Hello all,

You may have followed my other threads about my situation. During our most recent (last?) session with MC, he raised question of separation, vs divorce, so we have some time apart and each of us can work on our own issues.

I'm a little suspicious on this...I raised this about a month or so ago, and my quashed it. We have since spoken about how I would contest a divorce, even though I knew I would lose. This seemed to shake her up, especially since I've repeatedly said that I won't buy into telling our kids "mom and dad don't want to live together anymore, but we still love you, this is all for the best". Now, she's suddenly receptive to the idea.

Anyone have any experience with this? My goal is to resurrect the marriage, not to ease my wife's road to divorce...is this as bad an idea as my gut tells me that is? Any ideas, experiences, etc., would be greatly appreciated...thanks!!!

Hi Bob
I'm not sure of your personal history & timeline, but here are a few points of which you may already be aware:

There are instances of controlled separation, which is monitored by a counselor (or possibly a pastor/minister) that COULD work. They work best when both parties WANT to stay married and are dedicated to working on their situation on a daily basis, all the while, keeping appointments with the counselor. But oftentimes they backfire, usually because one party wasn't as committed as the other. I fear this may be the case with your wife.

Once one person moves out, it opens a whole other can of worms. It makes it "appear" as if you wanted the marriage to end (even though that's not the case). Also, if you left, child custody could become an issue. Most posters here would say to stay in the house in order to establish parental rights.

Bottom line, as long as you're in the house, you can do Plan A. Hang in there as long as you can; we know it's difficult. Once either of you moves out, you can't help but establish individual lifestyles, which IMHO lead to the deterioration of your marriage.

Why do you think this may be your last MC session? Surely the counselor wouldn't have suggested trial separation in the "final" session.

Thanks, Avondale.

Well, it is not our last session...we will be back on June 12 with counselor, who wants to talk with our kids about what they are witnessing in our house. Wife made statement in our last session that kids would be better off with her, which prompted counselor to jump all over her about why she would say something like that. So we now will have kids in this, beginning June 12.

Counselor is a former Catholic priest, and he said that we would continue separate sessions during separation.

I'm still not sold on this...I still think it's a ploy to get me out of the house; about a month ago, wife mentioned that she wasn't interested in this, that it WOULD be a way to get me out. Since then, I indicated that I won't move, that she'll have to serve me while I'm still living here. Now, in last session, she showed interest again, so I'm suspicious. Just wondering if anyone had any experiences like this...

By the way, what is IMHO? Thanks.

In my HUMBLE opinion. IMHO

Bob,
My wife only went to counseling to make her case look better in court. I agreed to move out in the separation so she wouldn't drag my 3 yr old daughter all over the country side. Looking back, it probably hurt my case for custody, but my daughter is a lot better off for it. Everthing I do is for the best interest of my child, irregardless of the end results it may have on me.
Hope this helps.

If you do a controlled separation, you can negotiate to stay in the house. If you just divorce, you will have to fight for everything. Separation is better when neither or either party can control their Taker.