I'd like to hear your honest opinions!

Here's a brief background to my questions:

WAH (mine!)in EA left BW (me!)almost 2 years ago; BW did not want D; WAH filed right away but hasn't pursued it aggressively. WAH is still with OW and deep in midlife fog. BW is moving (albeit slowly) toward letting go and acceptance but still in tremendous pain. Actually, it's the same story I've heard from so many others on these boards. I feel like Exhibit A in the textbook of midlife affairs and divorce.

Here's what prompted me to seek your thoughts:

I attend a women's therapy group once a week. It's not centered around divorce - in fact, I'm the only one seperated or in the process though most have experienced various degrees of marital difficulties. Lately, I've had the feeling that the group's consensus is that if I go ahead and push WAH to finalize the D he filed for almost 2 years ago, I'll be better able to let go emotionally and move on with my life. Am I stuck, in other words, because I am reluctant to get it over with and push him for the D?

At last night's meeting, I tried to explain that I don't think finalizing the D legally will have much to do with the emotional divorce I need to let go and move ahead. I really feel I've made great strides in letting go and acceptance but, as you all know, it's been a nightmare, made all the worse by living in a small town with WAH and OW.

Well, last night I ended up feeling really angry, saying that no one can understand unless they've been through it. I'm hearing all the same thoughts I used to have about other BS going through a D BEFORE I was one myself! Unspoken things like "Why can't she let go and accept this?" "He's such a jerk, how can she still care?" "She just needs to get out there and date." "She's letting him call the D shots too much." "How can she stay married one more month while he's out messing around and making her look like a fool?" "She's pitiful, poor thing, she must hope he'll come back."

My gut feeling about my own sitch is that I am grieving at my own pace and will get "there" - that elusive place of peace, whatever that means! - at my own pace. Sure, I wish this wasn't happening but I know it is; I'm not denying anything. I've done lots of crying on the floor but I'm doing it less, feeling less complete despair, and honestly believe that I've worked hard to understand the issues within our marriage and within me as an individual.

I just think for me this is a process, a genuine grieving process, and while I can do lots of positive things for myself and actively work on letting go, the REAL divorce, the one in my heart, doesn't have much to do with the legal decree. The stamp on the papers doesn't seem that important.

I also have strong personal feelings about helping my WAH get his divorce - to my mind, he filed, he says he wants it, so he needs to own it and work to resolve the remaining issues. I will not stand in his way but I don't feel comfortable becoming an activist for a D I didn't want in the first place.

BUT I could be deluding myself so here's what I want to know:

Do you think getting a legal divorce helps a betrayed spouse move toward an emotional divorce? Is it easier to heal, move on, let go, etc., if the legal divorce occurs fairly quickly? Is a slower divorce process in which the BS is closer to an emotional divorce before the actual decree any easier?

I told the therapist that I think I would have had a rougher time if the D had occurred early on, within the first year when I was still in shock and such a basket case. I think now I am much stronger, more rational, better able to handle the emotional impact of it all and that strength will continue to build. She said perhaps it would have hurt more early on but I'd have been over it sooner. I don't agree but what do you all think?

For those who are divorced already or close to it - when was your D final in relation to when YOU were finally emotionally divorced? Did it help heal your heart to have those papers in hand?

ALL thoughts and opinions welcome!

Gosh, just realized I wrote a novel when I meant to be brief! Sorry, hope you'll read anyway!

Jazmom

Hi Jazmon


My emotional divorce came rather quick after X left the marital home. We had already been in MC for 2 years and it was clear that X didnt have any kind of emotional skills to sustain any relationship (multiple lifetime addictions). His addictions have only gotten worse thru our long marriage. With the added affair, it was just too much for me. It was either the end of our marriage, or the end of my life, and my kids needed me.

I went to a lawyer immediately, just to see how to protect myself. X was driving drunk all the time. I didnt want to lose the house over his problems. I had myself and 4 children to protect. I was still not committed to the divorce.

Only about a month or so later he called me on the way to an office party. I did not want to go to this dinner to begin with and when he called and blasted me out of nowhere. Said nasty things, and told me how all this was my fault!!!! I ran the mental checklist of all the abuses, physical, emotional, sexual (yes, even rape) and I just said, that is it. That was the emotional divorce right there. Next day I was at a different lawyer and had the papers filled out shortly after. I went home and asked each kid seperately, in private.

