Hey ladies, I sure would like to hear your reaction to this one. Kind of looks like when they no longer need the husband's income to raise the kids, they dump the old fart.

NEW YORK -- Forget the stereotype of the older man dumping his wife for a sweet young thing.

A survey for the AARP finds two-thirds of divorces among older couples are the woman's idea. The husbands are the last to know.

That debunks the myth of an older man divorcing his wife for a younger woman.

The study looked at more than 1,100 people ages 40 to 79 who had divorced in their 40s, 50s or 60s.

It found that women over age 40 seemed more aware of problems in their marriages, while men were more likely to be caught off-guard by their divorces.

According to the survey, 26 percent of the men said they never saw it coming.

The research found that most women said they filed for divorces because of physical or emotional abuse, infidelity or drug and alcohol abuse.

Men said they sought divorces because they fell out love, they had different values or lifestyles, or infidelity.

The study said most older divorced people move on to other serious relationships -- and stay sexually active.

Copyright 2004 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Put me in that 26% that never saw it coming. Our secretary used to work for a judge that did a lot of divorces and calls it women going through their mid life crazies.

I call it women who finally see the reality of their marriages.
In their 20's and 30's, we have rose colored glasses, then as we become more confident in ourselves, we realize how draining a bad marriage can be. Many people suck it up for the kids, others just realize later than others.

I heard about this report on the news this morning and I agree with newly. I think it is a case of women maturing and realizing that they want more. There is such a push to get married that I think many young women settle so I can understand it.

I am in my mid thirties and I know that had my XH not had the affair and left that I would still be stuck in a miserable marriage. My reason, the kids. Having been forced to become a divorced mother I now see how much better life is, and I have to think that had he not left, if I hadn't left him while the kids were young when they were gone I probably would have as I was totally codependent and miserable.

I did find the report interesting though as I work with a lot of older women and a good half of them are unhappy with their marriages.

Take care and God bless!
K

Nonetheless I do

Another observation I have is that once divorced I see a lot more men jumping into new relationships and marriages more quickly then women.

It goes back to what newly said. As women mature and gain confidence they get a new perspective for what they want. In today's society women are taking over male terrain left and right so I think a great deal of them figure they can do it themselves. I think this is true of younger women as well as it seems that more and more women are waiting to get married and have families. Maybe the result of this will eventually be less mid-life divorces. Who knows!

Take care and God bless!
K

Bumperii,

I agree with newly--I don't think it's that they are leaving because they no longer 'need' their husband's income--and who say's they "needed" their husband's income to begin with?? That assumption say's they didn't marry their husbands because they ACTUALLY loved them--but for wrong reasons--money--

But it does make one wonder--what were the husbands doing that they didn't have a CLUE there were problems within the marriage??? Why were these men caught off-guard?? apparently they weren't putting their marriage's first in order to know there were actually problems--

Maybe they should do a survey to find out why these men didn't KNOW there problems--

NEW YORK -- Forget the stereotype of the older man dumping his wife for a sweet young thing.

A survey for the AARP finds two-thirds of divorces among older couples are the woman's idea. The husbands are the last to know.

That debunks the myth of an older man divorcing his wife for a younger woman.

The study looked at more than 1,100 people ages 40 to 79 who had divorced in their 40s, 50s or 60s.

It found that women over age 40 seemed more aware of problems in their marriages, while men were more likely to be caught off-guard by their divorces.

According to the survey, 26 percent of the men said they never saw it coming.

The research found that most women said they filed for divorces because of physical or emotional abuse, infidelity or drug and alcohol abuse.

Men said they sought divorces because they fell out love, they had different values or lifestyles, or infidelity.

The study said most older divorced people move on to other serious relationships -- and stay sexually active.

Copyright 2004 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed. [/QB][/QUOTE]

When I moved, I found lists of concerns I had written to discuss with H. He ignored or refused to discuss my concerns. My guess is that many men thought that because they were Ok in the M, their wives were too - despite attempts at communication.

Not just men are caught off guard. Women, too. Look at the number of women who come here after discovering their spouse’s affair and say “Everything was perfect before. We had the best marriage ever.” Huh?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">According to the survey, 26 percent of the men said they never saw it coming. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I suspect most of the remaining 74% did see it coming because they were the ones having an affair. Who files for divorce is irrelevant - in many cases the BS files after the WS has left for the OP - and the reason the BS files is either because she or he finds infidelity unforgivable or in order to protect her or his assets.

My H left when we were in our mid/late forties. He actually told our oldest daughter that he had waited till the kids were grown - (our youngest was 3 at the time!) He didn't quite fit the stereotype of the man dumping his wife for someone younger, because the OW is a bit older than I - but far richer. I think there is a lot of truth to the stereotype that rich men leave for younger trophy OW's, while poor men leave for rich older women.

I'll chime in on this one. I agree with Nellie. It doesn't matter who files. I was the one who filed after trying for about a year and a half to save my M after my H moved in with his young thing (note I did not say sweet, and even my H admitted, as if to justify his behavior, that she's definitely no trophy).

And there was also the emotional abuse, threats of physical abuse, and alcohol and drug abuse that really all began just 4 months before H moved out. I was one of those greengables described who really thought everything was great, with some normal, to be expected problems up until that time.

Funny thing, now he seems to be starting to have regrets, just as the divorce is finally within sight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ThornedRose:
<strong>
who say's they "needed" their husband's income to begin with??

But it does make one wonder--what were the husbands doing that they didn't have a CLUE there were problems within the marriage??? Why were these men caught off-guard?? apparently they weren't putting their marriage's first in order to know there were actually problems--
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off, thank you and everyone here for the thoughtful responses. I thought this article might get at least mild interest.

There are more than a few posts in this forum where access to the STBX Husband's money is an issue. There have been hundreds of posts about child support and alimony. This would suggest that many women need the money the husband brings in, and if they don't, at very least, the children are entitled to some support from both parents.

As to where the men were that they didn't see it coming, the survey is a good idea. I was doing the upwardly mobile thing, getting an education under the GI bill while working a full time job. And yes, I did learn to abuse alcohol in the process. If you don't know my story, one by one, each of my three children returned to my custody, and by the time we were divorced eighteen months, I had all three of them. I raised and educated them without any financial help from my ex. My children are all married today, and I have four grand children.

It wasn't that I didn't have a clue that my ex was having an affair, it was all right there for me to see, but I just couldn't bring myself to believe it for a number of years. When she got to the point that she was charging motel rooms on a joint credit card that I was paying for, it became real in a hurry.

I'll respond to the rest of these posts tomorrow, but I had to answer TR tonight. She is one of my favorites, mostly because my views differ from hers, and that different point of view is always refreshing.

Bumperii,


--There are more than a few posts in this forum where access to the STBX Husband's money is an issue. There have been hundreds of posts about child support and alimony. This would suggest that many women need the money the husband brings in, and if they don't, at very least, the children are entitled to some support from both parents.--

TR--Well, I don't know if it's that they "need" it
or they are just trying to get the state required child support--but yes, some of them do--as they were stay at home mom's during the marriage--as I was--but I didn't fight for alimony--and yet, I could have--

When he decided to pack his things and leave, it was a 'financial move" on his part--making comments about how "when he leave's HIS money goes with him" I said that's fine--I can go out and get another job--as I worked before we were married--that made him angry--

Sure it's been a financial strain--but it wasn't about the money--I wanted him working in town--and home every night--not in another state across the country--and personally I took his comment's about the money offensive--like the ONLY reason I was married to him was for his paycheck--He even fought the amount of child support the state said he was required to pay--(his lawyer said I was asking for way to much)we finally went to a mediator who calulated it out on the state shild support program--(same thing my lawyer had done)
and he finally accepted the amount--

--I was doing the upwardly mobile thing, getting an education under the GI bill while working a full time job.

TR--My ex was doing the drinking thing too--and going to the strip clubs--and whatever else and then lying to me about it--I found out when he was staying at my brother's house for awhile just how much he was actually drinking--it got to the point he was calling me asking me to send him money from the household account--and when I said I couldn't send it because I had to pay bill's here he would get angry--and start up with He was broke and if I didn't send it he'd been sleeping in his truck--(I should have allowed that to happen--*maybe* he would have hit rock bottom--and decided he needed to make some changes)

I found out about the strip clubs by catching him in the lies---he'd say one thing and then change his story--I was on the phone with him one day and someone came into his office--I could hear the guy asking him what time he finally left he club and what he thought of the one stripper--when I asked him about it--he said "Oh he was talking to someone else (with his name)" which I knew was a lie--because he just told me he stepped into the office and had a minute alone to talk--and then started saying he just went out for a couple hours and he didn't have to answer to me about what HE did (I'd called him 5 times in the course of the night to tell him something important--and left messages for him to call me as SOON as he got in)that was 3 months into the marriage--and yet I stayed hoping things would change--hoping he would keep his promises about finding another job and coming home--

And even though the money would help for the kids--I couldn't take it anymore--and I felt the money was being used as more of a noose around my neck--

So yes, even though many of the women could "use" the money--I don't think it's a matter of
"needing" it--as I know in my case--It would be helpful--but I don't "need" it in order to survive--I can live on less and I do--and I am more content--than I ever have been--

I've seen God work in my life in some awesome way's since I've removed that noose from around my neck--