Hello everyone-

I sit here still waiting to see if my XH is going to accept our mediated and modified visitation schedule. As I posted a while back he said he was going to take me to court as the mediator has now been added to a long list of unreasonable and unfair people. So far I have received nothing new from XH, but I did just receive a letter from the mediator asking us to both put in writing whether or not we will be accepting the agreement so I guess I will find out his plans shortly.

Here is my new dilemma. I am going out of town for a week. Because of this and due to the right of first refusal clause in our divorce agreement I have asked my XH if he wants the kids. He of course does, but is unable to take time off of work. My mother and another childcare provider take our youngest child during the school year. I will be gone during the summer so now we are talking about all four kids. My mom actually wanted the kids to stay with her the week I am gone, but knows he has first dibs. She did ask to take them when he worked and he said no problem. Now yesterday my XH and his OW fiancee inform me in writing that althought they appreciate my mom's offer, they have made other arrangements for the kids while they are working and that I need to respect their judgement as it is their time. Am I wrong here or does it make no sense to put my children with a stranger instead of their grandmother? The kids happen to be very excited about spending time with their grandma.

I know this is just an attempt by my XH and OW to prove themselves as capable parents, but what about the kids' best interests? FYI my mother in spite of everything my XH has put the kids and I through has always remained civil,even friendly, so it is not a matter of avoiding conflict. They currently see her on a regular basis when they pick our youngest child up.

I have to respond to them tomorrow and could use some assistance keeping it civil.

Thanks!

Take care and God bless!
K

I do not have a first right of refusal in my custody arangement but this is how I beleive it is viewed by the courts. Please do not misunderstand me, this is not my opion but they way the courts view it.

He has acepted his first right of refusal so now the children will be in his care. When it is his parenting time he can do what he see's fit for the children. So he has declined your offer to have your mother watch the kids.

This is my opion part...

If everyone got along and saw things eye to eye we would not be divorced. As far as what is best for the kids this other person is a stranger to you not them. I understand how this rubs you the wrong way. I get rubbed the wrong way all the time. When looking at what is best for the kids we have to try and look at the long term. The kids will be safe and cared for. there will be no long term effects from staying w/ him and a day care person. So maybe try to find a way to acccept this situation. I am finally starting to accept my situation and that is I take the kids whenever possible, likewise my x does also. There will probably never be a time when I ask her parents to watch my kids or vice versa. Divorce is not easy but we must do what is right for the kids. That means both parents should see them for the most part.

I hope this helps

Peace

I agree with STP here. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has acepted his first right of refusal so now the children will be in his care. When it is his parenting time he can do what he see's fit for the children. So he has declined your offer to have your mother watch the kids. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be thankful that your X will care for your kids.
We also have the right of first refusal, and my X refuses to care for the kids except on his nights. So I've had to hire overnight sitters for business trips.

And from his projection stance, it's my fault he can't watch his kids because I moved too far away.

It's his loss.

Be thankful that you have someone to care for your kids. And that he was appreciative of your mother's offer. You might also want him to know that your mother can be a backup for that week, or if possible, let her have them for a visit during the week.

I appreciate the input both of you gave. This is very emotional for me, especially with the court stuff coming up. If I could avoid going right now, I would. I am talking about a man who moved out three and a half years ago and until recently has never had the interest in having the kids when it is not his scheduled time. The same man who has made it clear through the course of mediation that he wants me to reduce child support and if I won't will try to increase his time to get it reduced.

I guess what bothers me the is that when the plans were first made he wanted my mom and now that the kids and my mom have planned on it he is changing things. Furthermore, since she is basically their primary caregiver during the school year and he is fine with it, why the change now? He has even asked her to watch the kids for him in the past as well, what gives now? He is not interested in bringing them to their other primary caregiver either and as of yet has not been willing to disclose of who their arranged caregiver is. If his plans are legitimate and the caregiverI find this a bit odd and not at all acceptable. I always let him know when anyone will be watching the kids.

The man is simply not trustworthy.

Thanks again,

Take care and God bless!
K

Another question for everyone-

I know that my XH is doing all of this more as leverage for when he takes me back to court than because he actually wants the kids.