"I know it has been only a short time, but......... what do you think/"

NOT ONE even hesitated one second and said "Mom, divorce him"

papers were delivered in Dec, and no they did not help in any way the healing.

I am the one who had to deal with the fallout of all his addictions, DUI's, STD's, indiscretions.

To this day, I am still the sole one dealing with the fallout of his childish acts and various addictions. The children (young adults)have needs that only I am dealing with. They recently found out that he has taken his new family on a cruise. All their lives, they asked to go to Disney World and we never had the money, and now they see this.

Only mom
was there for the prom photos,
the late night pick up of school project supplies
the search for new car, and car loan apps for D
The award my oldest got for running
his latest marathon
my daughters tears
my son's really awful spider bite
my D first best friend dying, etc
only mom

No, the official papers didnt help with the pain, but they did help me to get on with my life with the knowledge that I did my best and that is all I have to answer for

Jaz
Our timelines are similar. My H left me almost exactly 2 years ago, and is still involved with the OW. While I don’t have a “perfect” answer for you, I hope that in sharing my story it will give you another perspective for thought.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Jaz said: I also have strong personal feelings about helping my WAH get his divorce - to my mind, he filed, he says he wants it, so he needs to own it and work to resolve the remaining issues. I will not stand in his way but I don't feel comfortable becoming an activist for a D I didn't want in the first place. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I said the EXACT same words to my H. It has only been recently (in past few weeks) that I have gotten “out of rest” about this process. In February, my H told me he wanted to move ahead with HIS plan, which was to divorce by summer. He wanted to meet monthly to work out the particulars of property division. However, like yours, he has dragged his feet and has not called since then. I don’t know why he’s waiting - I guess like so many WS here, he’s a “cake eater”, LOL Meanwhile, I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, my head is on the chopping block, whatever analogy you want to use.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Jaz said: I just think for me this is a process, a genuine grieving process </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think being in LIMBO is the worst place to be in the process. And that may delay the grieving. Not knowing when or if the divorce will come, still hoping so much for him to “see the light” and not wanting to take the initiative for divorce, makes it more difficult.

In the last few weeks I have decided to at least approach H to see where he is in this process. I feel more liberty to bring it up (before, I wouldn’t even mention the subject). But my pastor pointed out that I am the one who is really suffering right now because I have been so deferential about this to hubby. He’s obviously carrying on his life without much concern for me. And now that I’ve made the decision to contact him to see what his plans are, I’m grieving again (just like when he left). Maybe because the end is more in sight now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

One last thought added - Part of the grieving might be tied into having fear of the unknown future - you know, being totally responsible for your own life (at this age) and all that entails.

<small>[ June 05, 2004, 04:57 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

I guess if you are grieving at your own pace who am I to disagree?

I do know that in my case I did insist that my wife file the papers for divorce, but I am now cooperating in getting it done ASAP. Why?

Well, my wife is currently having a great time in her own appartment with her lover visiting every few weeks. I am at home with our youngest daughter. I don't date as I feel it would not be right for me and a bad example for my daughter. One parent should show that marriage vows mean something.

So, I push the divorce along so I can honestly tell my children and potential dates that I am single. I hate being in this limbo. Limbo seems to bother me more than many others. I have several female friends who think I am silly to wait to date until the divorce. (Maybe they have friends they want to hook me up with? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

No doubt I am emotionally divorced from my wife. I don't care if she sleeps with the OM every night from now on. The assistant pastor at a local church that hosts a divorce recovery group told me that the marital covenant has been broken and only the legal contract remains. There is not point in letting the contract exist one more day than it has to.

I think each case is a bit different.

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 04:58 PM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>

For me - I was terrifed every day that I would be surprised with divorce papers. Woudl worry that "today might be the day" I didn't want to bring the subject up - couldn't even say the word.
One day I finally asked what his plans were. Turns out he wasn't going to file any time soon. Figured he would just continue to help pay certain bills until sons graduated, and then we could file.(5 years later!) He said we didn't have enough money for the filing fee. Somehow that didn't seem right to me. That he would pay certain bills, but only the ones he wanted to, and I would just have to rely on him to come through on his "word" each month. I wanted to have it in writing, and wanted him to be responible for child support - a set amount, every month, that I could use for the children without having to ask for it.
So I visited a lawyer to find out what my options were.
That was the best thing I did. Even then, I did not file right away. But that first appointment relieved a lot of my anxiety. I was able to ask all the scary questions, and find out what to expect.
If you haven't seen a lawyer yet, please do. Just make an appointment. Come with a list of questions. It feels very scary when you walk in, but it feels a lot better when you walk out.
Just because you go to the lawyer, doesn't mean you have to file. It just means you want to take care of yourself.
The limbo time is very scary - he can do a lot of things right now that you could be held responsible for later!
Take care friend.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by avondale25:
<strong>I think being in LIMBO is the worst place to be in the process. And that may delay the grieving. Not knowing when or if the divorce will come, still hoping so much for him to “see the light” and not wanting to take the initiative for divorce, makes it more difficult.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From my experience, I'd have to agree with this.

Although my wife filed for divorce, her lawyer and an astonishingly incompetent court system dragged out what should have been a very simple case for over two years. I cooperated as best I could, except that I contested the divorce due to my refusal to acknowledge the grounds (which were base lies). (This had no practical significance relative to an uncontested divorce, since my wife refused any sort of communication and since her lawyer refused any sort of negotiation.)

The process was agonizing. As every new hearing came up, and as every new lie came out, my wounds were re-opened. I could not heal, and I could not move forward.

So when my wife was finally granted her divorce, I felt an enormous sense of relief. I had expected to lose my home, my credit rating, and perhaps my job. I had expected the case to drag on for years more. But instead it was over, and I had survived with nothing worse than a mountain of legal debt and a relatively minor hit to my credit rating.

But other than that sense of relief, I had no emotional closure. I had never wanted the divorce, and even after it was over there was still nothing I wanted more than reconciliation. In fact, I had long believed that if there was ever to be any hope of that, it would only come after my wife had gotten her divorce and discovered that it didn't solve her problems.

The legal divorce allowed me to start moving forward with my own life. It allowed me to start making my own plans. But - though I am reluctant to admit this because it may seem to recommend an approach to healing which I believe is more often damaging - it wasn't until I "fell in love" with someone new that I was finally able to start seeing my ex-wife as an ex-wife.

Fortunately, the woman I fell in love with did not reciprocate my interest. Thus, instead of plunging into a new relationship before I had truly achieved emotional closure, I was able to back off and begin the real "letting go" process which the legal divorce process had never afforded me.

It took almost another year, but I think I can say now that the emotional divorce has happened too. I still love my ex-wife, but I can't say I want her back...

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 09:39 PM: Message edited by: jazmom ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sunrise1:
<strong> To this day, I am still the sole one dealing with the fallout of his childish acts and various addictions. The children (young adults)have needs that only I am dealing with. They recently found out that he has taken his new family on a cruise. All their lives, they asked to go to Disney World and we never had the money, and now they see this.

Only mom
was there for the prom photos,
the late night pick up of school project supplies
the search for new car, and car loan apps for D
The award my oldest got for running
his latest marathon
my daughters tears
my son's really awful spider bite
my D first best friend dying, etc
only mom
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tears came to my eyes as I read this and realized that this is what I'm so afraid of and what I've so hoped I could prevent - but if I'm honest it is already the reality. There have been a few lapses but WAH does see our D11 regularly. He says he loves her - but I'm the one who knows about her midnight crying, hears her questions but can't answer them, copes with her bouts of rage after seeing him, knows that she is growing up much too soon, tells her over and over that this isn't her fault, watches her do the preteen roll-of-the-eyes when I assure her daddy loves her. . .and he's the dad who doesn't have the time of day to acknowledge that she is anything but A-OK.

I just don't know how to explain to her why we don't have much money anymore or why the dad she worships could turn his back on her needs with such apparent ease. It hurts to see how hurt she is and, worse, how hard she often works to deny it. Reminds me of how her dad works to convince himself that his decision has no impact upon her.

You've got me thinking that maybe I need to stop waiting for my own elusive emotional closure and find the courage to move ahead and accept that he's not the man I knew and loved and looks like he's not gonna be the father our D knew and loved for so long. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by womanoffaith5:
<strong>If you haven't seen a lawyer yet, please do.

