Could someone explain this to me? I have a friend whose wife left him 4 years ago and moved 1,000 miles away. They have no children or property together. She is living with another man. However, she's never been willing to cooperate in filing for divorce, so he finally had her served with papers. When he called to see if she'd signed them yet, she laughed and said she'd sign them when she felt like it. He just wants to move on now that he realizes reconciliation will never happen.

So what's in it for her? Why be so vindictive? I just don't get it.....

Not enough info to give any sort of answer. I'm wondering if she's just lazy or still getting some sort of financial benefit from being married, like medical insurance.

Nope, he's not in the military, just has a 40 hr a week job as a welder. No insurance benefits. Has spoken to him twice in 4 years, both times to tell him she hates him......

He says it's because she's a control freak and just likes to keep him on a string. As long as he's married to her, he can't marry anyone else.

Any advice for him?

Hmmm... here in Michigan if you don't respond within a certain amount of time, the person who filed gets everything they ask for. Going through this right now with my brother (who has his head in the sand) and my STBX-sis-in-law. She will get everything she is asking for because he won't get a lawyer or show up in court.

Maybe there is legal recourse for him. Hopefully he has a good attorney.

My state has it set up so that if the spouse hasn't lived in the same house for the last 2 years it's automatic. He shouldn't even need to have her sign anything or wait any period of time after filing.

OK call me jaded... But IMO whatever a married man tells you about his wife/marriage being all but over, but his wife won't allow him to get a divorce... is suspect.

The main message I got from your post was "He said". How do you really know if/why his wife moved? Do you know if she is really living with another man? That he's only spoken to her twice in years? (For that matter, do you know for a fact that he even has a wife?) Have you ever met or talked to her yourself?

My WH always told the OW that I was forcing him to stay married to me just to be vindictive. And he also added that I had supposedly told him I hated him and didn't want him anymore. Of course he was lying. I wonder if he'll pretend he's still stuck in a marrige to me even after the divorce? Why not? If he thinks the OW will believe any lie he tells them.

BTW, what is your involvement with this married man? Is there a reason it's important to you that he get the divorce (or that he needs to tell you he's not free to remarry)?

As the other posters have already pointed out, nobody can really force you to stay married against your will. Frankly I don't get it how so many married men are able to find sympathy for such a supposed plight.

He does not need her signature to get a divorce. He does need proof the papers have been served properly. So she holds nothing over him. He just needs some better legal advice.

Meremoral, you don’t think a man who’s wife has been shacked up with another man for 4 years deserves some sympathy when he finally decides to serve her with papers and she pulls an attitude? Why not?

And while no one can force you to stay married when you don't want to (thank heavens for that change!), they can make it very difficult. Chris CS's wife took off for parts unknown. He had no address for her, still doesn't.

Moving to another state also makes it difficult and moving to another country exponentially slows down the process if one spouse doesn't want to get divorced.

Finally, even under the best of circs. divorce is painful. And when a Betrayed spouse actually does file only to get the run around, it's really frustrating.

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 01:54 PM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

Who knows why she will not sign but if the State they were both married in is no fault (most are), there are no children and no common property as you stated. He can sue for divorce and obtain one without her signature as long there is proof that she received the service, which she obviousally has. Baba was right on.

As an added last resort. In Ohio, at least, if one spouse is gone for a year and unreachable for service, a notice posted in the local paper of the town where the marriage occurred is also considered "service" and the D will be granted.

Wish I never had to learn this stuff.

I asked him some more about it tonite.....I guess when she first left him she tried to control what lawyer he used and wouldn't sign unless he used hers, which he wouldn't......so then she moved away and it took him a year to find her, she was in Texas by then (he's in Iowa), she called and demanded he get the divorce done, but by then he was eyeballs deep in debt because of credit cards and check overdrafts she'd caused and couldn't afford it; now he finally filed and she's annoyed he didn't do it sooner, so she's playing games. Hmmmmm.......I can see why this marriage didn't work.

I suggested he talk to his attorney tomorrow. And yes, Meremortal, I do have a personal interest; I'm dating him. However, i've known him over 2 years, know his friends and family, and know that what he's telling me about this is true; he's not a married man trying to cheat on his wife, he's a married man whose been trying to get a divorce for a long time so he can move on with his life.

It is clear to me now why he cannot help you with your bills as I suggested in your other thread. And also why you two cannot buy a home.

When will he be out of debt? Is his credit ruined? I am sorry he did not close his accounts before she got her hands on them. And sorry he did not get a divorce when it would have been quick and easy. She seems to have ruled his world somehow. But you will be better for him!

Thanks Baba, he says I"m better for him too! And I know he's good for me.....his two biggest "flaws" are that he's too nice and a procrastinator, both of which worked against him in this situation. He has worked hard and gotten all the credit cards and check business taken care of, so he has no debt now. Now to just get this taken care of.....I'm actually very uncomfortable with the idea that i'm dating a married man, although I realize that he is married in name only, so I will be really relieved to get the divorce finalized.

Anna, two NICE people should be together! Then one will not USE the other one! Good luck! Maybe he can push the divorce along if he has a good attorney. And paying off all that debt should have raise up his credit score way up. So I bet he can get a home loan depends on his income.

But I would NOT buy any kind of home while they are still married. It would be a mistake.

I worry about one thing. Does the pastor counseling you know that he is still married? Seems like the pastor would not counsel people since technically it is adultery. Or does that pastor see past all that?

I am asking you (you can ignore me) to please be honest with your pastor (radical honesty) or the counseling will not work.

The pastor said: No premarital sex. But does he know that your fince is still married?

hi again, sorry I didn't get back to you, haven't been online. My fiance' thought the divorce would be over quickly, before we started counseling, as she had called him last summer and yelled at him for not getting the divorce over with.....but he had no money at the time as the water pump on his truck had just gone out. So, he figured when he filed, she'd sign and it would be done asap.....I've asked him to talk to the pastor and be upfront about it as we want this to be done right. We still haven't set a wedding date.

Well, I'm not helping my H get his divorce.

I had enough of the life I was living, and moved out a little over a year and a half ago, and took the kids. He could have followed me, but he decided not to. He started seeing someone, and so I started seeing someone.

The truth is, I had an epiffany a few months after I left. Why should I make it easy for him to be free? Right now, I get the bills paid, I am on his insurance plan, and things are ok. I am not in a hurry to marry the fellow I am seeing. He is mostly gone, and just stays here when he is in town.

I stuck it out for a lot of years in that marriage, and I'm entitled to be taken care of.

Well, I'm not helping my H get his divorce.
I had enough of the life I was living, and moved out a little over a year and a half ago, and took the kids. He could have followed me, but he decided not to. He started seeing someone, and so I started seeing someone.
And this teaches the children it’s okay to date while married.

I am not in a hurry to marry the fellow I am seeing.
So the kids see you with someone and he is not gonna be permanent in their lives either, just like their dad.

He is mostly gone, and just stays here when he is in town.
So he stays over when the kids are around> What is this teaching them?

I stuck it out for a lot of years in that marriage, and I'm entitled to be taken care of.
And your kids are MORE THAN ENTITLED to better parenting that either of you are showing now.

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 12:04 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>