the past ( I should have) I can't make up for all the mistakes that I made.
People change Topie.
and it has taken me a long time to come out of the fog.
Empty would have me pay for it the rest of my life I think
I know you think this is about OM only but its not.
Its about me coming to Houston and not giving it up. You know what he said.
The only reason he would stay with my at this point is because he likes my parts.
I am so much more than that Topie and that is how I have been treated by him and OM.I wanted to matter. I wanted to be more than his playboy bunny. I wanted him to love me because I was a good mom and good woman.
I lost focus on us. I started resenting and then started searching. Searching for someone who didnt want his wife sleeping with other people while he watched. Searching for someone who loved me and respected me outside the bedroom.
In the end I found that it was me who allowed myself to be constantly disrespected by men.
It was me who put myself in all those situations, thinking they would love me more.
Our wedding vows meant nothing to either one of us.
We damaged our sacred vows together and this is a mess created by both of us.
I take full blame because of my actions and my leaving.
I don't feel that H has changed at all. I go to houston and his walls are covered in woman.
His personal profile on yahoo states that he is a muff diver.
My mom said it best. H has not changed he is just going on to another phase in his life.

lucidity:

Your posts are different now. You're a person now, not someone's "property." It DID take you a long time 2 come out of the fog, but you're doing it. You needed 2 realize it's for YOU, nobody else, and you're doing that.

Happiness isn't just having someone wanting 2 be with you. Happiness starts within. It's being able 2 love yourself as a valuable person.

Yes, you still have work 2 do. We all do. You still expect H2Y 2 "come around" and see your changes. He may or may not. That's up 2 him. He's not your problem.

Making your family work is, though. It's complicated because you have kids from 2 different fathers. That will make "coparenting" more difficult, but not impossible.

I think you can do it.

best,
-ol' 2long

I took a Divorce Recovery class again.
I recommend it for everyone.
They usually hold them at churches.
You really learn alot about yourself.
I did not think my childhood had any bearing on how I would behave in relationships.
It does.
I was severly abused by my father and sexually abused for 5 years by my babysitter and a man who was a father figure to me.
I thought I had dealt with it.
I was not recognizing abuse as abuse because abuse to me was very very violent, anything outside of that was acceptable to me.
If I could do anything to keep someone loving me I did it, even though it meant loosing my self respect.
I am slowly working on myself.
I guess what I am trying to say is that we all have issues. If we don't work on those issues we just keep bringing them into every relationship we have.
You know what.
I may never be invited on a Journey to the Moutaintop. I will one day get there on my own.

Now you're talkin'!

-ol' 2long

Lucidity, I think you are on track. Have applied for legal aid? You must have a lawyer, otherwise, you’ll be stuck. I’m trying to catch up on your story. And do concentrate on what's best for the childnre

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 11:29 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>