The limbo time is very scary - he can do a lot of things right now that you could be held responsible for later! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I do have a lawyer - resisted it for awhile and WAH threatened me with less money if I did get one or brought the OW into it - but I finally hired one because I had to file an answer to his divorce petition. The lawyer probably thinks I'm crazy because I would not agree to countersue WAH, just answered with a denial of irreconciable differences and asked WAH to prove his claim of marital misconduct - a claim that is always added in this state in case the parties can't come to an agreement. So the only way he can get a divorce at the moment is to prove something against me (and there's nothing that would qualify) or agree to a settlement I approve or go to court. I think he has enough sense to know he doesn't want to go to court!

Other than having it official, I don't think my finances will improve much with a final decree so I haven't felt financial pressure to move forward. But I do think I've been wimpy in regards to what I've asked for so far out of fear of driving WAH further away. I could have made things very difficult for him but I didn't want to act out of anger - or cut off my nose to spite my face, so to speak.

Thing is I want to do what is best for me and D11 and not worry about WAH's reaction anymore. He'll call me a b&*%^ no matter what so probably time for me to hang up that excuse for waiting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by avondale25:
[QB I think being in LIMBO is the worst place to be in the process. And that may delay the grieving. Not knowing when or if the divorce will come, still hoping so much for him to “see the light” and not wanting to take the initiative for divorce, makes it more difficult. [QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can sure relate!

It's that hope that he'll "see the light" that is keeping me in limbo, I think. So hard to give it up. I wish I could just stop hoping once and for all. Amazing how tenaciously I cling to anything at all that supports it.

Like you, I feel the pain all over again when I even think about moving the D forward. Your pastor is right, though, we are the ones who seem to be suffering.

Too tired to type more tonight but you all have given me lots to think about! I needed it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jazmom:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by avondale25:
[QB I think being in LIMBO is the worst place to be in the process. And that may delay the grieving. Not knowing when or if the divorce will come, still hoping so much for him to “see the light” and not wanting to take the initiative for divorce, makes it more difficult. [QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can sure relate!

It's that hope that he'll "see the light" that is keeping me in limbo, I think. So hard to give it up. I wish I could just stop hoping once and for all. Amazing how tenaciously I cling to anything at all that supports it.

Like you, I feel the pain all over again when I even think about moving the D forward. Your pastor is right, though, we are the ones who seem to be suffering.

Too tired to type more tonight but you all have given me lots to think about! I needed it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We're all SO IN THIS TOGETHER! I'm reading your stories. They're my story too. It just HURTS and HURTS and HURTS!

But you know, we've all got to go forward. We can do this thing. We need both. Emotional & Legal divorces at some point. The difficult thing is the E-divorce. But the L-divorce CAN help. But not necessarily so. Depends on each person I think.

Well...I came home yesterday from a trip & found my final divorce decree sitting in my mail box. It's OFFICIALLY over. Legally. But my E-work is still ahead I know.

What do I feel?

Relief.
Pain still.
Great Sadness.
Anger.
A small sense of now being able to move on.
Fear of making it.
Fear of something going wrong financially. (yes even men who make good money feel this too)
Fear of growing old without someone who loves me.
Mad at myself for still even caring about her.
Glad with myself that I'm a compassionate man who loyally loves no matter what.
Conflicted.

In other words...you name it. I / We feel it I'm sure.

It's OK! We're SUPPOSED to be like this folks! We're DIVORCED. It's worse than death! They're no services. Friends don't come by to pay respects. It's a hidden pain. It feels worse than death. There's no life insurance to help! There's more financial ruin.

Now we know first hand why our God HATES divorce (Malachi)

God be near each one of you,
High Flight

One interesting thing I have gone though is defending my WS when others critisize her. Odd, isn't it?

I figure that since I am the one that was hurt, I can critisize her behaviors, but since she is also the mother of my children, others need to treat her civily. Is that a sign that the e-divorce is still not complete? I don't know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JustinExplorer:
<strong> I figure that since I am the one that was hurt, I can critisize her behaviors, but since she is also the mother of my children, others need to treat her civily. Is that a sign that the e-divorce is still not complete? I don't know. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it's a sign that you are a loyal, caring person.

My D took along time b/c xH did not provide full disclosure of finances and literally starved me into submission last year. I was holding out to get more legal ammo prior to finalization and possibly another court battle (we had 3 almost 4) and it was only when OW (now W)announced her pregnancy last year.

I can attest that signing the papers is definitely ceremonial, but it will most definitely provide closure to a broken vow and life. I felt relieved and still grieved. It's ironic b/c now looking back I feel almost the same as when I buried my father five years ago this month. I was grieving but relieved. This time I mourned for my loss, and my son's loss, but not for missing my x but for what COULD have been but WAS NOT.

