It seems to me like he is waiting for her to come back. I haven't filed for divorce and I'm not going to. My husband wants the divorce, not me. He can come up with the money anyway he wants to. If your fiance truely wanted the divorce, he would have found a way to get it.

As someone who is on the other side of the fence, I really have trouble believing what your fiance is saying about his past. I'm sure my husband is saying that I'm fighting the divorce and all the crap he can think of. I'm not doing anything. Just waiting.

Lunadove

Christopher,

If one (ws) removes themself from the marriage why is an affair wrong?

Giving a piece of paper in ye' olden days was the way to get a divorce. Why would we have to do less than that today?
If they want Judge Wapner to do the divorce, let them. But if you are married, even if only by a "piece of paper", then you are still married. It's like being a little bit pregnant. Either you are or you aren't.

I understood your defintions fully.

WW was deposed with me today.

My lawyer asked about OM and asked if he was married. WW answered he was seperated. So my lawyer said, "so he's still married"

I don't recall if she was asked about divorce, but at least in the US, "giving the letter" or perhaps an e-mail doesn't constitute not being married.

I know if WW had a traffic accident today, and she was at fault, the victim would be looking at our marital assets.

FWIW,

Tony

Hi annavon,
I remember your story from a long time ago. Boy is your ex ever a piece of work! Good riddance. I'm divorced now too but not dating anyone yet.

Having travelled the divorce route recently here in texas, I can tell you my very best scenario would have been for my then stbx to have done nothing. I had papers drafted, filed and served. That started the 60 day clock. Once he was served, he was given a 20 day clock for making a response. If he had done nothing, I would have had an uncontested divorce. Doing nothing is literally what caused a lot of pain in my marriage. I believe he has passive aggressive personality disorder. It was ironic in my view that I was actually praying for him to do nothing for the first time. But no, he had to stonewall me yet again and he made a response.

I don't know how it is in iowa. If it is the same as texas, it would have been your bf's best case scenario if his stbx had done nothing.

Please be wary of any manuevers that make you part of a triangle. You are divorced from an abusive man. That in itself puts you in danger of finding another abusive man to get involved with. I see red flags here. It's a classic manuever to get the new woman pitted against the previous woman. I certainly don't want to rain on your parade or appear to be judgmental. I'm not up to speed on everyone's stories these days.

I think it depends on where you live. My friend told me that if you have a separation agreement, and it says that you intend to be divorced after one year, then after one year your spouse can get the divorce automatically, even if they don't get you to sign papers.

You all missed the point altogether. And I am too tired to go through it all again. But I will just say this, dating, moving on, accepting, it all...ugh. Nevermind. I'm too tired. Just read over what I wrote a few more times. It will come to you.

I understand what you are trying to say.
I don't agree with what you say.
Trying to breathe underwater (without SCUBA gear or being Aquaman) won't work.
Married is married until everything (including the paper) is complete.

Like I said, you are totally on the wrong page......in fact, you are in the wrong book altogether.

Instead of trying to understand, you keep saying you that you already understand when clearly you do not. It is one thing to be ignorant, but it is a totally different thing when you fail to learn because you feel you already know. Then, there is no hope. Such is the case here.

Like I said, it will take too long to break down what I am saying for you to understand. Too long and I don't have the time. And honestly, I feel that even still you just won't get, not because you can't but because you choose not to. You are locked behind your door and now one but yourself has the key to free you. But let me just say this, whether you are pronounced divorced today or in the next two years, if your spouse has abadonded you, you will not, you cannot move on ("date") until you are prepared to do so. The judge is not going to prepare you. Paper is not going to prepare you. YOU will make that decision. Look at my suggested definition for dating. (Oh, my. I'm getting too much into this already...I'm stopping now).

Go back and reread what is there, Christopher. You did not do that. Just go back, take your time, let it marinate, and then take it home and think about it. Sometimes we have to do that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

and oh...I'm sure you don't agree with what I'm saying. How can anyone agree with something they don't understand?

Just a few more words of explanation....

Baba, I don't know why you think his needing a water pump is an excuse. Around here, the average factory worker makes around $11/hr. So after taxes, $250/mo child support, rent, food, electricity and gas; there's not alot left. Especially if you are paying off old debts. That means driving an older vehicle, that often has mechanical problems......and fixing water pumps isn't cheap. I"m really not here to defend my bf; but I'm a little offended by the automatic assumption that because he's not perfect, he's a loser. Don't we all make mistakes? He is kind, generous, reliable, patiant, understanding, and overall a good man.......and willing to put up with the fact that i'm not perfect and have a past too.


