My husband has left me 3 times, 2 of which he started out at my mom's empty furnished house. The first time he went right to her house. I told him to go there each time to think about our situation and to decide whether what he is doing is what he wants. My mom right now is with me on Hospice. He ended up at the O/W house both times a few days after he went to my moms. He stayed with her 2 months each time before returning to me. Now he is at my moms since May 1, he is also doing work inside that needs to be done while he is staying there, but I discovered the other day he is still seeing the O/W. She picks him up and he leaves his truck there as if he is in the house, but he goes over her house and she returns him at 5 a.m. I confronted both of them that day I discovered it and told them both a piece of my mind. Alot of good that did. They still are doing the same thing. I told him if he is not sure about what he is doing he can stay there. But under the circumstances that he is going there all night anyway, should I tell him to leave?????????? My girlfriend said leave him there, that he is just enjoying his freedom and is doing his thing that he wants to do, that after his fling if over, he will come back to me. She said he is unsure of staying with her, that is why he is still at my mom's and not permanently in her house like before. But I find myself thinking WHY should he have it so good, while I'm stewing in the pot here at home, still being a detective as to what he is doing. Please, can someone give me an idea of how when I wake up at 4 am, I can stop myself from going past both of the houses......Its like a mission I have, but I did discover what's going on that way. But now that I know, I want to stop doing it and get on with my life if he is chosing her over me.......Can someone give me suggestions to stop checking them out, and also an opinion on whether to leave him stay there, or tell him to go at this point not that I know he is still seeing her....................Thanks

By allowing him to stay there, you are ENABLING him to live this carefree life, without forcing him to make a choice. He's a cakeman now, getting exactly what he wants.
I say, move to Plan B, which includes not living at your mom's. If he's with OW full time, it will not look as rosy.

Lefty, you’ve got to assume he’s at the OW’s house for now. So, when you wake up at 4:00 am, you can wonder if he’s driving her nuts with his snoring or cover-stealing or tossing and turning, while you are able to lie peacefully alone.

Meanwhile, send him a letter asking him to vacate the premises. Actually, I’d have your lawyer send it. Sounds so much more threatening.

Your girlfriend’s idea of letting him have his fun and then he’ll come back to you sounds all right if all you want is a man in the house, and if you don’t care about the cost.

However, I get the sense from you that you do care about the costs of getting him back. I think you care about your own self-esteem and pride. I don’t believe you want him back under any circumstances, but rather under specific circumstances.

So, far it doesn’t look like he’s coming back at all. So… let’s worry about what’s good for Lefty.

Is it good for Lefty to get up at 4 am and drive around? No, in fact it’s not particularly safe.

Is it good for Lefty that her errant husband is living in her mother’s house? Well, he’s doing work for free there, but he could turn around and submit an invoice which would screw Lefty over. Plus, emotionally Lefty feels like he’s taking advantage of the situation.

Is it good for Lefty to be talking to her errant husband? No, all it does is bring out the harsh, and hurt side and Lefty feels sad and rejected and really, really angry.

Is it good for Lefty that her husband treat her like a revolving door? No. It disrupts the stability in her already busy schedule. It turns her emotions topsy-turvy, and leaves her wondering what the heck is going on.

Lefty, I can see all the bad stuff in the situation. So, what is stopping you from moving to Plan B where you have no contact with your husband? There is something. Here’s a list of possibilities I can think of. Not all of them will apply to you and there may be more that you can think of that do apply to you.

Guilt over something you did or didn’t do in the marriage.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of financial repercussions
Enjoying the adrenaline rush of the drama
Enjoying the attention you get as a result of the drama
Satisfaction out of being a martyr
Lack of responsibility that comes with being the victim, or passive pawn.
Various religious teachings which are twisted to convince women we should be enablers of our spouses. The “stand by your man” syndrome.
Various aspects of other relationships, particularly your father or mother, that have recurred in this relationship.

Now, I’ve got another book to recommend. It’s called The Art of Possibility and is written by Rosamund and Ben Zander. It’s a wonderful book and I think you’ll enjoy it. It has tools to help you change the way you think about your situation. And the best part? It’s not about marriage or divorce at all. These are tools about how we think and perceive the world. You could use these tools to reframe your situation, and I think you’ll be surprised at the results.
Lefty, you’ve got to assume he’s at the OW’s house for now. So, when you wake up at 4:00 am, you can wonder if he’s driving her nuts with his snoring or cover-stealing or tossing and turning, while you are able to lie peacefully alone.

Meanwhile, send him a letter asking him to vacate the premises. Actually, I’d have your lawyer send it. Sounds so much more threatening.