I also know that I am sounding paranoid here, but with a pretty sure failed mediation (his choice) and court around the corner my nerves are really acting up again. He has a list of issues a mile long that are serious enough to trust his judgement as a parent. I have a spotless record. Can he use this to make me look bad?

Thanks again for listening. Any words of advice are always appreciated.

Take care and God bless!
K

I always say my X is untrustworthy. I haven't really known her for two years. Maybe she has changed, haven't we all changed since the divorce.

I've noticed that there were things that I didn't do when we were married. For instance, I didn't take them to school every day. Not because I didn't want to or couldn'r or refused to do it. That was the arrangement we had. It was on her way to work and it fit her time schedule better.

After getting a divorce this became a custody issue. Who was responcible for getting the kids to school. Now when I have custody I get them to school so now the arguement is this. He never took them to school before and all the sudden he has become so interested in them.

Do you see where this is going. Divorce does more than separates the parents. It changes your life. Another agruement was I never did dishes but now I do. Well, I'm single, they aren't going to do themselves. Now if a man says she never mowed the lawn or changed the oil in the car and all the sudden she does. She never came to softball practice and now she comes to all of them. You see life changes. We both should be grateful that our x spouses aren't truely bad people, we just don't like them.

STP-

You points are well taken. You are very right about people changing and roles changing. Of course when I was married my XH spent a lot of time drunk so I did most things when it came to the house inside and out and took care of the kids as well. As it is, even on his days I still have to pick the kids up and bring them to school and the sitter because he can't drive. In spite of this I actually believe my XH is a better father now than he ever was when we were married. Not the father I would like him to be, but far better than he was. Furthermore, I do carry a share of the guilt because I was young and in love and overlooked so many of my XH's issues. Had I been wiser I would never have chosen him as husband or father material, his issues run that deep.

I guess the point that continues to burn me is his motives. If I truly believed he was doing all of this to be with the kids more I would be fine with it. No I would not like him anymore, but I would be better with it. However, he hasn't shown the interest and now since he has the OW to do his childcare, etc. he suddenly wants them so he can reduce child support. He is a text book case and it is a very hard pill to swallow. The kids are aware of his limitations, and trust me I bite my tongue on a regular basis because he is their father and believe that he should be involved with them.

So I guess my frustration is more with him refusing to accept the custody mediation than the child care during this specific week. I have bent over backwards to work with him, but in his world it is a one way street. There simply is no give and take. It is his way or no way. How good is that for the kids?

Take care and God bless!
K

Try to keep a positive attitude and good luck.

Peace

K -

It's been a good while since I posted here, I know, but today, decided to check in an see how everyone's doing, and from your post, it sounds like some things stay the same.

Yes, I have been where you are, and I'll give you my 2 cents if you'll have it.

I also have many safety concerns regarding my ex - he has a pool in the backyard - no gate around it and lets the kids - all under the age of 10 - go swim without any adult supervision - just to name one, but after almost 3 years, and several near drowning instances - on his part - no one has died yet.

I say this, not to freak you out, but to let you know that God is watching over your kids, and the painful truth is that he is an adult(we think) and he is their father. The father thing gives him, unfortunately, the right to parent as he chooses, and as we all know, there are some really bad parents out there, but just not bad enough to have anything done about it.

Also know, that the emotion you are feeling because of the court case is bleeding into this issue too.

I remember when my ex would do the same thing - beg to have the children and then when he had them, he hired a babysitter and went out without them. It used to get me so mad! But 3 years and a final custody decision later, I have come to the conclusion that 1) perhaps the kids are better off with someone he hired, then himself(how sad) and 2) it's his loss and 3) the kids will have a rotten time, and appreciate the time that they have with you all the more - do not underestimate #3.

The emotions do cool more and more over time, and expecially once all the court proceedings are done. But until it's over, just know that you will be more emotionally affected by your ex's antics - you wouldn't be a sane normal human being if you didn't feel the way that you do.

The hard part though, is that you actually have to feel those emotions because ex is acting like ex.

