I am almost finished this book, and find it has been a real eye opener for me.

I am interested to hear what other readers have to say.

love and light,

Jacky

I haven't read it, but please summarize for me. Thx!

Nina---I have just finished reading WWLTM. It was my saving grace. Last month was very overwhelming and some decisions and situations made me fall under a cloud of depression. I have seen myself in the pages of this book and I truly believe that "if you know the truth, the truth will set you free."

Flygirl--Loving too much means obsessing about a man, allowing it to control your emotions and much of your behavior and finding yourself unable to let go. You have developed the art of rescuing, caretaking, and fixing and can get a high from this way of life. When the needy/dysfunctional man in your life is gone, there is no more adrenaline of fixing, advice-giving, taking over so you feel you cannot live without a man (a helpless, needy man) so then the cycle continues as you hook up with another needy, indifferent or cruel partner. If the spouse is an addict, then you are the co-addict being addicted to him and his problems.

WWLTM are willing to take more responsibility than the addicted/needy spouse is in initiating the relationship and keeping it going.

WWLTM grow up trying to make right whatever was wrong in their family of origan and they naturally carry that pattern into their marriage. A womam like this gets her sense of worth from carrying responsibilities, taking care of others and sacrificing her own wants and needs.

I truly can relate to all this cause I stayed in a marriage for over 30 years trying to fix and change my husband. I did everything for everyone. I ran from morning til might making life easy and "happy" for everybody. I worked on our marriage day and night. Every good thing or bit of attention WS gave me kept me going thinking that I could love him into being a good, healthy, emotionally available spouse.

This book has helped me get more closure with the ending of my M. I feel like I have taken a giant step to recovery this past few weeks. I feel alive again and excited about what is going on in my life. I wanted so bad to find someone else but this book has showm me so clearly that finding someone else is not what will make me happy and satisfied. If I did not learn this, I may have even chose another spouse like the one I left.

I would love to see more discussion on this book and sure wish I could find a support group around where I live with this subject. I know I can loose sight of what I am doing and can fall into unhealthy patterns without even kmowing it.

TW

Excellent summary tossedwave <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I got the book because after my divorce I had been very puzzled why I held onto my bad marriage for so long, and then got myself into another relationship where I had/have trouble really letting go (in my heart). And when I examined all my past relationships with men I saw the same thing. I always end up feeling hurt so much because I give and give and feel like I end up hitting a brick wall.

Loving was not a pleasant situation for me. It was always a struggle, and mostly painful. One day I realised that if it hurts so much, it isn't love...I knew I needed to do something to alter my behaviour. So I got the book, and it has/will change my life.

I got rid of some deadwood in my world already, which was necessary because that friend was not doing me any good. He had problems I was aware of right from the start, and being the fixer that I had learned to become as a child, I was trying to 'fix' him. Naturally he took whatever help I gave, but his weakness in maintaining our friendship was damaging me and my self esteem all over again.

And for my part, I was teaching him to treat me poorly by always being available to his calls for help when he was just not able to reciprocate that for me. I was telling him "I will bend over backwards for you my friend, soak it up, no matter how you treat me".

Also trying to fix HIM and other people gave me a convenient excuse for not trying to fix myself. So, I told him not to call anymore (not that he did much anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). And while it hurts to let go, I know it is the best thing for me, because I actually feel better for it.

Read the book...I think men could even benefit from it too because I think men can also love too much.

Love and light,

Jacky

OMIGOD I need to read this book. Thx for the summary, I can identify.

The OM in my life was even more dysfunctional than my H, (self-pity, helpless, depressed, hopeless, passive, mentally impotent, the victim) and I was always trying to help him, trying to make things better for him in any way I could. I would use my dysfunctional family life experiences as a reference point when we talked.

The big difference here - HE perpetuated the relationship. Every time he got to be too much, or hurt my feelings... I walked away. I wasn't consumed and it wasn't all that painful to leave (I think it was b/c my guilt over the A was so intense I was looking for an "out" without having to be the one to inflict pain). But he wouldn't let me go... he would come after me, call me, you-name-it to keep me in his life (said I was the only thing he had worth waking up for every day). Of course, the attention would usually bring me back either tentatively or intensely depending on what he said. I wonder why that part is different from the MO in the book of WWLTM.

Anyway, I'll pick it up and read it. If my H and I do end up DV and IF I ever get into another relationship again (BIG IF), I don't want to repeat the horrible pattern.

Flygirl---there is a story in the book about a women who had an affair with a married man and I bet you will see some patterns in that you can relate to.

What did you mean here? I wonder why that part is different from the MO in the book of WWLTM.

When you get the book, keep us posted on how you are growing from it.

I borrowed the book from the library but know I have to get myself a copy and re-read it to keep my perspective. My dealings with my WH have turned a corner and I no longer feel the same pull toward him as I did. Matter of fact, he has been de-idolized by this book. He no longer has the same effect on me.......yippppeeeee

Nina--- I got rid of some deadwood in my world already, which was necessary because that friend was not doing me any good How liberating is that. Isn't it great to be able to realize things that lead to healthier more serene living??
There are choices in life and with God's help, we can make them.

I still can't believe I have done what I did for so long. I had been planning on reading this book for years and never did but I guess the timing was perfect at this point in my life.

I am still afraid of dating and picking someone needy again but I am not even legally divorced so dating is not happening for me.

TW