Well, H and I talked last night. He did try to stall by suggesting we go out to the bar. I told him that I would rather stay home and have our talk.<P>He said that he thought we covered everything on the phone. I told him that I appreciated his finally telling me the truth about cheating, but that I needed to know more. He was very defensive all the night, saying he didn't know who the woman was--it was a long time ago and he didn't remember anything about it. I told him that I found it hard to believe that if he cheated only one time, he wouldn't be able to remember anything about it or know who the woman was. He finally said that it was some woman he picked up in a bar somewhere and that he was too drunk at the time to remember any details. I asked him about other things that had happened over the years. He claims that he doesn't remember ANY of them. I asked him why he cheated. He said that it was probably because he wasn't getting any at home. I asked him to recall what was going on in our lives at that time. I had a new daycare business which I had to open up at 5 a.m. for a time due to some of the parents having to put in an hour's OT in the mornings at one of the factories. By the time I finished cleaning up after the last kid left in the evenings, it was usually 6-6:30. In addition, I was taking night classes (his idea, because he thought I should become a nurse) a couple of evenings a week with an 80-mile round-trip commute. We also had our kids--age 14 and 12, who were involved in all kinds of activities.<P> I also acknowledged to him that there WERE times when I didn't want to have sex with him. I explained how I was feeling at those times. He tried to twist it around to claim that I was saying he was "no good" at sex. I stopped him short on that and told him that he can and has been a very good lover to me, but that at those times, I felt as though I was just a receptacle for him--that I felt as though any warm body would have done.<BR> He is resentful that he is now "barred" from the OW's restaurant because he said that he will not be able to have a cup of coffee or breakfast with his friends there. He swears that nothing ever happened with OW.<BR>He said that he doesn't remember rubbing up against her butt at the Halloween party--that he was just too drunk. Actually, he wasn't as drunk as he PRETENDED to be.<BR> I don't completely believe him; after all, he's been lying to me for at least 13 years. But, his mantras last night were: "Youre not gonna believe anything I say, anyway," and "I guess I'm just being put on trial here, but I'm not going to be put on trial every day of my life."<BR> I reminded him that he has been claiming that I didn't believe him for a long while---and all that time, he was lying to me. I told him that I want to believe him, but that it's just hard for me to believe him.<BR> He kept saying that I was blowing it all out of proportion. I lost it, then, and I told him, "You ripped my heart and soul out of my chest, and I'm blowing it all out of proportion??? Do my feelings matter so little to you?? Do you think that I should just think, 'OK, he cheated--no big deal!;???" <BR> He said that maybe we should just go ahead and get divorced--that he would move in with our son until he can get a place and let me have everything. I told him that I don't want everything, and that to keep from dragging our kids into it any more, I'd just move into the guestroom.<BR> In the middle of all this mess, his cousin rang the doorbell. I figured, "Well, great. He'll plop his [censored] down and stay all night." I was so upset that I could not sit in the den with them. I admit that I was rude and just went back to my bedroom and bawled. Anyway, I don't know if he figured out that this was a bad moment for visiting, but he left a little while later.<BR> I had a bunch of stuff on the guestroom bed, so I went in there and started clearing it off. H came down the hall, and stood out there watching me. I ignored him and kept straightening up the room. I took some books into the den to put in the bookcase, and he came in and put his arms around me. I just cried and cried. He told me that he had never stopped loving me, and he apologized for what he did. I had earlier asked him if he regretted cheating and why it hadn't happened again. He said that yes, he regretted cheating, and that was why he hadn't ever done it again. He still wants to say that he didn't give me the STD. I couldn't believe he said that. I told him, "You had sex with a cheap whore while you were drunk out of your mind, which means that you probably didn't use protection, and you still don't think you gave me trich???? PUH-LEEESE!! I'll bet there were a LOT of men in that town who took the gift from that nasty slut to their wives." He then admitted that he just didn't want to believe that he had given me anything. He said he didn't even remember the doctor prescribing the medicine for both of us and tellin him not to drink until after he finished the round of medicine. I think he's got ALZHEIMER'S, considering all the stuff he's "forgotten!"<BR> Anyway, he is going to counseling under protest. He said he would try it, but that he doesn't believe in that s***. He had out-and-out refused to go, but I told him that we had been working out our marital problems HIS way for the last 29 years, and look what a mess we're in now--that it's time we did things MY way for a change, or we can call it quits right now.<BR> I'm sorry for being so rambling... We just really had a big go-round last night. I guess I love-busted all over the place. At one point, he said, "You told me on the phone that you forgave me and weren't mad anymore, but you're putting me on trial." I told him that I had forgiven him for cheating, that I could understand how he could be tempted to cheat, but that what I was having problems forgiving was over 13 years of lies. He then said, "I haven't been lying to you for 13 years." I told him that whenever I had asked him if he cheated, he had claimed that he never f***ed anybody but me since we married, so if that wasn't lying, what was? When he told me I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion was probably when I really lost it. I do remember just having a hissy fit and hollering like hell.<BR> Well, I ended up getting into our bed with with after he woke me up where I fell asleep on the loveseat. This morning he made love to me, and this morning, I cried for the first time while making love. I couldn't help it. Even though his explanation was the same thing I've been telling myself for years, this morning was the first time I thought of him being with a horrible, nasty, trashy, slutty, whore. I feel like I want to scrub his you-know with alcohol.<BR> But, anyway, I'll see how counseling goes.