Your girlfriend’s idea of letting him have his fun and then he’ll come back to you sounds all right if all you want is a man in the house, and if you don’t care about the cost.

However, I get the sense from you that you do care about the costs of getting him back. I think you care about your own self-esteem and pride. I don’t believe you want him back under any circumstances, but rather under specific circumstances.

So, far it doesn’t look like he’s coming back at all. So… let’s worry about what’s good for Lefty.

Is it good for Lefty to get up at 4 am and drive around? No, in fact it’s not particularly safe.

Is it good for Lefty that her errant husband is living in her mother’s house? Well, he’s doing work for free there, but he could turn around and submit an invoice which would screw Lefty over. Plus, emotionally Lefty feels like he’s taking advantage of the situation.

Is it good for Lefty to be talking to her errant husband? No, all it does is bring out the harsh, and hurt side and Lefty feels sad and rejected and really, really angry.

Is it good for Lefty that her husband treat her like a revolving door? No. It disrupts the stability in her already busy schedule. It turns her emotions topsy-turvy, and leaves her wondering what the heck is going on.

Lefty, I can see all the bad stuff in the situation. So, what is stopping you from moving to Plan B where you have no contact with your husband? There is something. Here’s a list of possibilities I can think of. Not all of them will apply to you and there may be more that you can think of that do apply to you.

Guilt over something you did or didn’t do in the marriage.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of financial repercussions
Enjoying the adrenaline rush of the drama
Enjoying the attention you get as a result of the drama
Satisfaction out of being a martyr
Lack of responsibility that comes with being the victim, or passive pawn.
Various religious teachings which are twisted to convince women we should be enablers of our spouses. The “stand by your man” syndrome.
Various aspects of other relationships, particularly your father or mother, that have recurred in this relationship.

Now, I’ve got another book to recommend. It’s called The Art of Possibility and is written by Rosamund and Ben Zander. It’s a wonderful book and I think you’ll enjoy it. It has tools to help you change the way you think about your situation. And the best part? It’s not about marriage or divorce at all. These are tools about how we think and perceive the world. You could use these tools to reframe your situation, and I think you’ll be surprised at the results.
Lefty, you’ve got to assume he’s at the OW’s house for now. So, when you wake up at 4:00 am, you can wonder if he’s driving her nuts with his snoring or cover-stealing or tossing and turning, while you are able to lie peacefully alone.

Meanwhile, send him a letter asking him to vacate the premises. Actually, I’d have your lawyer send it. Sounds so much more threatening.

Your girlfriend’s idea of letting him have his fun and then he’ll come back to you sounds all right if all you want is a man in the house, and if you don’t care about the cost.

However, I get the sense from you that you do care about the costs of getting him back. I think you care about your own self-esteem and pride. I don’t believe you want him back under any circumstances, but rather under specific circumstances.

So, far it doesn’t look like he’s coming back at all. So… let’s worry about what’s good for Lefty.

Is it good for Lefty to get up at 4 am and drive around? No, in fact it’s not particularly safe.

Is it good for Lefty that her errant husband is living in her mother’s house? Well, he’s doing work for free there, but he could turn around and submit an invoice which would screw Lefty over. Plus, emotionally Lefty feels like he’s taking advantage of the situation.

Is it good for Lefty to be talking to her errant husband? No, all it does is bring out the harsh, and hurt side and Lefty feels sad and rejected and really, really angry.

Is it good for Lefty that her husband treat her like a revolving door? No. It disrupts the stability in her already busy schedule. It turns her emotions topsy-turvy, and leaves her wondering what the heck is going on.

Lefty, I can see all the bad stuff in the situation. So, what is stopping you from moving to Plan B where you have no contact with your husband? There is something. Here’s a list of possibilities I can think of. Not all of them will apply to you and there may be more that you can think of that do apply to you.

Guilt over something you did or didn’t do in the marriage.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of financial repercussions
Enjoying the adrenaline rush of the drama
Enjoying the attention you get as a result of the drama
Satisfaction out of being a martyr
Lack of responsibility that comes with being the victim, or passive pawn.
Various religious teachings which are twisted to convince women we should be enablers of our spouses. The “stand by your man” syndrome.
Various aspects of other relationships, particularly your father or mother, that have recurred in this relationship.

Now, I’ve got another book to recommend. It’s called The Art of Possibility and is written by Rosamund and Ben Zander. It’s a wonderful book and I think you’ll enjoy it. It has tools to help you change the way you think about your situation. And the best part? It’s not about marriage or divorce at all. These are tools about how we think and perceive the world. You could use these tools to reframe your situation, and I think you’ll be surprised at the results.