Elisabeth---I just read Women Who Love Too Much by R. Norwood and it helped me so much. If your WS is abusive, you have to look at why you want to stay in relationship with him and what you can do to create healthy boundaries. No body deserves to be treated cruelly. That should be a real red flag for you-----Do you ever wonder why you would want to live with someone who not only abused you but your son?

Check out Nina,too's thread about this book. It might spark something you can relate to.

TW

Elisabeth:

If there was physical abuse in your marriage, believe me... you are better off without him until he gets help and has it under control. Never ever stay in a relationship where there is physical abuse!!!!

As for the A, I might guess that you are obsessed with it b/c you think that in some way it is/was about you. I am a WW, and I can tell you categorically that A's are NOT about the betrayed spouse. They are about the wayward one. If this is the case, once come to grips with this then maybe you can start to let it go and move on. The things about my M that led me towards an A I thought, at the time, were about what my H didn't give me or do for me. Now I know that it was more about what I didn't DEMAND out of our relationship. That it was about the things I ALWAYS KNEW WERE MISSING from our relationship that I couldn't create. Really had nothing to do with him. He is who he is and was who he was and I married him knowing that and eventually our relationship unravelled b/c I couldn't deal with it, so instead I escaped to something easier with instant gratification.

If this is nail hammer head, and you are taking this all personally, let's chat some more. But seriously, address the abuse before you do anything else.

Elisabeth

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When I talk w/my H on the phone, I still bring up his affair. Why? Why can't I let it go?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My best guess is that his A hurt you more than any physical abuse possibly could.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" ?

Have you posted on any of the Affair boards here?

But the big question that I hate to hit you with is>>

Why did he always threaten you with D???
Did he want you to agree with him but never had the guts to actually do it to you without you saying that it was what you wanted too???

Sorry if I put a question in your mind that you don't need but I just write what comes to my mind .

WIWH

Hi Elizabeth - I was reading a new thread of yours and went back to read your old ones - this one caught my eye - Your H is emotionally abusive as well - controlling you before by threatening divorce.

What about his previous wife's, I am wondering if physical or emotional abuse led to those M's failing?

Your H does obviously need some help - counselling, maybe he keeps making the same mistakes and really hasn't learnt anything else

<small>[ June 19, 2004, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>

If he thinks it's an accident, you're in danger if he doesn't take complete responsibility for it.

This is something I typed up that Harley said to a woman whose husband was abusive and claimed it was because of sexual abuse by a cousin when he was growing up: " One of the things you have to understand about domestic violence is that they’re always coming up with an excuse…The real problem is…he is not willing to control his own behavior. And it’s something he can do…He can do it. But if he starts saying, “Well, reason I’m this way is because of this or that or it’s because of what you’ve done or these…You see, as soon as you hear these arguments, from a therapist’s standpoint, you just sit there and say, “Well, you know, he’s probably going to go through another experience of this again before I have a chance to reach him.” What I’ve got to get him to say is, “It’s all my fault. It’s not the fault of my background. It’s not the fault of my genetics. It’s not the fault of my wife. It’s my fault. The person in me that is in control of everything I do. I make the choice to be violent, and that’s why I do it.”

Having a broken arm was traumatic, especially with the surgery and all, but the affair was far more traumatic emotionally. However, I recognize that it was the chokings and cracking my skull that could have killed me. He could have killed you.

It's hard to let go. Someday, he can come back and tell you the abuse was all his fault, but if he doesn't, my guess is that a reconciliation would result in more abuse, not in a good marriage.

Cherished

<small>[ June 20, 2004, 02:34 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>