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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 99
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Hi I am a guy that realy needed to read HN/HN 25 years ago, before I pushed my wife into marrige. But I din't. And well now I love her more than life itself,,,,, but the feeling aint very mutual. For most of our 23 years she has been quitely miserable. I love her and want love, was not loved, was miserable. We drank a lot, me more than her. She moved out with 11 and 12 yr old girls new years day, nearby and not for anyone else. She just didnt want to keep having sex with someone she didn't love. Also told me she had a problem with the drinking, I quit and have no desire to go back to drinking, I just want my wife to be happy,,,, with me.I was given a copy of HN/HN and read it. I have gotten some response from her but she has never been into reading, while litterate it is labourious for her and she dont want to read much. Her Taker is in control most of the time and she has little patience with being read to. My current plan of action is to keep reading the good DR.s works and applying them. The feedback I need is that I have not seen anything about "started on the wrong foot" and would like to see what those of you out there might have to say.
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Joined: Sep 2001
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How or where you started isn't so much an issue as what you are doing about it now.<p>What needs does your wife have that you are meeting now? Are you trying to meet her needs? Have you asked her what you can do to help her? Have you learned what gives her loving feelings? <p>Do you listen to her when she says to STOP, or Don't DO that? Do you hear her when she talks to you? Do you follow her lead? Or are you forcing, manipulating, controlling her bahaviors now?<p>You said you pushed your wife into marrying you - tell us about that.<p>Jan
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Joined: Mar 2002
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Thank you for your interest. Well here goes.<p>What needs does your wife have that you are meeting now? Well she filled ou the emotional need survey with all zeros. But have given her my van when hers lost an engine ( neither of us can afford to fix, but I will asap) and I now drive an illegal 1978 motorhome. I watch the girls, take them all where they need to go, pay for their lessons and such to the point that I am broke. I wash dishes and care for animals in her rented house, fix the appliances the landlord dont,,, aw skip it.<p>Have you asked her what you can do to help her? She says she need time to decide whether she wants to be married to me or not. To me after, June 1 will be 24years, this does not compute. Is not an option or wedding vows did not mention this.<p> Have you learned what gives her loving feelings? Well it used to be alchohol, but we quit drinking. She had for several months needed Benadryl to be in the same bed with me to combat hives, with varying degrees of sucsess. Uh well no I have not and she has not been able to tell me.<p>Do you listen to her when she says to STOP, or Don't DO that? When I was a drunk I tried but was never good enough, havent had much oppertunity since,when we dried up so did she<p>Do you hear her when she talks to you? Yes but she speaks so rarely and understates her feelings , compounded by my adhd that she does not find satisfaction in this. I have taken to having her write down important things and this seems to help, both her taking me seriously and my ability to respond.<p>Do you follow her lead? Right now there might as well be a ring in my nose. But before she left she would not take a lead as she "had me in a box" as not caring, so that even when I tried she blew anything I did off as either my way or "just to get sex". I can understand how we got there but am having trouble leaving!<p>Or are you forcing, manipulating, controlling her bahaviors now? Yeah right, and the Talliban controls the Whitehouse. Sorry, no not at all.<p>You said you pushed your wife into marrying you - tell us about that.<p>When I was introduce to her she was almost 15 and had lost her father to cancer the year b4. Her mother had been in and out of hospitals for years with profound depression from(unknown to me at the time) having been raped and forced to have an abortion at 16. I had roughly a dozen girls that I dated and wanted to mary but my feelings for her blew the rest out the window, it was litteraly love at first sight. Mom was cold as a pickle and Dad just beat the **** out of me as a mater of routine. I didnt know what love was but craved it. Unfortunately in our first few dates I managed to get my hand down her pants. That was as far as it went. I soon proposed. Her mother had instilled her with such wisdom as she felt she was "damaged goods" and she felt that even though she couldnt stand me(she says now but I couldnt tell at the time) she felt that she had no choice but to accept. After two years she graduated (after going to great trouble to graduate a year early) and we were to mary. She finaly went to her preacher and decided that she didnt have to mary me. She told me 2 days before the wedding. I was advissed that this was just the jitters. I told her that I loved her so much that I would probly shoot myself if she didnt mary me. So she did.<p>At this point reading this I feel like the stupidest person in the world. But I would rather tell all and try to fix this than to eat a load of buckshot. I will apreciate any sugjestions. Thank you.
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Joined: Mar 2002
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wow...I may have finally met my dysfunctional match...came from the same kind of background of pain. Sounds like the time you forced her to marry you...you were both just kids...all of us are stupid and naive at that age and feel like we'll die if we lose the apple of our eye...you just verbalized it and now you feel like you forced her. Give yourself a break...y'all were just babies...stop feeling guilty...it really is ancient history. I know every body gets this answer...but maybe counceling could help...would she go?
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Joined: Jun 2001
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I would strongly suggest marriage counseling. It sounds like it would really help both of you. Our counselor told us she believes in miracles, and believe me that's what it took for our marriage. We have been in and out of counseling for 6 years due to my H's affair with my former best friend. It has been hard, but well worth it. Some problems just can't be worked through without a professional. I wish you luck
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Joined: Mar 2002
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Well I went to counceling and got her to go some 10 years ago. I dealt with it and have little problem with self forgiveness. She on the otherhand lied to me about things doing better and tells me now that when she left counceling she still wanted a D. Also the counceling group had a lot of literature that was basicly right way wrong way stuff, well when I asked her if she got anything from it she dismised it as "all that crap that says I am bad." Well I better get back to work cleaning up the mess around here, she said that if I fixxed the place back up she would try to come back. ( I am a packrat and had let the house slide. As for the packrat it is a bad habbit that goes back to infancy where I substitute the good fealings love is supposed to give you for good fealings of possesions (even junk). Eventualy hid pain in a bottle. And that sorta amplified things.) She is only coming back for the kids sake and I had to promise that I could live with no sex (gulp) if need be. But maybee this would be a good time to mention that I am one of the most stubborn persons you will ever meet and that I intend to make this work or else. Oh [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] when she was telling me to go find someone else, maybe some one with sexual feelings, I recited till death do us part and told her that if she wanted to get rid of me she would have to shoot me. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] That may have been a stupid thing to say but it is the truth as I see it.
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Joined: Mar 2002
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Actually, I like the part out about she'd have to shoot you....sounds like a pretty strong committment to me....hope she sees it that way and doesn't buy a gun [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] As far as living without sex....maybe you could negotiate this a little and see if non agressive...non sexual touching would be ok in the short term and promise to let her initiate sex or not....with a promise of no recriminations if she doesn't. In other words, try her brand of romance for awhile....affection and conversation until your brand can be executed as well. Of course this is not a long term solution and just a suggestion....good luck
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Joined: Mar 2002
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Thats not funny. I have about thirty and many are loaded and redily available. But not to worry she wouldnt......I think! No but seriously folks, she is still in a mode where she wants to take everything the wrong way. Got feelings hurt today, and made threat of moving away. Shooting from the hip I told her if she gave up and moved with the kids I would get "ugly" with lawyers, but that was not where I wanted to go there. I do not like being that way cuz I feel like a controler when I do that sort of thing, I just didnt know how else to keep her in negotiating range. Ended discussion with lots of I love u's. Any feedback welcome, I can fix anything electromechanical, and many other peoples probs are easily solved, but I am driving blind here folks! Like I would be up at two in the am.... otherwise.<p>1
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