Life does get better when you just bite the bullet. To me, it's euthanasia of sorts. My marriage and pain of suffering under the stigma of still legally being married to a man who was openly cohabiting with his affair partner ended after signing. It will be a month June 20. Our divorce was finalized in December of last year (the 26th) and he married OW within mere days of signing.

And one year later I still have to deal sometimes with a man who wants to be in essence, the quintessential wayward always wanting his way and working to manipulate my life in the few ways he can still do so. Just this week, he's trying to get me to allow my son to be in his care (a nanny and the OW/W) while I am at work thus giving him about 60 more hours a month of custody time all the while promising that it will "only save me money since he has decided NOT to pay for childcare in the summer as he did for last 2 years and not have any other purpose but be a help to me". Yea right. He's moving to a brand new lakehouse about 30 miles away and might be trying to prove he's got son more than I do if I agree to his request or maybe he's trying to show that because if he gets son more of a percentage time than I do if I agreed to that, that maybe he'll get out of paying no or lessened child support.

And after hearing the idiot ask that question I summoned the combined intelligences of a few MB friends here as well as a few relatives and some docs I work with. All unanimously agreed I should decline his "generous" offer as it is probably only something that my xh, aka Jethro, would use for a greater gain. And in pure Jethro style, He swore at me and vowed to take me to court for this (trying to tell me what to do with my son during my time with him...presently son is only in daycamp 2 days a week for maybe six to seven hours and loving it and I alternate weeks with a nanny in my home also.)

You may sever your ties and your relationship as a nuclear family, but imho, the waywards, the really bad ones will keep on doing bad stuff and popping up in your life to wreak havoc and mayhem like an outbreak of herpes...which maybe quite possibly some of these xWS' might have...lol..
At least my x is still up to no good.

People who are fundamentally good will behave as such. Those who have lost their moral compasses either continue down a path of destruction until they either have a life-changing event to deal with which might alter their moral pathway in life or they decide a life of mayhem and chaos is their preferred lifestyle.

I say to you to move on with your life and it begins now. Giving a WS more time only allows less time for you to move on. Think in these terms ok? Plus it gives them more time to devise more chaos and possibly turn the legal tides against you in terms of finances and other pertinent matters.

For example now I am painted as a bad mom by my xH for the simple fact I am forced to work because he didn't give us a decent settlement. His new W/former OW is a stay at home mom to their newborn and her illegit four year old child and despite the fact they lived in sin for almost 2 years, you'd think she was Mother Teresa b/c she has "such a kind heart and so much time and love to be able to give my son". So by virtue of the fact my x gave me a crappy divorce settlement, I am forced to work full time and now have a wacko xH telling me that I should give my son to them during the day in the summer because "she can stay at home with him" and "can save me money because he doesn't want to pay for childcare anymore." Interesting side note: he isn't paying for summer childcare b/c he is employing a full time nanny at his home for the OW/W new baby and her child. Talk about stupidity attempting to turn tides. Nowhere am I expected nor bound in my divorce decree to give up my son during my custody time with him. My x contends, despite my taking very careful attention and placing my son only in the best of hands, that my son "deserves to be at home resting properly during the summertime and that I am not taking the best interest of my son because I'm not giving in to his awesome idea".

All this crud happens and will continue to pop in and out of your life. But you learn to manage it and you learn to deal with these kind of people.

In the end after signing you get that bit of dig nity back. Don't linger as I did too long in legal limbo becasue they can learn to use it agai nst you legally perhaps. Plus each day lost to limbo is just that...a day you can't get back.

And don't think that by virtue of a decree and an "amicable divorce" that things will be amicable at all. Those who are out for their own interests will continue doing just that...honoring themselves only.

My advice to you is to begin anew. God makes all things new. Even broken things, broken people. Seize the day and declare yourself free from the pain of adultery, abuse, or neglect like so many here have been suffering from at the hand of their spouse who was supposed to according to vows, do anything but that. I remember going to the beach last year on fourth of july, days after signing. My girlfriends rented a condo and we watched the fireworks from the balcony overlooking the gulf. I remember crying as I celebrated my first real independence day. But now I see that it was the beginning of a new me, a better and more loving and stronger me. A much stronger and more dedicated mom than before and someone who would walk thru fire for her son. A woman who's principles won't be manipulated again and will stick to their guns.