Sweetpea<BR>You have had a lot to deal with. You got a lot out of your system. It is human to love bust sometimes. <BR>You got that out. Now see if you can shelve it. Mentally imagine putting it on that shelf. It isn't gone but it is dealt with for now. <BR>One step at a time.<BR>It is a good thing that he will go to counceling with you. Even under protest. At least he is willing to face the problems.<BR>Look for the good things in all of this too. You are doing great!!!

Wednesday night, I felt such relief after he finally admitted to cheating.<P>I've KNOWN for years that he cheated. So, why am I feeling so distraught today over something I've known about for so long? Could it be that I was hanging onto a glimmer of hope that it wasn't true? Or is it because I'm not convinced that it was the only time? I think I would feel better if H would show more remorse rather than being so defensive. Maybe counseling will help him learn how to release his feelings in some way other than being so defensive and belligerant.<BR> I just can't stop crying, but I know I have to before he gets home with our grandson.<BR>

Now that it is out in the open you start the real grieving process. That is okay. Let yourelf grieve. Let yourelf cry. Go through the process.<BR>Remorse is hard for them at first.<BR>Baby steps and time. I know you keep hearing that. I hated it too. Just remember that now you know the truth every day is a day closer to healing.<BR>Prayers for you!

Well, H came home fairly early with grandson. I was still feeling awful---thinking about how "convenient" it was to claim that he was too drunk to remember anything. So, I decided that I would see what it was like to get really drunk on my<BR>@$$.<P>I was a little tight when I decided that, what the heck, if it feels good, do it. So, I went to town and bought myself a pack of cigarettes. Came back home, mixed myself another drink, sat out in the yard, and started trying to get rip-roaring drunk for the first time in my life.<P>Grandson went into house and told H that his grandma was acting funny. H came outside to see what was going on. I told him that I was trying the old "if it feels good, do it" theory, and tehn went into the house to use the bathroom. Somehow, my pack of cigarettes got tossed into the sink full of water, and H threw them into the garbage.<P>Well, before H could stop me, I drove my butt into town and got another pack of cigarettes. I must be a damn good drunk driver (wasn't really drunk yet), because a police car was behind me after I hit the city limits, and never tried to pull me over.<P>I got back home. I guess H and grandson had taken off after me, because his truck was gone and the doors were all wide open. Anyway, he pulled into the driveway right after I had made myself comfy in the lawn chair by my flower beds. He disabled my truck so I couldn't go anywhere.<P>Anyway, I proceeded to get drunk enough to where I didn't give a d*** if I love-busted or not. H finally came up with the name of the woman. She has been dead for about 8 or 9 years, and was the sister of someone we know. I never knew her, but she was a slut who hung out at a beer joint down the road.<P>I told H quite a lot tonight about how I feel. I told him that I appreciated his telling me who the woman was. I told him that last night, when I didn't know who she was, I had felt like he was trying to protect the OW from me. I told him that protecting the OW from me should have been the least of his worries. He wanted to know if he was going to have to listen to this stuff every night. I reminded him that he has known all about this for 13 years, and that while I've known he cheated, the fact that I knew none of the details made it seem like it happened yesterday. He said that we just need to go on and be happy. I said that I have to work through this stuff in order to be happy. I asked him if he thought I was supposed to think, "OK, he's told me; I can forget about it now." He said, "Well, I guess it would really be hard for you to do that."<BR> I also told him how I had probably been just as unhappy in our marriage as he had, but that instead of looking elsewhere, I had tried to fix my end of things. I told him all about my frustration over the past couple of years--how nothing I did to make him happy seemed to have any effect on him--how I felt ugly and unattractive to him. I told him how hurt I was that he didn't get me even a card for our anniversary, and only bought the flower arrangement after our friends sent the flowers. He said, "Well, I took you out, didn't I?" I said, "Yes, but we ALWAYS go out. I don't expect anything expensive, but just something that shows me that you love me---and not something that you bought me out of guilt."<P> He said, "Well, you know that's how I am---I'm not into buying presents." I told him, "Well, that's not how I am. I would love nothing better than for you to be romantic and get me a little something sometimes. Am I supposed to change how I am just because you're not willing to change how you are? Am I supposed to just live my life never having my needs met---just because that's how you are? Can you not see that your unwillingness to do even the tiniest thing just reinforces my feeling of being unloved and unwanted?"<BR> I was drunk enough that I let him "have it" on some more stuff, too. I reminded him of something he told somebody--that I wouldn't ask for help when I need ite. I told him that the reason I was so reluctant to ask for help was because I had been rejected so often.<BR> I reminded him that when we were entering BBQ competitions, I would ask him early in the morning to put up the drapery on our tent so that we could decorate it before it got too hot. He would never do it because he was too busy socializing with other teams. It was so bad that if we girls needed him to do anything, I had to suggest to one of the other guys' wife that maybe she should ask H to do stuff like that. Of course, he would hop to it when she asked. That was so humiliating to me!! Also, one time, as soon as I arrived at the competition site, he took me aside and told me to keep my act straight--like I was some misbehaving kid. I'll admit that I had gotten angry with him at the previous competition because we had to rush around in July heat to get our competition area decorated in less than 30 minutes before the first judge arrived. But, when he told me to keep my act straight, I really got p***ed off. I went into our camper and got my stuff, 'cuz I was fixin' to head back to the house! The other guy's wife went out and told my H that he needed to stay off my @$$, because I was p***ed and had every right to be (she had heard what he told me). Besides which, she added, if I went home, we would NOT win the showmanship competition!!<BR> Anyway, I'm still just a teensy-bit tipsy, but mostly sober. H is still somewhat defensive, but he apologized again. I think he is really trying to understand that I have to deal with all the truth before we can move forward. I told him that we had already wasted 13 years, so we were just gonna have to take a whiole longer. He asked, "What do you mean, we've wasted 13 years?" I said, "Well, every time I've asked you for the truth over the past 13 years, you've lied to me. If you had told me the truth, we could have worked through this mess a long time ago.<BR> I just hope that he's told me the whole truth now.<BR>

you are funny sweetpea!Did you know that NOah was a drunk? That is always my excuse. I am glad you got some results and your ?? answered. We women need that/ My H feels like he is on trial too. too bad.<P>WasStubborn: thanks for good advice.How long does grieving last? I had an experience 3years ago with cheating H. and I struggled so long with that first one. My H got pissed off and did it again. (to teach me a lesson) Nice guy, huh? He did not like my depression and "little excitement" for him any longer. HOw could I be enthusiastic when I was so betrayed? And I JUST was'nt sure I even wanted to go on with him. But, I did and I even got pregnant to him to show I was trying to MOVE ON and forgive. then," BAM" round two happened only a few months into my pregnancy.