I am very very frustrated right now. My husband and I have recently agreed to start seeing a counselor. we have been married only a year and half and I cant stand him anymore. My biggest problem is that wehen he feels scared that I might leave or do something drastic, he makes me all these promises of things he is going to change, things that will make me happy. But he NEVER follows thru. I am constantly being let down and now I dont even listen to him when he says he is gonna do something. He has more excuses than #?!! Everything in his world is more important than our marriage, again, except if we are fighting and he thinks I am gonna leave.
Any suggestions??

My suggestion wont sound all that great but its all I can think of, if he wont go to counseling with you after he has promised to them leave, leave and dont come back until you two have been to at least one counseling session together (easier said that done I know) I almost left my husband and the stipulation of my staying was that he went to counseling, if he wont cary through with this I am prepared to leave again [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>*hugs* I hope someone else can offer you better advice, but I wanted you to let you know I read your topic and am hoping for the best for you and H<p>Tara

Someone else just posted the following. I clipped it to put in my journal. I'm in the fifth year of your marriage. Fix it now.<p>I have a rule about human nature that has never failed me once. When a person tells you one thing, but does another, then you can know that what they did is what is the truth. People do what they want to do.

Wow! I was quoted. The rule that I use and was quoted is that in the basics of life, people do exactly what they want to do. The talk that people spew may or may not reflect reality. If someone tells you one thing but does another, believe what they did. They did exactly what they wanted to.<p>Your H makes these promises to get you to stay, but he is not committed enough to actually do it. Talk is not just cheap, it is worthless.<p>What you have to do is to decide where reasonable boundaries are and do not let that person cross them. If your H can make the promises, but can't keep them, you know that he knows what to do to make you happy. He just doesn't want to. You can't change another person. If he doesn't want to, you just have to decide whether you are willing to live with that. The only power you have is over your own actions. <p>Justifications, rationalizations, excuses, whatever. None of it amounts to dog turds. Are you prepared to live with it and if not, what are you going to do for yourself? That's all there is.<p>Hope this helps.

I, too, am in the same situation. I've been married almost one year, but we've been in this relationship for almost 10 years. <p>Where do I start. The same problems I'm experienceing now, have really always been there. There has been some improvement, but not nearly enough. In the beginning, he would stand me up, calling me at the last minute to say plans had changed, wouldn't call at all. He'd disappear for a weekend because he decided on thespur of the moment to go with his friends somewhere. I never knew if I could depend on him. Even after having major surgery, he went golfing that afternoon. He did call the hospital to see how I was doing, but he went golfing.<p>This is my fault. I always accepted what he did. Even if I got mad about it, I would just get over it until the next time.<p>The current situation is this. He still spends at least3 and sometimes more nights out. He goes to his friend's house to play video golf. He's there from 5:30p.m. until the wee hours of the morning. When he comes home, he's drunk. If he goes over on a weekend, I know he'll be coming home in a cab and not until about 4am.<p>I can't talk to him. He gets very defensive. I just don't know what to do. There are other issues also. What I don't get is that he is ALWAYS telling me that he loves me, I'm the best thing for him and I'm all he ever wants. I'm ready to divorce him.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by rrbirdie:
<strong>I am very very frustrated right now. My husband and I have recently agreed to start seeing a counselor. we have been married only a year and half and I cant stand him anymore. My biggest problem is that wehen he feels scared that I might leave or do something drastic, he makes me all these promises of things he is going to change, things that will make me happy. But he NEVER follows thru. I am constantly being let down and now I dont even listen to him when he says he is gonna do something. He has more excuses than #?!! Everything in his world is more important than our marriage, again, except if we are fighting and he thinks I am gonna leave.
Any suggestions??</strong><hr></blockquote>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by lostmypartner:
[QB][/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>I hear you. I think this is a response to both you and the other woman with the husband that plays golf till 4 in the morning. My husband was always telling me he would come home after work or he would spend the weekends with me but he never did. He was at the bar three or four nights a week coming home at 12:00 or 1:00 out first thing every Saturday morning playing softball with his friends and never had time for me. I one day said I can't take it any longer I want out and left him. You know now I spend all my time alone. I have heard it from all some say I drove him to spend a lot a time away from me. Kind of sound like I was self-destructive. It started out he would only go out one night a week with the guys and be home by 11:00 and I complained about that. Then he started to spend two night out and I would complain more about that. Then he would stay out until I was asleep and I would complain about that. Then his Saturday softball game turned into a day with the boys and I would complain about that. Till the point when I told him I wanted a divorce. It did not come a surprise to him because he told me that every time I blew up at him I was telling him I was not happy. It seems that the more I tried to tell him what he should be doing the more he pulled away. Looking back I think I was scared that things might just work out and I need an excuse to bail.<p>We have not got back together and have a whole new life together. I have stopped demanding that he do things and he does them out of love for our relationship and me. I understand that we have two lives and each of us needs to respect each other responsibility in and out of our relationship. I get the love I need and he gets the time to play and do the things he wants. When I need something I tell him exactly what it is I need rather than hiding it in a complaint and he usually gives it to me but when he cannot I don't get angry at him I just try to make what I want more enticing. Our love for each other is growing more and more every day.<p>So my suggestion is decide what is truly importune in your life focus on that and dont hide what you really want in a complaint about something that is not really importune. Men are not as dumm as they seem.

I think you may have something there. When you say don't hide what you want in a complaint and also giving myself an excuse to bail. Although, I have to say that I am always so very specific about what I need. But, your words hold a lot of wisdom. You've given me some things to think about. Thanks!

Agravain,
End it now! Don't stand for his control or inattention any longer. If you don't, you'll be like those of us with two young kids wondering what we could've done to make it work. The answer is nothing. We can't make someone else do anything. We can learn to be the best person we can.
Help yourself:
Make a list of the things you like about yourself, things you like to do, happy memories, Sad memories, positives/negatives about your life, etc. Where is HE on these lists? Chances are, he's in the negative and will never move out enough to make a difference.
Sorry to be so blunt but I'm living it now. I had dreams of the person/husband/father that H would become. He's none of those things. Potential means nothing if the person doesn't care.