There is nothing won by choosing limbo. Only if there is a real chance for saving a marriage and that takes two people. Even if one starts the healing, the other sooner or later gives signs that they are reciprocating. After a reasonable time length (to me that'd be six months to a year) trying, it's time to assess the situation and deal with what is at hand.

Life isn't a bowl of cherries now but it's a ton better. I almost lost everything financially and sometimes still get dangerously close to that edge as I deal with trying to resolve some other financial issues x didn't deal with (his hummer which he allowed to be repo'd from his residence last spring which was in his business' name as well as in my name...his still owing me over 25k for me to repay the old CC's he maxed out and fact despite after when I get the last lump sum payment that I will not have any nest egg to really speak of except what I've scraped and scrounged to tuck away in last 2 years working having been as his present "wistress" is now...a stay at home mom".

But what is different is this. When my x calls and is derogatory or cruel to me, I write it down and document it and hang up. I disengage. He's not my problem anymore. You're freed from that. It's not your burden to bear. What you will deal with is some child issues and finances. Other than that, you'll feel much better I guarantee you. In fact, I feel incredible about 85% of the time now.

I'm dating again and have hit with guy I've been seeing the wierd phase where either I or he become exclusive or we explore other options so I am kinda not pressing for anything but am not doing anything to wreck it either. You'll go thru phases where you want to date up a storm and then phases where you will want to curl up with your kids at night and order pizza and watch movies with them. For months I went thru phast where this was the thing for me. Just happy time with my son, he and I.

So what for the WS who leaves, divorces and immediately begins with the OP? Well, they never really get to taste legitimate freedom as we do. They get legally unshackled only to become fettered once more sometimes almost immediately to somebody else. Alot of the time it's an illusion and the reality of real life will take care of that. There are tons of unresolved emotional issues and probably no mourning for the passing of their old marriage as we did. It's really sad, but again not our problem really anymore.

You guys and gals will understand this part as it happened last week to me.

I received a phone call after X once again shrugged his responsibilites of picking up his son and had the new W do so as he was still on his extended vacation in the Mayan Riviera. He had gone on his "honeymoon" with her for a week (despite his claims of being poor having to downsize to a lakefront home he will be moving two and with two new jetskis and new navigator for her) and she calls to tell me she'll be picking up son in the morning.

I am non-reactive to her and am sticking to just facts and trying to do so quickly so we can get off phone. Suddenly this woman, this homewrecker asks me this..."WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME..I swear it's as if you hate me." I am awestruck. Like her? I inform her that no, I do not hate her, but that I have no regards for her whatsoever. I feel basically indifference to her. She says "well, it's not like I am the one here who's a liar and you damn well know that". At this point I believe she's going to start digging in on me and the insults are getting ready to fly my way...Instead she says this...

"We both know it's Jethro who's the liar here."

And I see it. The illusion sometime breaks. There's too much pressure on many affair marriages to last and they basically dig their own graves. So much for starcrossed newlyweds.

Forget about their lives for it will become basically an extension of what it was in the end with your own former marriage. Lies begat more lies ok?

If you want a new future, jump for the brass ring now. Most fears we have are ones we can face. We don't usually die alone, in poverty, or unloved. We have many choices, talents, and options but we have to CHOOSE to exercise them again. Mourn for a time, for a period but then see if it's hurting where YOU are now. See if it's keeping you frozen in a place you don't really like being in. Plus consider the benefits for the WS who prologs a divorce legally and financially.

My synopsis:
1)try to heal your marriage and stick to a calendar time frame. I remember circling a date on the calendar and filing on that day if no real remorse or progress or change from my X.
2)if no change then file and move ahead. DON'T DO AS I DID AND WAIT. I waited for a long time b/c there were alot of finances that were not disclosed legally by my x but I'd been much much better off if I had gone to court right off the bat and fought him at the outset.
3)Mourn for a time but then realize what is ahead of you, what you are resigning yourself to by staying in the limbo, and make the choice to move on, move ahead.
4)You will be saddened but freed at the end. You can't change somebody else, but you can change your life circumstances. Once you get that part thru your head, you'll find yourself enjoying life, laughing, and sometimes smiling for no apparent reason again.

God bless you and God bless your families during this rough period...but remember you will get to the other side. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />