I am beginning to heal. Piece by piece my heart is coming back together. (Hence the sign in name)

I have a question though....

X to be wants to move out of state and take the kids with her. She had an A and I failed to meet her needs. OK. I don't want a divorce, actually want to learn how to meet her needs, but she doesn't want to spend the time. Ok fine. Can't control her decisions.

But how is it in the best interest of the children, who are very close to me, to take them away to another state so she can heal. Doesn't make sense. It is not about us. We were too childish to work out our marriage. It is all about our children and their well being. Taking their father out of their lives. Makes no sense.

Any advice would be helpful here.

I am beginning to heal.
From what?

X to be wants to move out of state and take the kids with her.
Are you divorced? Does she have sole custody? Is it in the decree both parents must agree on moving more than xx miles from the other?

If you are still married, do what you can with a lawyer to keep her from moving.

OK. I don't want a divorce,
Is she your ex or not?

but she doesn't want to spend the time. Ok fine. Can't control her decisions.
No, but you can control yours.

But how is it in the best interest of the children, who are very close to me, to take them away to another state
It's not.

Have you read, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley?
Read the links below.

Great book.

We are not divorced yet. Just working through it. I guess that is what you call.

I am working on controlling my actions and I feel like I am doing good. Still painful at times. Hard to not act on emotion.

I am healing from the lies and deceit. I am healing by reading the bible and other helpful lit.

How do I get the message that it is not in the best interest of the kids?

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 11:31 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

It doesn't matter whether you can convince her that it is not in the kids' best interest to move - it only matters whether she can convince the judge that it is. If you are a reliable father who spends a significant amount of time with your kids, most judges will not let her move out of state - at least they wouldn't in my state. If she wants to move away, she should go by herself. Have you filed for primary custody?

Nellie--

Thanks for the insight. It is my understanding that in this state there is a "presumption" of the best interest that I have to overcome. That is that b/c she is a stay at home and the "mother" that she needs her support in order to be a good mother to the kids.

That is my challenge b/c I have had a business fail and financially it is very tough now. With the increasing legal bills, wow.

I am a great father. Her attorney filed for temporary sole legal and physical. It was granted b/c she stated mental, emotional and verbal abuse. For the first time in our marriage I yelled at her the night I found out about the affair. Sorry -- the A hurt.

In my situation, my EXH had the Affair and WANTED me to move out of state with our 2 girls. Said he didn't want any family responsibilities and this was the easiest way FOR HIM etc... Yes, he was ONCE very close to his children but as they became teens, he drifted further from them - that's when he left in 10/03 (daughters 16 and 14 yrs old).

Back to your original question - your wife moving out of state with your children. - I would like to say that given the opportunity, I would have preferred to stay in the same state where our girls spent most of their years. However, under the circumstances that were forced upon us, we had to move back to Michigan to live with family and receive financial and emotional support.

My daughters have and continue to suffer emotionally. They have not seen their father since 12/03 and only talk with him 1x per week, average 2 minutes each (that's because he has nothing to say to them!) and he believes the OW is his LIFE and not his children. Personally, each day he is losing his girls by not being around them, not telling them they are loved, not spending any time with them. He does not see them smile, grow, or be there to support them in good times and bad. He is a dad that is no longer "there" - long gone, missing, dead is what the girls feel about him.

My Opinion: PLEASE try to keep the children in your life. keep them close to you - She had the Affair, you did not. Why should YOU PAY THE PRICE FOR HER ACTIONS? If she takes the kids away from you, it will be harder on your children as well as devastating for you too. I would like to add that if she does move away, you need to think about HOW OFTEN you'll visit your children, how often you'll talk with your children. Do you have a plan? Personally, I'd rather see my father in person than just "talk" with him all the time. - Bonding cannot take place over the phone, long distance. Get a Good Lawyer and fight for your rights.

Still trying to figure out how my EX (who was so kind, caring, compassionate) could walk away from everything, including his children? - I just don't get it; maybe I should stop trying?

Sitting, Hurting and Praying in Michigan.....

Me (41) BS
WH (42)
1/03 - 1st dday
9/03 - 2nd dday
10/03 - WH moves out to lives w/OW - divorce initiated
12/03 - I move back home, now surrounded by family & friends.

WH still in the fog and showing no signs of coming out!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StopTheSelfPityParty:
<strong> It is my understanding that in this state there is a "presumption" of the best interest that I have to overcome. That is that b/c she is a stay at home and the "mother" that she needs her support in order to be a good mother to the kids.

It was granted b/c she stated mental, emotional and verbal abuse. For the first time in our marriage I yelled at her the night I found out about the affair. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This must be a joke, right? If one night of yelling at her about an affair is mental and emotional abuse, what is her affair called? The affairs must be 100 times worse than that on you. Obviously, she greatly abused you. What is wrong with the law?

How can she be the best person to care for the kids when her actions led to the destruction of your marriage and family? Again, the law seems messed up to me.

VLynn--

I wish someone could get to my WS. She will not listen to anyone except her parents who are encouraging the move. (She will live with them. Oh and the attorneys who are racking up the bills.)

It hurts a lot to see that I might lose these kids. If I do, I know that I will do whatever I can to make sure that I am in their lives.

Like I have said before, I pray each day for a miracle.

I have seen the damage of "parent seperation" first hand and it hurts knowing that I cannot do a thing about what her decision is going to be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StopTheSelfPityParty:
<strong> VLynn--

I wish someone could get to my WS. She will not listen to anyone except her parents who are encouraging the move. (She will live with them. Oh and the attorneys who are racking up the bills.)

It hurts a lot to see that I might lose these kids. If I do, I know that I will do whatever I can to make sure that I am in their lives.

Like I have said before, I pray each day for a miracle.

I have seen the damage of "parent seperation" first hand and it hurts knowing that I cannot do a thing about what her decision is going to be. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

You do have a decision. So you must be careful and make it come from your heart. Remember to have faith. Try to treat her as you would want to be treated. May God bless your. There are such things as miracles. You just have to have faith.

Hi

Sounds like you are going in the right direction except now you have to get mad.
Truly, don't allow her to railroad you.
Nobody has the right to take your children away from you.
I can't imagine any judge would allow it; based on financial alone. Your soon to be ex is going have to learn to survive where you are.

You have to get into court as soon as you can and get visitation in order and be firm, and tell your wife that she is NOT going to take the children out of state.

Your children have a right to have their father. Now go fight for them.

You're in my prayers.

wiz

Thanks Wiz. I am trying my best to fight.

can't understand why I can't see the kids. Surely she can appreciate the relationship with a father. Perhaps not though.

I read the last post about not seeing your kids and from my own personal experience, I so regret that my kids relationship with their dad faltered due to our divorce. My ex was acting very crazy, but we still honored the visitation. I wish that he had been more reasonable and that i could have let the kids stay with him more often. No court will keep you from having visitation, but if she chooses to be nasty she find ways to keep you away, like if you are more than 15 minutes late, you don't get them. But you will get visitation, don't worry.

Ok I read some other posts and know a little more. If she moves, you should move too. I know that sounds extreme, but be as close to your kids as you possibly can. I don't know if you can afford it, but fight her for custody or for 50/50 custody. (Half the time with you, half with her) I personally think that is hard for the kids, but you sound like a good guy and she is the whacko. I don't blame you for yelling at her when you found out about the affair. You are only human and I am sure that hurt. Take care of you...

I will tell you that when I INITIALLY went and counseled with 6 separate attorneys regarding moving out of state with the girls, ALL Attorneys said: You Cannot Move Out of State UNLESS you have 100% Consent from their father.... (again, my EX signed off immediately, I didn't have to fight to leave) - Personally, I don't think she has much of a chance.. You are their FATHER and you have RIGHTS... Don't let ANYONE Intimidate you... STAY STRONG, STAY FOCUSED on you and the needs of your children.

VictoriaLynn

Topaz--

I wish I could move. Not enough money and this business cannot be sold because the accounts payable is more than the equity, for now.

Plus, what is she meets some guy and decides to move to CA the next year. Do I then pick up and move again. We have a life here. The kids have a life here.

VLynn -- I filed my objection to the courts today. I am asking for 50/50 split with the kids. I hope that my finances don't sway a judge to say that it is ok for her to leave because there would be no way for me to beable to pay "spousal maint." Although I have done a pretty good job so far, no Taj Mahal, but still a nice car , food, clothes and a roof.

This whole thing just hurts. But from here on out my character as a father will be defined by, not what I say, but what I do. God has his hands around my heart so it won't fall to pieces, I have joy in knowing that.

Thanks --STSPP