The odds are for your kids surviving the week and perhaps ex and OW not having the best time with all of the kids - perhaps OW will not like the taste of parenthood that this week will bring for it would be a preview of what ex says is to come.

While the circumstances are not the best - and still don't see how you have to leave the kids with ex - first refusal just means that he can watch the kids if you can't - and if he has to make other arrangements for the children, then in my book, that means he can't - but if this is what you have decided will be, then just have a good time on your week off - get yourself together and try to recover some energy for the custody trial and let ex have a taste of what it is to be a father.

K

Oh, and as for me - I got remarried last year and just had a new little baby girl with new husband and life is better than I thought it ever could - except for dealing with my ex, of course.

We will survive.

STP - Thanks for the support. I often think if my XH was more like the dad's on this forum how lucky my kids and I would be.

GIIC- Wow, what a surprise! The last time you wrote you were expecting, so you have another little girl. I am so happy for you. I am glad to hear that things are going so well for you and would love to hear all about her and how marriage is treating you the second time around. You truly deserve happiness. Hearing that your XH is still up to his same antics disappoints me, but it also reminds me that I am not alone. You say you have a final custody agreement, how often can it be changed? Here it can be brought up for change every two years even with no valid reasons. With my youngest turning three this summer, I'm in for a long and bumpy road so I guess I better get used to it!

I took the advice of everyone here and backed off. I wrote him a response letter in which I spoke of not meaning to make them defensive, but of being taken off guard when they told me that they had other childcare simply because he had told me that they would be with my mom. I told them that I assumed that we were on the same page, but was not questioning their authority. I told them my mom was available and willing should they need or want her.

The next time I saw him he said he didn't mean to sound defensive and that my mom was more than welcome to have the kids, but they didn't want her to feel put out. He said that he and OW had just planned for him to work nights and then stay up all day until she got home in the late afternoon and then he would sleep and the kids could be with her. I bit my tongue at both the safety issue of him being up with them for almost eight hours after the graveyard shift or should I say falling asleep on them (trust me, he is a heavy sleeper and nearly impossible to wake) and the idea of the kids having to spend every night alone with the OW, my oldest would go through the roof. Anyway, I simply said okay, I trust you, and if you say you're up to it. His response was that he had decided to send them to my mom's. IS he playing mind games or what? I really have no clue where he was even coming with with his original letter, but why should I be able to figure him out now when I never have been able to before.

Still no word from the mediator. Please keep us in your prayers that my XH will see the good deal the mediator gave him and drop this nonsense.

Take care and God bless!
K

K -

I should have predicted his response!

My ex has pulled the same one on me too - he just wants to seem in control and then he backs down.

Get ready for this pattern, for as the years passed, just as much as ex early on would pay someone to watch the kids just to have them - he now also freely gives them to me when it's not convenient for him.

Remember - it's all about them thinking they have control.

My ex works nights too and that was another concern of mine - him being tired in the day and OW watching the kids at night.....

Really, he should told him that he had to take them that week - OW would have hated it, kids would have hated it and ex would have hated it. It would have taught them all a lesson, but yet, it's always a good idea to have the kids with someone who's safe - like mom.

Just wait until you stop saying that you can't take them, and then they really get antsy, because then they have to parent, and heaven forbid they actually have to do that.

Rule of thumb in the future - whenever ex evokes an emotional response from you - just feel the emotion but don't immediately act on it. Wait and cool down and then act.

I swear that we have the same ex. I would say that it's scary that they are so alike, but I have a feelign that it is less of a coincidence and more of a personality type/trait.

Glad things worked out. Thank you God.

And luckily I have found a husband who has grown past emotional teenagerhood.

The difference really is, is that it's not that we don't have misunderstandings or arguements, but that he and I both are committed to trying to be the best people we can be and to having the best relationship that we can have, and that when we say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing - it's not because we're trying to hurt each other it's because we're human and we say we're sorry and we mean it, and we learn and we grow - oh, and the most important part, is that God is present in our lives. We pray together and bring God into the relationship, and it makes all the difference in the world.

