So, here is my story. I am in a very odd situation that most will say "what the hell are you doing?" So, here I go. I was with someone for 5 years and we have just recently broken up in December. We had our shares of major ups and downs, and even went as far as buying a house together. In 1999, I started seeing someone very close to the guy I was dating. It just happened to be (see if you can follow this one) my ex's sisters boyfriend. Since then they have also split up, but our relationship has still been a secret to my ex and his sister. It will be 3 years of this secretive relationship in August. We both love each other very much and we want to be together. The problem is, he is still attached to his ex. Not attached in a way where they are sexual or in a way where they are totally in love anymore. She has since been with someone else and actually lived with someone else, but has moved back in with her parents. She is still seeing this guy, but she cannot decide which guy she wants to be with. So, where does my heartache come in? Well, we have been serious now for a few months..seeing each other a lot, I sleep over at his place a lot, but I cannot spend time with his family because SHE comes around a lot etc. So, I do not know what to do. I love this guy so much and he is definately someone I can see spending my life with and he says the same about me, but he is afraid to lose this frienship that he has with her (they were together for 10 years) and he is also very close to my ex as well. So, I guess Im looking for someone to shed some light on how he can inform them that he wants to date me or how I can break away from this situation? My heart hurts over this. So, any advice is greatly appreciated.

I have a rule about human nature that has never failed me once. When a person tells you one thing, but does another, then you can know that what they did is what is the truth. People do what they want to do. <p>This guy is telling you all of this about how everything is peachy wonderful between the two of you, but then at the same time, is evidently unwilling to pursue it any further due to what sounds like dubious complications with an ex?<p>Do you suppose that there is any chance that he is telling her the same exact things as you? Perhaps what he is currently enjoying is both of you. That is but one explanation for the variation between his words and actions, but it is the one that I would carefully consider.<p>I do hope that this all works out for you.

I am really feeling it for you. 3 years sneaking. I think you are at that point now where you want a little honesty to shine in.<p>What does he say about spilling the beans? Is he reluctant?
I have to agree with spt_fl. How do you know he's not telling his ex the same thing? From what you write, he seems to be enjoying both sides without the responsibility of choosing.
Also remember, that you are the OW. And for all you know, he could be trying to win her back.
3 years is a long time to be keeping a secret. It's probably just become force of habit for him.
<p>- Make your request clear and unequivocal. Along the lines of: You would very much like that he tell everyone that you two are an item. Otherwise, you believe it is in your best interest to move on and find someone else to spend your life with.
- Don't Love Bust.
- Be prepared to leave him if he decides not to fulfill your request.

Well I feel pretty proud of myself today. After a whole weekend of being away from the one guy that I love, but yet wont commit, I finally took a stand and decided to say "Either you tell them that we are dating, or I am gone." I finally feel strong enough to get out of the situation and I can definately be on my own and I know that I will find someone that would do anything to have me in their life. So, any more comments to my original post are greately appreciated.

Good for you! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

NoMoreHurt,<p>How are you doing? I hope all is working out for you.<p>Please keep updating. If for no other reason, vent.<p>Good luck.

Well, he told her last night about me..well he said he had a crush one me. Somehow I am not satisfied with this whatsoever, but I am still hangin in here. I am still going along with my life as normal, busting my butt at my job and just doing the normal things I always do. So, back to last night..she freaked out at him on the phone and got all hysterical, claiming she feels very betrayed etc. wasnt she the one that went off with his friend and moved in with his friend the same day she moved out of his house? I guess I shouldnt be pissed at her, I should be mad at him for being such an idiot. I tell you, one of these days I will break free from this mess and my life will be great.

NoMoreHurt,<p>Maybe I am confused. What place are you at in your relationship with this guy? Are you the GF? Is this other person the GF? Are you a friend or what? It really sounds like he is keeping you on a line while he pines for this other person who earlier rejected him.<p>He told her that he has a crush on you? Aren't y'all sleeping with one another? To me, that is a bit more than a crush.<p>It sounds like he is not very committed to you and may only be using you to keep him ok while he chases this other girl. What do you think?

I am going to answer the questions asked to me as best as I can!!!<p>What place are you at in your relationship with this guy?
Well, thats a good question. We are wanting to be committed to one another..right now it is just dating (a little more than that, but we arent out in the open yet. The "others" dont know..meaning our ex's. According to my guy, its going to crush them and I know that it will.
Are you the GF?
He loves me like the girlfriend and the other chick as a best friend because they were together for so long.
Is this other person the GF?
She was..for 10 years, but she loves and is with someone else now. "My" guy and her hang out and do things together as friends.
<p>He told her that he has a crush on you? Aren't
y'all sleeping with one another?
Yes we are sleeping together, but he told her about the crush to break the ice, so we can be out in the open about us dating.<p>What do you think?
I really dont know what to think. I am still living my life as a single girl, but this guy is wonderful..except in this decision making thing with our situation.

NoMoreHurt,<p>I went back to read your first post and clearly, you are feeling that he needs to get it going or let it go. Is that a fair assessment? You either want your whole R to proceed or die.<p>There is just something 'off' about this whole thing of protecting an old GF. I don't really have any solid advice I can give you other than to say that there is something not right. I think that you know that already.

Spt_fl:<p>First I'd like to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for responding to me as much as you do. It really helps to have someone talk to me, instead of say "Just get out of it!!!" Anyways, what I want out of this whole thing is either for it to die or for the "BIG" to happen, which is for it to be out in the open, but he is so stuck on her and her family. He compares the 10 year relationship to a divorce...which I find a little hard to grasp. I guess because I myself have never had 10 years with someone, but I did have 5 years and I am not still attached to my ex at all. I just dont get it....

NoMoreHurt,<p>I am glad that you think that what I am writing is helping if only a little. Honestly, I don't know what to say to help. I will tell you that my one good rule about human nature is that when a person tells you one thing, but does another, believe the actions. People do EXACTLY what is important to them. Regardless of what he says, if he won't legitimize your relationship, it is because your relationship is less important to him than the one with the OP. <p>You could use as a motivating factor telling him that the sex will begin again when he legitimizes your relationship and that in the meantime, he should see that from the former GF. I have found that that can motivate guys. Realistically, right now, he is trying to keep getting what he wants from you, while trying to keep your relationship a secret. <p>Look at what he is doing and ask yourself, do you deserve to be treated as if you are less important?<p>I think that this guy is really disrespecting you in a BIG way.

Hello, enter the 42 year old Christian with the old fashioned views. I read your posts and cring. I do not judge you as a person but I feel that you have made poor decisions. My advice is to stop playing games with people, and doing things that are moraly wrong. Find out whom you wish to MARY and become one in Christ. This site has exelent material on forming and maintaining a beutifull marriage.
If you aquire anything to day say a car or vcr and you wanted to get the most out of it you would likely read the manual written by its creator. Who made you? I know. And I know that he wrote a manual for life, it is the Bible. And I will say this. The only couples that I have ever seen that were and remainied happy were married devoted Christians. Seize the day and begin life anew. Ask Jesus to be your Lord and saviour and he will show you the pathway. And as long as you follow it you wont wind up in places like you are in today.
May God be with you.