Last Thursday my wife told me that she was leaving and going to her mothers to stay for a while. She said she needed some time to think about our marriage. When she was talking, in her eyes it looked like she wanted to call it quits. Several things she said made me know this. I would like to know what to say to her so that I will not put any pressure on her. I have read the past two days about what is inside the books I ordered thru this web sight but there are no specific ideas or what to say. I have ordered the books from this web site. I know why she is not happy. I was not paying enough attention to her. I know this know. What can I say to her to let her allow me a chance to outwardly show my feelings and love to her? We have a 14 month old. I don’t want to ruin a potentionaly great family.

JB

I'm not the best one to give advice but do some digging. My bet would be that there is a OM. I never thought my W would do that to me but I have never been more wrong.

Jberg
Every person is different, and every situation is unique even though there are many common threads. The phrases that work for one could set another person back. You probably know what would push your wife's buttons, so don't say those things. If you need to, write down things you want to say and mean it. Perhaps practicing on paper first would help you get your thoughts together. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JBerg said:
I know why she is not happy. I was not paying enough attention to her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What specific actions will you do to change your behavior? What type of attention does she like? Perhaps ask her what will show her you are serious about changing and making your marriage a great one.

Have you contacted her since she left? How has her personality seemed?

It's really hard to comment without knowing more about your situation. Maybe you should post this question in "Plan A & Plan B" or the "General Questions" forums...it might be premature for you to be over here on D/D.

<small>[ May 23, 2004, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

If you can identify specific emotional needs (ENs) that you have not been meeting, think of ways to begin meeting those needs. For more help in doing that, you might post on the EN board.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JBerg:
<strong> Last Thursday my wife told me that she was leaving and going to her mothers to stay for a while. She said she needed some time to think about our marriage. When she was talking, in her eyes it looked like she wanted to call it quits. Several things she said made me know this. I would like to know what to say to her so that I will not put any pressure on her. I have read the past two days about what is inside the books I ordered thru this web sight but there are no specific ideas or what to say. I have ordered the books from this web site. I know why she is not happy. I was not paying enough attention to her. I know this know. What can I say to her to let her allow me a chance to outwardly show my feelings and love to her? We have a 14 month old. I don’t want to ruin a potentionaly great family.

JB </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know if I can really put any advice into words.... I'm still a kid, pretty much....
The best things I could say to you are as follows... #1; live by these words "You've got to be persistent to get anything out of life!"
#2; maybe you should read through my posts. My wife and I fixed our marriage after some pretty horrible things. We've been back together for more than a week now... it's getting better, and easier every day. I'm still applying everything I learned here, and I don't intend on ever slowing down.

I will pray for you. I know that if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. "What one man can do, another can do."

peace, love, and tight corners...
-Jarod

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 01:35 AM: Message edited by: Jarod_Wynde ]</small>

J, how bad is it? Will your wife speak to you? Did she take the baby?

There are a lot of good things you can do that won’t put pressure on her. Pressure can be bad. Flowers are obvious. A card, or better yet a letter. Post the letter here, and we’ll eradicate all possible LoveBusters.

You’ve got to at some point tell her you love her, you want to stay married to her and you’re willing to do whatever it takes to create a marriage in which you are BOTH happy. Any thing less than her happiness and your happiness is unacceptable.

To rephrase, the key points are
You love her
You want her to be happy
You want to make her happy as your wife
You’re willing to change your behavior in order to make her happy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong> J, how bad is it? Will your wife speak to you? Did she take the baby?

There are a lot of good things you can do that won’t put pressure on her. Pressure can be bad. Flowers are obvious. A card, or better yet a letter. Post the letter here, and we’ll eradicate all possible LoveBusters.

You’ve got to at some point tell her you love her, you want to stay married to her and you’re willing to do whatever it takes to create a marriage in which you are BOTH happy. Any thing less than her happiness and your happiness is unacceptable.

To rephrase, the key points are
You love her
You want her to be happy
You want to make her happy as your wife
You’re willing to change your behavior in order to make her happy. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not sure how to post this letter but I will try this. I would like everyones help.


Heather;

I feel that I have let you down. I promise you that this will never happen again. You have my word on this. I thought we were doing so well and that we were on our way to success and happiness. Obviously I forgot the most important thing of all. And that was being there for you and Kacey. Please allow me to show you I can do this for our family. Both of you mean the entire world to me. I put myself in your place like you asked me the other day and I could see that my actions and absence at times was totally cold and uncalled for.

I thought we were working together on all the things that were wrong in our lives and getting closer to what we wanted. Our communication wasn’t there and that my dear will be changed.

We both have made a commitment to each other when we got married. I haven’t been there 100 percent but in my heart my intentions were good. I feel we have a responsibility to each other and too Kacey. I would hope you would give us another chance to make this marriage work. And make it a wonderful and joyous one, filled with great times and wonderful experiences and memories.

I hope that you would not jump ship so soon or at least before you gave us a chance to fix what is wrong. I hope it’s not me that you dislike but what I did and did not do for us in our relationship. I must have been blind not to see that you were not happy. I really thought you were. Just talk to me and tell me what you want us to do and we will do those things. Of all people I would think that you would be the first one to try and make it work. I know you and you are not a quitter but a go getter. You might not believe this but I do live my life for you and Kacey. I will learn how to show you how you and Kacey make me feel. And from now on I make it my first priority to do so.

For a while I was so depressed about all that we were up against and when you are depressed you can’t see all the good that surrounds you. I kept forgetting all that you are doing to help our family.

The loneliness and emptiness that I am feeling with your absence only fortifies how strong my love is for you and our family unit. I am here for you now as you were here for me before. I only hope that you feel the same about me. It would be a shame if we did not try to heal ourselves together and keep our family together.

I see now that I was so concentrated on our future that I lost all perspective on the present, and how we act to each other in the present helps to build a strong and happy future. I said to myself that I wished you had sat down and talked to me about your feelings earlier and then I thought that by you going to your mothers showed me how much of an [censored] I was and how much I take you for granted. Sometimes this type of shock therapy can give someone a reality check and show them how things really are by looking at the situation through another’s eyes. If you do not think we can make our Marriage and Family work, then I must respect your decision. But if you have any reasonable doubt that we can make it work them I will work with you. Most of us judge a person's heart and their love by their actions. Right or wrong, that's what we do. So I must admit that my actions towards you sometimes are not intentional and defiantly were not coming from my heart. What I mean is that I was paying more attention to my needs and not yours. Of coarse I realize now that your needs and the needs of our family are my needs as well.

Why do people fall in love? Why do they fall out of love? What do we want most in our marriage? How can a bad marriage become a great marriage? I would like to work out these questions with you and find the answers. With a little communication I am sure we can achieve this goal in no time at all. I am willing if you are. My goal is to restore the feeling of love in your heart. It takes much more than just the feeling of love to build a successful marriage. It will take our willingness and ability to care for and protect each other. You have done this and now it is my turn to become part of this wheel. I would hope you would allow me to make good on the hurt I have caused.


I Love You So Much;

John

JBerg
For a beginner, that's generally a pretty good letter as far as content goes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
However, I want to caution you about using real names when posting. This is a public forum and anyone can read what's posted here. You might want to edit your previous post and put in XXXXs or "dear wife" and delete the names of you and your daughter.

Near as I can tell, that's an awesome letter.
Take it from me... don't show too much anger with her. Even though you may not feel any towards her now, it will become an issue as this progresses.
It will seem like she doesn't care... but, if she loves you, she'll read everything you write, and take it to heart. Eventually, the dam will burst.

You sound so much like I did in the first couple weeks. I hope everything turns out as well as it did for me. I really do.
But, I also pray to God that you don't have to deal with some of the same circumstances as I did.
As I said when I first joined up, I will use my experiences to help out anyone else on here that I can.

Stay strong.

-Jarod Wynde

It’s a very good letter, John. Just take out the part about “jumping ship so soon.” That would sound disrespectful to your wife.

Otherwise, this letter gives me a lot of hope. Sometimes, people come here in your situation never realizing the role they played. They think their spouse just quit on them.

I have a feeling you are truly lucky your wife left when she did. I’m hoping it was an early warning sign and not too much damage has been done.

So are you going to mail it?

PS: I’m posting to Magnolia to have the names deleted. With 35,000 registrations, you can’t be too careful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong> It’s a very good letter, John. Just take out the part about “jumping ship so soon.” That would sound disrespectful to your wife.

Otherwise, this letter gives me a lot of hope. Sometimes, people come here in your situation never realizing the role they played. They think their spouse just quit on them.

I have a feeling you are truly lucky your wife left when she did. I’m hoping it was an early warning sign and not too much damage has been done.

So are you going to mail it?

PS: I’m posting to Magnolia to have the names deleted. With 35,000 registrations, you can’t be too careful. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GreenGables,

Thank you for getting the names out of that posting. I wasnt thinking. I dont want to have any reason to get mad at me. I tryed but it didnt work

JB

This 20-minute limit is a royal pain in the neck! It may take Magnolia a while to check her or his email. But I'm sure they'll change it. b

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong> This 20-minute limit is a royal pain in the neck! It may take Magnolia a while to check her or his email. But I'm sure they'll change it. b </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, Thanks for your help.
I wish I coud comunicate with you somehow. E-mail. You might be able to help me get thru this. Feels terrible, the feeling of rejection and abcence of two of the most loved in my life. Espectially thinking that she does not care. Not knowing is worse that knowing sometimes.

JB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JBerg:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by greengables:
<strong> This 20-minute limit is a royal pain in the neck! It may take Magnolia a while to check her or his email. But I'm sure they'll change it. b </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, Thanks for your help.
I wish I coud comunicate with you somehow. E-mail. You might be able to help me get thru this. Feels terrible, the feeling of rejection and abcence of two of the most loved in my life. Espectially thinking that she does not care. Not knowing is worse that knowing sometimes.

JB </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the letter she just wrote to me.

Any suggestions???