As to dating.......we go fishing with the kids, take them to races, grocery shop together, eat dinner together......not exactly a "hot affair", more like two people who enjoy each other's company spending time together. He's a good influence on the kids, likes to do things with them.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Sorry, I am probably being too harsh again. As long as YOU are sure about him who cares what we thing. Posts do not tell about the whole person. And nobody is perfect. He is probably 110% better than the last husband!

Christopher,
You don't need to explain (or try to explain) what you wrote.
It's not "okay" date while still married (legally or mentally or in any way). Doesn't matter how you slice it or dice it.

Anna,
Now I'm confused about the water pump. The divorce was paid for & filed. Why is a "water pump" holding the divorce up?

Again Chris, it depends on your definition of "dating". What someone may be doing you may not consider as dating and "you" may say it is okay, according to you, you may pardon it. Nevermind. Stay in your house behind your door. It's safer there.

and who are you to declare when anything is "okay" or "not okay"? Are you basing this on
Scripture?? No, you most definitely are not. You are basing it on your own belief system...which is based on your own experiences...which is based on what happens behind your closed door.

You are really quite boorish as well as off tangent.

If a person says they are dating, then I would say they are dating.

Besides, Anna (who started this thread) is not dating this guy, they are engaged.

and who are you to declare when anything is "okay" or "not okay"? Are you basing this on Scripture??
No. I am basing this on you you being wrong.
I win, you lose.
The end.

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Oh you guys! About the water pump. If I understand it correctly that when the guy told Anna he was still married, he said he could not afford a divorce since he needed a new water pump for his car.

I thought a water pump was only about $100.00!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by baba2:
<strong> Oh you guys! About the water pump. If I understand it correctly that when the guy told Anna he was still married, he said he could not afford a divorce since he needed a new water pump for his car.

I thought a water pump was only about $100.00!!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A domestic car with a water pump driven by an accessory belt, (such as a V6 or V8 engine) is easily under $100 for a good quality pump and you putting it in yourself.

A domestic or foreign car with a water pump driven by the timing belt (like my Geo) and most 4 cylinder cars are like this. This can be a $400+ job because you have to change the timing belt, and you are looking at 4 hours of labor plus parts. If you can do it yourself, it might be $100-150. But the labor is easily $300 if a mechanic is doing it.

So my suggestion. If you are getting your timing belt changed every 60K-90K miles, see if they will do the water pump for just an additional 1 hour labor plus part since they have to do most of the labor already to change the timing belt.

You helpful automotive service tip from javaSansContour

Tony

Ahhh, Christopher. How old did you say you were again?

Why do you keep writing the name "Christopher"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Besides, it depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is.

<small>[ June 18, 2004, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Anna, I hardly ever post anymore and God knows I wasn't even going to lurk again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but damn if this didn't bring me out of the dark (well, TNT's post did it first, but anyway...)

Anna, I have been around MB for five years (I was new_beginning before this name, and after too - long story! LOL). Five long, hard years. I am the ANTITHESIS of what MB is about in many ways.

I not only met my H while my divorce was still going on, his was too (he's from Canada and you have to be sep for one year prior to even filing)... AND... the worst yet... WE MET HERE AT MB. I've never made that a secret. But if we're keeping score, I win (or lose). I have more points than anyone for stupid actions.

I am not here to tell you what you're doing is okay, or not okay. Lordy, Lordy, what a hypocrite *I* would be to tell you otherwise.

But here's the deal.

I think you must ADMIT to YOURSELF (at least, if not your fiance as well) that this is, in fact, adultery. Legally, he is still married and it doesn't matter *what* the reason is, it really doesn't. Just like with my relationship (now marriage). I had to face the reality because I felt guilty about it. C'mon, I knew it. Don't you?

I didn't 'bust up' my H's first marriage (they did that themselves) but I got myself into what *might have been* their healing process. Even if it never came to that, I got into the GRIEVING process. And I won't even get into MY MARRIAGE. Yipes, what a mess I made.

I know in your case it's been years, but there are reasons why his wife is dragging her feet, and I would be looking at that too, if I were you. Just to make extra special sure that it is indeed OVER. You do NOT want to get in the middle of THAT KIND of thing. Trust me.

I do not judge you, or your pending marriage. I can tell you that there are those here, posting even on THIS thread, that have told me my marriage isn't valid, that no marriage borne out of adultery can be. After my own secular and spiritual counseling, I have come to believe that this is UNTRUE. My marriage is as valid as anyone's. I don't need SOMEONE ELSE to tell me whether MY marriage is valid or not. That is THEIR opinion only. Not mine. You will have to come to that conclusion yourself. And it is between you, your stbh and God.

What I'm saying is to QUIT trying to convince ANYONE that your relationship is real, valid, blessed by God, or anything else. Those who think otherwise have their own reasons for what they think, and some of those reasons are deeply embedded into who they are. They will not waver, no matter what anyone says.

Anna, I wish you peace and love, and a marriage without abuses.