Has anybody here actually done it and how is it going?

Of course, I would... but only if I see X's changes to a man I could be happy with...

I met with my STBXH and our lawyers last week and during the meeting, he broke down crying while his lawyer was out of the room, saying he still loves me, he never stopped loving me, and that I'm what he thinks about when he gets up in the morning and when he goes to bed at night. His lawyer later said, after he left, that he told her the same thing in her office and they could simplify everything by just getting us back together.

Problem is, he's an alcoholic/addict. He hasn't worked in the 3.5 years since he left me to move in with the OW, who, by the way he still lives with. During that time, I've been running our business alone and sending him a check every two weeks. Because of his repeated break-ins, property destruction, and threatening behavior, I have a 3-year restraining order against him that expires in July. He's lost his professional license. He's gotten 2 DUI's. He's gained about 100 pounds. Need I say more?

I still love him, but I can't take him back under these circumstances. After all the verbal and emotional abuse he dished out after he started drinking and using again, it was nice to realize that it really was all about him and that all his accusations were just an attempt to justify his own behavior.

I can't say I'd never take him back, but as was recommended to me over 3 years ago by Steve Harley himself is that I need to divorce him first and then see what happens.

I know there are people who've gotten back together, even after the divorce is final. You might find some of them on the Recovery board.

BTW, why do you ask?

There are those who will go back after time of discovering themselves, improving themselves and working on their own lives.

I know of a couple that divorced, for 3 years, and dated on/off during that time. They married after 3 years when they found themselves, improved themselves and made their lives happy with themselves.

As for my X, yes it could happen later in years to come after the two of us find ourselves. Otherwise, if we don't find ourselves, no.

The divorce, has put an end to many marriages. Divorce has put an end to a unit. That is where each unit splits and works on themselves to better themselves. Yes, God hates divorce, and I am one that was put in the divorce by my X's actions. I don't regret the divorce, but I do regret my X's actions, and manipulative behavior at this time.

One simple word - yes.

No.

As much as I loved and maybe still love my WS, she fooled me so well for so long, that I doubt I could ever trust her again. She had over 6 months in which she could have decided to try and rebuild the marriage. At every decision point she choose to be with the OM.

My children and I have been greatly hurt by her decision to leave for the OM. I don't want to put them or me through that again.

Enough is enough.

Justin, how long has it been?

It has been 7 months since discovery of the affair. The affair itself has gone on for many years. At least 3 years, maybe as many as 7.

I tend to agree with you JE and I don't have quite as much time in since D-Day but she chooses OM at at the expense of children every time. I may have earned some (not much IMHO) the hurt I am receiving, but the children? I think there is a special place in hell for that.

Yes - there would have to be changes...changes in both of us before I took her back.

But...yes, I would.

i'm sorry i ever listened to a word my X said. . I'm sorry that i didn't listen to myself, and i'm sorry that i didn't follow through and understand why i told my best man for the wedding, she is not the right one for me.

wiftty

There will always be a part of me that would like to take my stbxH back, after the D is final. After all that he's done, it's a pretty scary thought to me, to be honest.

But there are those "changes" that have been mentioned already. My ex, IMO, isn't capable of those changes. And at this point, even if he started, I don't think there would be enough time left on this earth, for him to even come close to "making things up to me".

I've given him so many chances in the past. And as the boys are getting older now (OS is going to be 5 on Saturday, and the twins are 3), I wouldn't want them to go through the trauma AGAIN.

I need to do what is best for my boys, and unfortunately having nothing more to do with their father IS the best thing for their health (emotional and physical).

Karen

There was a point in time that I still wanted and would have worked things out with my WS. However being put through what I have been for over 3 years and all, there is a very, very, very tiny chance I want to get back together. The bridge is still there but it is burnt so much it isn't safe to walk on any more. The damage was done and all and unless my WS comes back as the person I once knew, I don't see it happening of ever getting back together.

I agree with confused, if my WS ever came back as the person I once loved and married, I would give it another chance.

Everything chanaged for my WS, she dyed her hair blond, and now calls herself "Blondie", she makes a mis judgement and she says it is a blond moment. She dresses like a whore and thinks she looks beautiful. Ah yes, how they change. Once upon a time my WS was just a simple, loving caring person who once thought about her kids more than herself, now it is just the opposite.

Boy, I would hate to be around when she finally wakes up.

Nope.

I will start a new life without him. I plan to continue Plan B'ing him for the rest of my life - I will not be his 'friend'. It's not that I'd be punishing him or bitter - just don't see any reason to have anythign more to do with him.

His problems (serial adulterer/abusive/compulsive liar) will be his problems then - not mine. OW has already left him and his 'supportive' family & friends don't even know/believe he has problems. I used to worry a LOT about what would happen to him without me to help him. But not anymore. His cruelty and coldheartedness towards me AND our daughters cured me of that.

His family's philosophy is why fix your problems when you can just ignore them?

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>