Sorry to hear you have to potentially go through this every 2 years - it's only once here, but I have a feeling that as the years pass, so will ex's desire for the kids.

Keep strong and may God be with you. K

Hi again K-

My youngest just had a bad dream and so after I got her settled I felt compelled to check here and found your response. I truly believe God is at work having you check in here and I pray that you continue as I go through the next month.

I think you are very right on the control issue. It's like what happened? Here we are doing exactly as planned,but now it's his idea. I must admit your images of chaos and stress on the XH and OW as they try to juggle work, no free time, and four kids for a week are enticing, but I feel so much better knowing the kids will be safe and supervised.

Back to the control thing, even though we have been apart for three and a half years he just won't seem to go away. I really believe it is because his life hasn't changed. He has replaced me with someone else and for the time being is sober, but other than that he has worked his way back into all the trappings he so longed to be free of. The only problem is that this time he has a lot more baggage. He is strapped for money and has told me more than once during the course of this custody ordeal that I need to reduce my child support, which by the way is below what he actually already below what he should be legally paying me by almost a third, or give him the kids more so that it will have to be reduced. So much for the loving father he strives to portray himself as. I wish I could afford to drop the child support so that I could get him out of my hair, but raising four kids isn't getting any cheaper.

I also find a lot of insecurity and jealousy from both him and the OW. Even though my X had the affair and left me, I am the one who has prospered. I truly love my life, with the exception of the stuff he does to it. I have been involved with the same wonderful man for over two years now, the kids are great, my job is great. Sure I have things to deal with, but without my XH and all of his issues life is so good. My XH hates it, I truly believe he thought I would continue to pine away for him. I guess I have shattered the fairy tale. I spent the majority of my married life reassuring my XH that I loved him and that I wanted him. He was always so insecure. He put a great deal of pressure on me to love him and be faithful. Yet he never had to, I did love him and I was never unfaithful. I see now it was insecurity, but at the time it was horrible. Then to go through the affair, I was mortified. I couldn't believe this person who had always been so possessive, etc. could do this to me, and to be pregnant with our fourth child at the same time made it all so much worse, as you know all to well. I vividly remember the parallel lives you and I have led and the countless hours we have spent in the past while we were going through the affairs and divorces swapping our horror stories. Now that I have moved on and found someone I am truly happy with it seems to have confirmed all my XH's feelings of inadequacy, but the problem is they are his feelings and he needs to deal with them, not project them on me.

Then there is the OW, when this all started we used to call her the OG because she was so young, well it's four years since the affair started, but she's still so young. She is so in love with him and needing to prove to him and the world that she is the perfect woman for him, that she is better than me, that she can do everything better than me, etc. She goes out of her way to do things the exact opposite of the way I do them to prove her way is better. It's like wake up honey, I've been doing this since you were in grade school, don't push me. It drives my kids nuts. They call her a control freak and want to know why she has to do everything different. She tries to paint me out as someone who I'm not. Her insecurities combined with his could drive me nuts.

They are getting married in less than a month and she has made it clear that she is waiting for the legality of marriage, but not a minute more to have a baby of their own. I believe that this in its own will change a lot of things, unfortunately the court stuff comes before this is physically able to happen. I truly think their intentions are to lower support and then as you have already said let me keep the kids on their time as long as they have the money. It makes me ill.

I am happy to hear you are doing so well. I can relate to your explanation of your new marriage. Although not married, my feelings for this man are very strong. We have our ups and downs but the difference is how we handle them. It took a little getting used to relating in a calm, understanding way after being used to so many years of fireworks, but I have to say it is so wonderful.

I do envy you only having to go through custody stuff once. I am truly praying that once he is remarried and starts a new family he will back off, but only time will tell. There is also the alcohol issue, which I think is dormant right now, but not gone. Although I no longer obsess about it as I have learned there is nothing I can do about it, I do worry about the ramifications for the kids if he falls off the wagon again.

I really appreciate all you have said and hope that we can get reaquainted. I would love to hear about your kids as they are all so close in age to mine. I would also love an update on that new little bundle of joy. Congratulations K, you have earned it!

Take care and God bless!
K