Well, your BF is obviously very confused about something. What it is exactly I can't tell, but if somebody loses "several" (that sounds like at least three?) cousins he was close to in a sudden catastrophe, that's a pretty traumatic event that could shake up his life. There certainly could be some kind of delayed shock or grief at work here. But that doesn't seem to be all there is to it, and perhaps the event triggered many other realizations, unrelated in themselves, that he's having trouble dealing with.<p>Of course you're deeply affected by this when you've been in a close relationship with expectations of your own. What it means for the future I can't tell. Whatever all this turmoil is in his head, remember that it's
all about his stuff and it's
not about you.<p>This doesn't mean he's necessarily going to "get over" whatever it is. He may or may not; and if he's some kind of crazy mixed-up kid it's a bad idea to hang onto him in the long term, even if he's reluctantly willing to let you. You don't want to marry a fixup project. They rarely do get "fixed up," and it usually leads to years of frustration and eventually giving up in disgust. But maybe he's just going through something, whatever it is, and if that's true, time will tell. Just don't give it
too much time--like months and years.<p>I don't see any real evidence that he's involved with anyone else. It's a possibility, that's all. Who's to say why he thinks he's "f*cked up his life" and the rest of it? This is far too vague. It could have to do with anything at all: drug or criminal involvement, a felt lack of ambition or clear life goals, or just the way he thinks he's treated other people. Or he could be suffering from "survivor guilt." About whether he "loves you" or not, it's almost meaningless to ask that question in his present state. It's not a matter of "lying" or "not lying" when he told you he loved you. It was a matter of how he felt at a particular time, and that's been upset by all this turbulence in his head.<p>Similarly, I'm sure he's not saying anything to
try to confuse you. I often see inferences of this kind. "Because I feel confused (or hurt or whatever), therefore the other person must have intended to confuse me" (or hurt me or whatever). The false assumption behind this is that the other person is not only predicting accurately, but
thinking at all about what effects their words are having on another. This guy is too busy struggling to sort out stuff of his own, whatever that may be, and at times when he's into his own head you may not even be on his radar screen. He's confusing you
because he's confused himself, that's all. You may be trying to help him, and thinking you can help him, but in his mind you may at times be just another source of conflicting demands of your own that only make his confusion worse. So he tries to push you away. There may be some "gender stuff" in here too, because women often find for themselves that "talking things through" solves a problem for them, while men often find for their own part a need to push away what they see as "outside interference" to give them the space to work through what's in their heads on their own.<p>But there's more than just "gender stuff" going on here. The point is, you're two separate people with separate needs and agendas. He wants to work through some baggage of his. You want to hang onto an ongoing relationship with him, and to increase his commitment to you, and you're desperate to
help him. These needs can be in conflict. I don't think for a moment that you're "psycho," but in his confused state what he may see as "clinging" on your part just adds to his stress, so he may be thinking "Aargh! I can't stand this!" It's all very subjective on his part.<p>But don't forget, this doesn't mean the relationship is good
for you, since he can't satisfy
your needs in this state either. It could be that his last girlfriend wasn't "psycho" either, that it was just the way he saw her when she tried to hang onto him too. But it is a red flag when history seems to be repeating itself. Maybe he has a history of going through such phases. Or even if he did attract a genuinely psycho girlfriend in the past, that might be an indication of "problems" he has himself. Birds of a feather, and all that.<p>I think your friends are giving you good advice when they tell you to back off for a month and see what happens. But I do find some things more troubling in the long term. One, as I said, is that history could be repeating itself with him. Another is the extremeness of all this beating himself over the head, feeling "worthless" and the rest of it. If it's a good idea to back off, at the same time I would try to persuade him to get some counseling for himself, for his own good even if the relationship has no future.<p>But I do advise you to do your best to
detach from his problems. I'm seeing more than just "love" and "involvement" here. There's a big hint of codependent entanglement as well. I notice you said "I was overjoyed that he was going to let me try and help him." If you'd said you were overjoyed that he was getting himself sorted out (or had done), that he loved you, that you were going to have a happy relationship with a future, or any of those things, that would all be understandable. But what you seem to be excited about is the prospect of a mission to help fix him up! That's codependent stuff, and if it's a pattern, you're going to get stuck in a frustrating lifetime of picking partners who need fixing up and then struggling to do it, usually with a dismal lack of success. So I hope for your own sake that you'll stand aside from this guy for the time being--whether or not he gets himself sorted out is irrelevant in the long run--and take a look to see where you're coming from yourself. Good luck--and a Happy Shamrock to you!
