Beer Troubleshooting


Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
Action: Have yourself chained to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

Symptom: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and laughs.
Fault: You are dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, and mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

Symptom: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room.
Fault: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door.
Action: Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you.

How to clean a toilet.


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ?power-wash? and ?rinse?.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Tony, have you no shame? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Now I need to get a cat!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by javaSansContour:
<strong> How to clean a toilet.


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ?power-wash? and ?rinse?.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO! NO! NO! THAT's just not right!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Hey... I have a cat... and a toilet!!!!

Two birds, one stone.

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park.

The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". T

he blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

How did we go from beer, to cats, to blondes?

Did I mention I am a blonde?

Have a good one!

Take care and God bless!
K

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still reeling:
<strong> How did we go from beer, to cats, to blondes? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy I have a really bad comment that probably get me kicked off this site. So I will bite my tongue.

But I must say that Beer and Blondes are two of my favorite subjects. I don't know where "java's" mind is at talking that way about kitty cats.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How did we go from beer, to cats, to blondes? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A blonde walks into a bar with a cat and orders a beer>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Shouldn't it be "A cat walks into a bar with a blonde and orders a beer" afterall I believe cats are quite intelligent.

or it could be

"A blonde cat was lapping up a beer"

or a cat fight over a beer by 2 bl...


well nevermind

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WishI WereHome:
<strong> or a cat fight over a beer by 2 bl...


well nevermind </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, No, nO, now you're thinking. That might just be a Pay Per View special, right there.

Have you any Tuesday funnies?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by xpButtercup:
<strong> Have you any Tuesday funnies? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not really but I'll try:


Maggie's first pregnancy had produced triplets. With considerable pride she was telling her blonde friend how this happened once in every 200,000 times.

The blonde's eyes widened: "Beats me how you ever found time to do any housework!"

Why did Michael Jackson crash a 28 year old's birthday party?


He thought there would be 20 8year olds there

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don’t have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)

4. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties)

5. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


6. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know...... it never happened)

7. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn)