Hi,
I'm new to all this- never posted on any B, never entered such a site, never thought Iife would feel so lonely.
My story so far. together 20 years, 16 married 3 kids. He left me telling me I didn't love him any more. I now know we didn't meet each others EN and he looked elsewhere. After the worst 9 months of my life he is now home and has told me for the 5th time that he will have nothing to do with OW. I find it hard to believe him. I am so angry, sad and lonely. When things are good between us, I remeber all the terrible things he said and did. He thinks I am a negative person who can't enjoy what she now has. I try to control the negative thoughts but my mind is crying "how could you have turned away from me and our future together?!" If he realised we had issues,why did he choose a path that only made things worse. He wants us to behave 'normally' i.e. pretend nothing happened but I feel so scared, I am so damaged by this I feel I will destroy our chance at a future together. I would love us both to start meeting each others EN but I feel paralized with the pain he has caused me.

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 06:14 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Thanks for your positivity.
When I feel strong I know what you say is true and that I should celebrate how far we have come since his affair. But I am mourning my lose of innocence and the lose of the security I once felt. I never believed this would happen to me and am still in denial.

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 06:15 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by arty:
<strong> Thanks for your positivity.
When I feel strong I know what you say is true and that I should celebrate how far we have come since his affair. But I am mourning my lose of innocence and the lose of the security I once felt. I never believed this would happen to me and am still in denial. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Arty~ Very sorry this has happened to you and caused you to join "our ranks". But there's great support here.

Listen, you're feeling the loss & grieving just like so many of us have. It's normal & God-given to cope with the mess.

Time now to go to God & seek healing and restoration. He ALONE can bring real true joy into a human heart. All else is artificial & will crumble.

High Flight

It isn't belief in G-d that I am searching for. I would like to believe in M, love, connection, soulmate, someone caring for me and the strength I once had from that.
I don't want to feel lonely or vulnerable any more. I want the security I once felt from sharing our lives. Is there any chance of rebuilding to that extent? Will I ever feel that all the hurt was worth suffering through? Will I ever look at him and just know he is mine and we are one? Will
I ever trust him again?
These are the emotions I so miss and I just can't imagine ever having again? He is home but he doesn't understand my lonliness, pain or anger. He says that if I really loved him I would let go of my pain and let as live a more 'normal' life. I think if he loved me he would be more remorseful and thrilled for a second chance to rebuild with me and his kids.
Give me your thoughts!
S

<small>[ July 18, 2004, 08:04 AM: Message edited by: arty ]</small>