To My Husband-

I know you can't see my face when your reading this email, but I'm not saying anything in anger. The things you are telling me now are things I have heard before, things you say because I think deep down you really want to be that person, but things you don't stick to when I come back. The thing about my prayer for you will always be true because I do want to see you become a better person regardless of what happens between us. I want to see you do these things for yourself, not me, I want you to learn to be happy with yourself and your life. Everything is underway with the house and soon you will be out from under all that. You have the ability to produce so much good for yourself and others, but most of the time your energy and time is put into the wrong things. You think I haven't given you a sufficient chance to prove the things you are telling me now, but I feel I have given plenty chances for you to prove you will be there for us. I view it as you are saying these things yet again so you will get your family back, and they will once again exhaust themselves once things settle down. I hope you really do quit drinking because you are such a different person when you are sober, I would like to see your daughter grow up knowing that man. Make these changes to yourself to set an example of a father for your daughter, because you will ALWAYS be a part of your daughters life as long as you want to be. And I would like for you to be able to spend time with her ANYTIME you want without me having to worry if you will stay sober and what people will be in your house. I am feeling right now that I want to get my own place with your daughter, not far from our town, but not in our town, and just move on. There has been a lot of hurt between us the past few years, and I feel I have exhausted my energies and efforts, I don't feel I love you anymore the way I should. Part of that is because of the hurt, I think we should both move on before resentment and hate begin to build. I am waiting to get my own place until everything with the house, lawyer, IRS, etc is settled. I know you don't have money to give me and I'm not going to ask for any until you are settled. I really didn't want to leave yet, but I'm the type of person that I can't stay and put on a front with people I really do care about, and you will always have a special place in my heart.

Your Wife

John, it always takes a while for the whole picture to emerge! It was good you posted her entire letter. Getting the other side is so helpful.

My email is greengablesmb@hotmail.com. I don't mind emailing, but it's good to get the range of opinions and experience available here.

All in all, I think this letter is encouraging. Once she sees sustained change, I think she'll be more interested. And she doesn't have the funds to just move out.

So, have you been to AA before? You may want to consider going. They're definition of alcoholic is pretty broad, and they may be able to help you. Obviously, if you drink, you're not going to get to see your daughter. That was a veiled message in there. And your wife doesn't like who you are when you drink. And sounds like she doesn't like some of your friends.

So, 1. Stop drinking. You've already had your last drink whether you knew it or not.
2. Ditch the friends she doesn't like. Yeah, yeah. I know. BUT, if you choose to hang out with them, you can't hang out with her.

Next, you need a plan. I'll bet the last time you made a lot of promises you didn't have a plan. A plan is the difference between success and failure.

What we really want is your wife's input on the plan. I'd suggest asking her under what exact conditions she'd consider going to marriage counseling with you. Note, we're not yet saying she'll come home, just that she'll consider working on the marriage.

Basically, what we're saying here is "I know I've let you down before and I don't expect you to put any effort in right now. Let me demonstrate my ability to change and to care for you in the way you want to be cared for. If and when I've succeeded at that, I'll ask you to put some energy into this relationship."

While most people here talk about "marriage" I like relationship. People can save their marriage and have a shell with no relationship inside it. We really want to save the relationship. If we do that, the marriage will save itself.

Good luck. This is looking pretty good, J.

JBerg -

By accident I ran into your post today. The letter your W wrote you was truly revealing...

Do you have a problem with alcohol? I know I do... I'm an alcoholic and my W said many of the same things to me 3 years ago. It finally became clear that I was no longer a suitable mate. Booze had become my escape for everything in life that was not going my way. My life was truly 'unmanagable'. I had a decision to make - die or change, because living the same way I had been was not an option. So with the help of AA I changed. After 6 mos my W realized the change was sincere and I had once again become someone she wanted to be with the rest of her life...

Time, effort, honesty, and a renewed spirit are what I needed. I also suggest you go to AA and listen to what they have to say. "If you think you have problem with alcohol, then you probably do."

Let me know if I can help you...

Gib

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gibby1:
<strong> JBerg -

By accident I ran into your post today. The letter your W wrote you was truly revealing...

Do you have a problem with alcohol? I know I do... I'm an alcoholic and my W said many of the same things to me 3 years ago. It finally became clear that I was no longer a suitable mate. Booze had become my escape for everything in life that was not going my way. My life was truly 'unmanagable'. I had a decision to make - die or change, because living the same way I had been was not an option. So with the help of AA I changed. After 6 mos my W realized the change was sincere and I had once again become someone she wanted to be with the rest of her life...

Time, effort, honesty, and a renewed spirit are what I needed. I also suggest you go to AA and listen to what they have to say. "If you think you have problem with alcohol, then you probably do."

Let me know if I can help you...

Gib </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gib,

I thank you so much for caring. I don’t know if you are religious or spiritual. But if you are I would like you to pray to your higher for him to look down upon me with his grace and forgiveness and guide myself and family back to unity. I will do the same for you. There isn’t enough caring in this world. But there is always a time to start. Even the smallest kind effort to others makes him happy.

Gods speed my friend.

John